mylife

so much grace

2010-06-01T12:31:00.001-07:00

when i looked back in my life, i can see so much grace. i know. it doesn't sound right. cuz im always known for being targeted by Murphy's Law.

but God has poured out so much in life. so much.

life is unfair

2010-02-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

when i was in pri sch, the first day of class in p5, my teacher told me this line, "life is unfair"

never thought much about it. thought that line sounded funny. but i guess reality is correctly dictated by that short phrase.

it doesnt pay to be nice. nice people are often the ones being trampled on and being taken for granted of. sometimes i wonder if God put me through uni to teach me to be wise. we should be nice but we must be wise as well. Over the years, i have learnt to shrink my trusted circle of friends. Not every friend is a friend. tats what the world have taught me. i didnt want to believe it at first. but indeed its true. life is unfair. those friends whom u thought they are friend might not be after all. look at my bff, i made a huge card for him - it took me mths? and recently i decided to finish it and i had to stay till 4am+ to do so. got lots of scolding from my parents who asked me if i thought it was important to do that now when i had tons of things to do for exchange. and guess wad. didnt even think he appreciate it that much. when i asked if he was going to send me off, he said: ur flight is so early! see how. i will set my alarm clock but not sure if i will be there. if ___ go then i confirm will go. IF only that someone go then u will go? makes me feel our friendship aint worth that much. i told myself, i will nv make anything that is time consuming for anyone again.

this is just one example. there are many other ppl whom im not suppose to care abt and be upset over. cuz they aint worth it. when i come back from korea, i will make sure my heart is so cold that these ppl wun matter to me anymore. no more. u ppl watch out, cuz i aint going to be as nice as i use to be. i aint going to be as friendly as i use to be. and i aint going to be tat someone whom u think u can cast aside.

Invictus

2010-01-17T05:39:00.000-08:00

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

in and out of rough patches

2009-12-29T10:23:00.001-08:00

just when i thot i was out of a rough patch, im back in again
my heart is aching so much that it literally jumps whenever u msg me back or msn. cuz im scared u might say sth that will make it even more painful
im so confused. i dunno wad i shld be feeling right now. i really dont.
why didnt i have the discipline like i had before.
im overreacting. i must be. im usually not like that. not even when i thot the worse had already happened to me. i cant sleep. and people are telling me to be cool abt it. how to be..
my heart is literally aching. all the stress that adds on to it. never knew going for exchange could be this troublesome. all the stuff that needs to be settled.
i need to get hold of myself
wish i didnt need to pretend everything is alright in front of other people. esp my church ppl. wish they were more sensitive. wish church was really a place i can have refuge in.

really hope 2010 will be better for me. God, i cant take this anymore. 2009 was crazy. i cant recall any single period whereby i felt joyful. my joy is always shortlived. i hope 2010 will be a lot better

healing

2009-12-14T08:15:00.001-08:00

my heart is healing. i can feel it. i was so so so broken and torn. thought it wld take forever to recover. thanks to my beloved besties who made me feel so loved! :) just came back from malaysia. janene just came back from australia. it has been one year since i last saw her? gosh. times flies and i really missed her! so glad we could spend some time together.. was really glad i could share how i feel and all. they know me so well :)) but dunno why, everytime i see allen, i think of hall and my heart starts to hurt. how i felt he knew abt so much things and yet not tell me. how i once thought that if the whole hall was against, he wld be someone who wld still stand by me and not be influenced by wad they say. but i guess people do change huh..

so glad i went malaysia. it really helps in the healing. being with my beloved christian friends. i miss those good old times. miss AC. wish the world was more like AC. but of course, it wont be. and i have to grow out of it. time to move on. haha. i have been reflecting for like the past few days. i think this is prob why i always cant sleep at night. whenever i close my eyes, i will start thinking about all these stuff. sigh. dear heart, hurry up and get healed.

church camp tmr! shall sleep soon. hope that through this church camp, i can finally get closer to God and also to my church ppl. have been praying a lot abt church.

In your freedom

2009-12-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

i miss you God and i miss leading worship, being in your presence. miss everything about You

this is your little girl signing out

ouch

2009-12-07T09:19:00.001-08:00

ouch. ouch. ouch. dunno wad's wrong with me nowadays or if its God's purposely doing all these. i keep getting hurt by people. i can literally feel my heart bleeding. i always thot people will reciprocate sincerity. so being the foolish me, i throw in lots of love and sincerity in friendships. only to realise that im a fool. only to realise that the power lies in those who care less. only to realise that it can really hurt. am i being too sensitive? but its cuz i care thats why expectations are higher. u were right. no expectations. no disappointment. no hurts.

i cant even recognize myself anymore. i use to be so happy. and now, im like forever immersed in sadness. i hate this life. i dun even know wad im living for anymore. for God? but it doesnt feel like it. my heart has hardened. and my soul is turning cold. i feel cold inside. somehow along the way, i feel i given hope on loving people. given hope on the chance of people loving me as well...

let go and let God

2009-12-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

wanna run back to God. now. but sth is in the way. sth cant let go. i find myself negotiating with God :(

to put my life right

2009-11-08T12:24:00.001-08:00

i need to get my christian life right. NOW. sigh. when will it ever be like how i was. my first love, the burning passion. the desire to know Him more each day

fallen too deep

2009-11-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

its time to give up. NOW. let go now. knowing that i will get hurt in the end, i still let my heart out. silly girl, when will u learn ur lesson. didnt ur friend warn u, happy endings are not meant to be. you dont always get what you want. this is life.

my heart is hurting and i cant ignore it. sucks. i hate this feeling. wish i was in korea right now. and im so afraid korea wont be able to heal this pain.

hmm

2009-10-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

knowing that it wont work out, so wad the hell am i doing.

rawr

2009-09-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

RAWR. sums it all.

people do change

2009-09-28T09:42:00.001-07:00

merrr. dunno why. felt melancholic today. finally realise people do change. which sucks
i miss AC. i hate politics, hierarchy and whatever shit. even i felt myself changing. not daring enough to remain as who i was. rawr. nvm. life is like that. move on. i must start hanging out with more of my ac friendss. i miss them. they are always that ever ready to accept me and hear me out.

i was talking to a good friend today during dinner. felt sad that even my good friend thinks he will nv like me cuz im simply not good enough for him. even though she didnt explicitly say it out, but i could sense and infer it. sigh. sadness to the max

i need you lord more than ever. praying for grace and mercy.

fire fall down

2009-09-27T06:45:00.001-07:00

went to andy's church today. felt the service was good. its been a long time since i have been to a service that touched my heart. all the while i kept asking God if my heart is hardened becuz everytime i attend worship in my church, it has just become a singing session. but worship is not like that. their pastor is super funky. and wad he preached spoke to me.

i felt this inner voice saying, "its been a long time, lizhen. you know ur calling is to lead worship and its been a long time since u last led. and u didnt lead not cuz u cant or have no time but rather, u are escaping. you dun want to go thru the same pain u went thru. the disappointments. but God is God. u have to be willing to let Him use you and see miracles happen. what happen to the promise u made to God 5 years ago. you said u will go to the ends of the earth for him. so why are u giving up now" omg. then i started crying. felt i have stray so far away. from the passion i once had. the fire that everyone could see in me then was no longer burning now. my eyes no longer sparkle when i talk abt worship.

i have been blaming myself for the pride i had that caused my downfall and astray. but today God told me to stop blaming myself. my most sincere prayer is to break this pride. im sick and tired of putting up this front and pretend to be all righteous and holy. just becuz i was a worship leader. just becuz everyone knew me as the girl who was in the christian fellowship comm and the one who led chapel in ac. no no no. leaders have their weakness too. sigh. but i dunno how to show it. i so badly want to tell someone that i need support, i need their concern but i just cant bring myself to do without having people to judge me. i dun want them to see me as an unworthy leader. then next time, when they have troubles, they wun come approach me. u get wad i mean.

and i have been praying for ur face to disappear out of my mind. seriously. i tell God, "this is really distracting and if Satan is using it to tempt me and if these thoughts are not of Yours, please take it away from me. If it's not Your will, i gladly accept it and Lord, please harden my heart so that i wont like him." now, everytime i see him, i felt my heart beating faster. this is crazy. i dun like this kind of feeling. when i feel there are some girls in his life that he is closer to, my heart is filled with jealousy and sadness.. no no no. God please help me. if he is not the One, take these feelings away. somehow. i dont want to waste my singleness chasing sth after that is not in Your will.. murrr

ok. back to mugging. my heart feels happier (except for him). the feeling of going back to the house of God just feels good. and i want that to last forever :))

lovess

2009-09-25T00:46:00.000-07:00

just had ian's 21st today! finally its over!! haha. it was so tiring.. i shldnt have sang la. too long nv sing alr. voice rusty alr. it was so scary. worse than me leading ACJC chapel and church worship. haha. i will nv plan another 21st again unless if my future bf is 21 when i know him. but felt it was all worthwhile. though it didnt turn out like wad i expected but hopefully it all went well. haha. HAPPY 21ST BDAY BFF :)) gosh. i wun let u plan my 21st. haha.

must start mugging alr!! this sem im super distracted. cuz my mods all very project heavy. sigh. i got this feeling my this sem CAP will cui. oh manns. i cant stop thinking abt him. everytime i close my eyes, his face appears in front of me. this is bad. i kept praying abt it, but somehow, i felt i let my heart out too much alr. I shld have guard my heart from the start. murrr. aiya. anyway i have surrendered it to God alr. so i guess let God take charge and let nature takes it's course. if God wills it to be, then it will be :))

:)

2009-09-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner, love with true love, laugh without control and ALWAYS KEEP SMILING :)) someone just reminded me that im the girl who smiles when things get tough. WHAT DOESNT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER! I CAN TIDE THRU THIS ESP WITH GO'D STRENGTH:) AMEN.

rawrs

2009-09-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

haha.this place has become like a venting place for me.haha.the irony is that my blog is suppose to shout his praise :( but sch has been so sian.i have been trying to hard to keep that joy in my heart. trying hard to be happy when everyone is just so sian abt sch.

but i cant take it anymore.i cant take having to put on this facade of happiness. I'm so sick of certain things, so disappointed abt certain things. I feel like screaming, feel like being mean for once, feel like crying. but i told myself,no girl.you shall be strong.you shall rely on God's strength and joy.you must trust Him cuz He is sovereign. rawr.sometimes i feel that friends are just making use of me.many a times, i feel so alone.i see my facebook.i have like 1080 friends.but how many them are there for me.how many of them are my real friends.less than 1% la.it doesnt pay to be nice.

ahhhhh.i shld stop dwelling on my regret.i keep thinking abt it.i dunno why.it sudd resurfaces AGAIN.i thot i buried it.DEEP.i told myself a finity times not to think abt it.but i cant help it. cuz i feel tat if i had made the right choice, i wun end up at the state im at now.but i know God must have his hand upon it then. There is a reason for everything.

MERRRRRRR :( i want to go blast my music and do my work.shallnotfreakingcareanymore.

sigh

2009-09-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

sigh.today is the first time i woke up for church.YET there wasnt any youth service. and my cell group didnt even tell me they were going west coast till i asked. oh wells, i guess i dun blame them. I'm like not really part of the cell group - its no wonder they forgot abt me.even the cell grp leader forgot abt me!hahaa.wonderful.
i told myself i will make an effort to bond with them.but its so hard.its so funny, i can easily fit into any other churches i have visited but my own church.HAHA.i just cant help feeling left out and they are always in their own world.freaking exclusive. many a times, i ask them to ask me whenever they have lunches or outings outside.but they nv called, nv told me.sigh.im just venting out my anger, fustrations and disappointment.why did God want me to come back to a church which is so hard to stay. doesnt He know im backsliding alr. sigh. whatever. I'm sure God has His plans

:(

2009-08-30T08:20:00.001-07:00

couldnt wake up for church today.AGAIN.gosh.this is bad.dun want it to become a permanent habit :((

kent ridge sec

2008-06-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

just came back from kent ridge sec. camp.interesting kids.they are quite different from the bedok view one.got some attitude ones..but overall it was fun with them la.after campfire and everything,i believe they bonded together.so yeah.it was good.the instructors were fun to be with!hahaa.then i did kayaking!damn fun!though the person keep capsizing me.hahaa.and i couldnt climb up!! gosh.hahaa.super fun.then i did abseiling though it was not my first time..but its still fun.hahaa.i got so much tanner!whee!

so many things to update!

2008-06-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

so so many things happened the past week.hahaa
first i was so stressed over choosing which uni to go to..and the after effects of choosing SMU instead of NUS.but im appealing to NUS business..hope i can get in.but everything's in God's hand now.just gonna trust Him no matter what the outcome is..
then i went NUS Kent Ridge camp.i was utterly shocked by how many ppl i know there.cuz i thot i will know no one there.like seriously.i was so scared to go for the camp man..but the ppl are very friendly and nice!very sociable!hahaa.love mendez!=)

movie movie

2008-05-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

whee!its summer time!haha.alot of ppl tell me singapore got summer meh?haha.NVM la.but cant u feel its hotter now!and the fashion is so nice now!!cuz its so COLOURFUL!whee.hahaa.
went to watch movie with chang today..watched what happened in Las Vegas..super funny.Aston Kutcher is SO cute.haha.then when i see sales EVERYWHERE..i got excited!hahaa.i want to buy so many many many many things.hhaa.
my top shopping list is:
1. SHADES for my eyes!cuz its so bright nowadays
2. SLEEVELESS top cuz its so HOT nowadays
3. bikini! haha.cuz i find it hot looking.but i wun wear it.HAHA
4. contact lens (FINALLY.) haha
thats all.haha.im a simple girl.hahaa.
gosh.i want my voice backkkkkk.my voice is so hoarse now...i shall go sleep..tmr still need to watch indiana jones with shuwennn..haha.nites!!

Si Chuan disaster

2008-05-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

gosh.i was watching some channel 8 tv show just now..some charity show for the Si chuan disaster..it was so sad.i watched until i cry...recently have been watching the news..reading the newspaper..they have been reporting abt the situation in China now.gosh.it really makes my heart cry out for them.so many ppl died.and so many ppl are not yet to be found..as i was watching the show..i realise that these are real people whose homes are gone..whose families are destroyed..whose loved ones have died..the pain they are feeling right now..at this moment..when im typing comfortably in my study room..gosh.i really feel the pain for them.though i know the pain i feel cannot be compared to the pain they are feeling..i felt so so sad..esp when SO MANY children died.these are innocent children who are in the midst of studying when the disaster struck.
oh man.i really want to fly over to China now to help them u know..those who are still trapped..i believe that they are still holding onto this glimpse of hope..and i want to be their hope..but i guess the only thing i can do to help them is to donate money and pray for them..i think for the past few days..God has been speaking to me abt compassion...
Throughout the book of proverbs..the theme of compassion is being repeated:
'A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor'(22:9)
'He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them recieves many curses'(14:21)
A dozen of simiar passages make the same point: the God of the universe is so concerned abt the plight of the poor that he promises his blessing to any of us who will respond to their needs and act on their behalf. Matthew 25:40 also says "I tell you the truth,whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it for me"
The point is not to say,'Do you want to be deluged with good gifts from God?Then give to poor.' This is not about giving so we can get. This is not abt discovering a lucky charm that will assure us health and wealth. This IS about realising how closely God identifies with the poor and how deeply he feels their pain. It is abt realising that if we truly want to follow God we need to care abt what he cares abt, let our hearts be broken by what breaks his heart and become advocates for what he advocates.
So let us meet a need today..not necessarily to those ppl in China..but let us meet a need when we see it.think abt it.the world wld be such a nicer place with more and more compassionate ppl..
ANYWAY..the hotline is still on for donations to the SiChuan ppl..1900-112-5121 for $6..they will close the hotline by 1 June i think.yeah.$6 to u may not be alot..but to them is alot...
BY THE WAY..i want to go on mission trips!so whoever church is gg..pls jio me!cuz my church dun ahve mission trips during this period of time.hahaa.

Sec 2 bedok view camp

2008-05-23T03:26:00.000-07:00

GOSH.just came back from a sec 2 Bedok View camp..slept for like 18 hours! record breaking man.oh wells.i had only 3 hours of sleep everyday during the camp.but i thot it was normal.hahaa.when i woke up..i feel like i just came from a foreign world man.ahaha
being a camp facilitator is an interesting experience man.its nth compared to being an OGL or a group leader taking care of children...it is so so tiring..i guess esp when its super hot now.like really hot.i was soaked in sweat la.and was so dirty that i dun even care anymore.haha.i was quite relief when i was taking the express best class..they are more obedient than i thought.ahhaa.kinda bonded with them after the 3 days..but there are some guys in the class that i really feel like strangling..haha.
oh wells.i hope they rmb what i told them..and the values they learnt from this camp.hahaa.wish i could do the high elements.gosh.ahhaa.belaying was so hot..esp when my face is like towards the sun.gosh..
but it feels satisfying at the end..really.

work is boring..

2008-05-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

whee.haven update my blog for quite some time alr..
let me talk abt friday! had cell! met carol first.then went back to school for CF.feels different.gosh.i miss being a J2 =( then i went for cell..cell was good=) after cell...went supper with Eva,Joanna,Andy and Shaun!haha.had a great time.talked alot!haha.quite funny.but i drank too much tea.bleh.in the end couldnt sleep at all..
then sat morn..i almost died.cuz lack of sleep and plus indigestion.rawr.then had to go for the SMU tea thing.then go for service.was still feeling unwell.keep wanting to vomit.bleh.but after worshipping the Lord..i got better!yay!then we went to eat..haha.got to know jasmon better..saw joel again!!ahaha.took alot of photos.will upload next time.then went home with yuxin!!=)
today i went to work at expo..i wanted to die of boredom..seriously..nth to do one..sighhh

discipline

2008-05-08T05:54:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh.i woke up at like 3pm today?hahaa.wasted half my day away.

then i did quiet time..was reading abt discipline.haha.realised how important discipline really is.It talks about advance decision making.i like this paragraph the most.

Very few people are strong enough to make morally heroic choices in the midst of powerful temptations.Most of us discover that our good judgement wavers when the pressure is on.We would all like to consider ourselves invulnerable to temptation and sin.But part of maturing is understanding and acknowledging our vulnerabilities.When we do that, we realise how important it is to make the critical decisions of our lives well in advance of the situations or circumstances that tend to play on our fears, weaknesses or impure desires.We will each struggle with our set unique of vulnerabilities.But that does not mean we cannot live with integrity,as long as we are disciplined enough to make important decisions in the light of day when our thinking is clear.

oh.i was looking through my photos today..and came across this photo which i really like.cuz its really colourful.and it speaks of the times we had together

i miss those AC times =(

catching up..

2008-05-07T08:04:00.001-07:00

today went vivo again.haha.didnt see zhang dong liang there.hahaa.no la.i went to meet paula.its been such a longgg time since we have seen each other..really glad to see her man..yeah.she was one of my sec sch best friends..and she is going new zealand to study soon=( i will miss u paula!here are some photos we took=)

haha.cam whoring at an accessories shop.haha

shop shop!

2008-05-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

went for some written test thing at NTU today.quite sian.just wrote alot of rubbish i feel.ahhaa
then met kailing's friend..so coincidental!haha.
after went of with shuwen!!! we went bugis first to eat sakae sushi.ahaha.ate buffet..super funny.shuwen couldnt finish..then she stuffed 2 sushi into a tissue plastic bag.i laugh until i want to cry la.hahaa.but not bad la.we ate like quite alot of plates.hahaa
then we decided to go vivo to look for jobs.LOL.like we went around the retail clothes shops to ask if they are hiring any part timers.how embarrassing la.my first time doing that u know.haha.but we had so much fun.cuz we ended up shopping.ahhaa.we went like mango,zara,topshop,GAP,pull and bear,river island,FOX and Esprit.The clothes are so nice!!the season of clothes now is very bright and very spring like.hahaa.we really felt like buying every top we saw.oh man.ahhaa.in the end i bought a very nice tube top and shuwen also bought a nice tube top =) hahaa.walked so much la.hahaa.oh oh.we had fun trying out sunglasses too..ahhaa.i dun understand why all my friends are so bimbotic.ahaha.she is a true blue bimbo i must say.LOL.
must say im happier nowadays=) got over certain things=) i guess cuz i spent more time with other friends..then i wun feel the lack of sth..and it really decrease my dependence on him.im so so glad=) i really dun care whose best friend is he and who is he close to now.haha.cuz yeah.since he has moved on.why shld i stay =) time to move on and spend more time with other friends!=)
anyway i shall go sleep now..oh oh! i got accepted into SMU social science..gg for their tea party thing this sat.but still considering whether i shld go in there.still waiting for NUS reply.sighh.
ok.sleep.night!

slacking at home

2008-05-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

haha.im so bored at home..
so bored that im thinking of starting a fan club.haha.God's fan club!ahha.the catch line is "you will get His autograph through eternity!" and u dun have to wish to talk to Him..u can just talk to Him like that and He will be there listening.haha.
have been watching youtube..realise that luo zi xiang is damn funny.ahhaa.all his shows are super funny.but sometimes he abit over.hahaa.but im not his fan.ahhaa.i got so many friends who like him la.haha.i prefer zhang dong liang!!!haha.oh man.actually i realise its so fun to host shows.hahaa.i wish i could do that..hahaa.then can talk to so many ppl!haha.i really like talking and interacting with ppl man.hope my job in future will also be like that.ahhaa

here are the fishing photos!!haha

2008-04-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

oh.these are the photos taken on the day of fishing with joel,nuj and ka hang!=)

i never knew fishing could be so fun.ahhaa

ben and jerry's free cone day!

2008-04-30T06:48:00.000-07:00

yest was Ben and Jerry's free cone day! haha.ate 2 scoops.OOPS.haha.oh oh.i took picture with a cute cow..which i will upload next time.hahaa.at first carol,florence and sonia were suppose to join me..in the end all pang seh me! rawr.but then clement came to accompany me.so i guess its ok.and i did study!haha.then i shop for like 3 hours..for someone's present.oh man.i cant believe im so indecisive.by the time i decided..my head was so giddy..i think i use too much of my imagination trying to imagine the clothes on her..ahhaa.
ohh..i wrote this when i was at Pacific Cafe studying...
I think it is such a bliss to just sit down at a cafe and just study at my own pace..watching the world goes by. With relaxing music in the background, i think abt how wonderful God is. God made so many beauties in the world for us to enjoy yet so many are often caught up in hectic lifestyle.earning hard to pursue a materialistic life. When will be the next time i actually get to sit down here again and just enjoy life's simplest pleasures? We are often caught up in so many things.When will we slow down and listen to God's still voice and be amazed at his creation?
How soothing is the picture of the sea joined together with the sky.I think God is the GREATEST artist of all times.=)
so nice sitting down there and just looking at the sea.i wish i could do this more often.ahha

back to the good old days..

2008-04-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

sat went for prayer meeting and church service..haha..saw bronson!! i miss ur hair!!hahaa.he refuse to accept a hug from me.oh wells.too bad!haha

then i met sonia,florence and david at city hall for supper..and to catch up..ahaha.daivd looks quite different!and im quite surprise i missed him cuz i guess i have been seeing other comm members quite recently..haha.here are the photos!

haha.david without hair!!i still look so fair!rawr.i thot i got tanner after fishing!!

God

2008-04-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

oh man.i wanna change my blog skin!Can someone help me with it!hahaa
so glad that im drawn closer and closer to God each day..
Whenever i do my quiet time..He gives me this image of everyday constantly doing quiet time and praising God..and the result of it will be indescribable joy in my heart.i really want to work towards that.i use to have that feeling and its really great.like everything else just doesnt matter..cuz ur heart is on God alone.and u only desire God.i think this verse is really very true..
Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you
- Matthew6:33

time to lift everything up into God's hands.

slacking

2008-04-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

hahaa.have quit my job!finally!haha.such a boring job.assistant accountant.i will nv study accounts man.ahha.have been slacking at home..and also meeting up with friends..haha.life is good man.ahaha.
got a new job as a camp facilitator..though the pay is not high at all and i still have to go for camps =( but i think its a very inspiring job..i like interacting with kids la.though its super tiring.but knowing that i can at least make an effort to impact their lives drive me on.haha.been for the training..made a number of new friends..quite cool..
on tues..went swimming with wanting..haha.feel fitter.ahaha.
on wed..met joel..he came back from australia..became skinner.haha.good for him.watched semipro..its so not nice.no plot though its funny..oh wells..then went his house..i finally learnt how to use a capo!!!yay! and then some songs..feels kinda like back to the good old days.oh oh.his eldest brother is not so dao after all!haha.
on thurs..went joel's house for cell..cell was good.bronson called...haha.surprisingly..haha.
today..went out with christina..met carol for lunch..then went to the condo behind ACJC for some REW BBQ thing.quite cool to know some of the juniors.haha..then went Cathay to watch Forbidden Kingdom with Wanting and friends..ahhaa
oh man..shld i go for zhang dong liang's concert?i feel like gg..but no one to go with me.and its quite ex..like $145..bleh..im indecisive.hahaa

=)

2008-04-02T09:56:00.001-07:00

hahaa.its quite scary to know that my blog has been read by 4050 plus ppl! so many! anyway work has been very busy nowadays..quitting my job on next fri.haha.sick of my job alr.accounts is boring like crazy la.ahhaa
as for my spiritual life..im picking it up..which is good.ahha.oh.i got baptised on Easter and my christian name is call charis!=) it means God's grace =)
oh well..i got to go sleep now..so tired..bleh

were u ever my true friend?

2008-03-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

oh gosh.i cant believe im typing this.but i need someway to release wad i feel rite..
let me create a scenario..wad wld u do..if one of ur best frends(or at least u think so) never really treated u as a true friend..why is it that whenever i need someone to talk to..i can never talk to u.cuz apparently we arent close enough.and when im sad.i cant cry in front of u..cuz i said i will never allow myself to cry in front of u..cuz u said u wun know wad to do and u will feel damn weird.why is it that u never really acted like u were my true friend..except when i was in hospital..why is it that after spending so much time with u in JC..our friendship is just a passing thing for u.its like sth of the past.i once believe that as long as i am sincere to a friend and i am willing to invest time with that person.the friendship will be long lasting.i guess i was wrong..i dun understand why..and it's hurting me.its hurting me so much.cuz i really treasure this friendship.why are u always so insensitive to me..esp when others are around.why cant u tell how i feel..maybe my expectations are too high.u were right..i shldnt care so much abt friends..cuz u said friends are not forever.if it doesnt bother u..why shld i be bothered.time to let go.time to let God take over the situation.At least happy memories are still there.At least we were once close.i was so silly.i thot u were my guy best friend.i guess there's no such thing as a guy being ur best friend.Lizhen, get over it.keep the distance and the friendship will still be there..but i guess not a deep one.but better than nth.not worth sacrificing ur time for someone who nv put u as a priority.
its time to focus on God and God alone..yup.thats right.i shld set my priorities right.

ACS forever more..

2008-02-22T08:15:00.000-08:00

just came back from AC orientation..oh my gosh..i feel so old can..seriously man..it feels weird seeing the juniors taking charge..but at the same time..it feels nice too..to know that they have all grown up..seeing them groom the future generation and showing the AC spirit..and this whole passing on thing will last forever..the many generations to come..rawr.by then i wld really feel weird coming to AC..haha.
the mass dance was quite fun..i danced 4 generations of dance..haha.the senior's one..my year's one..my junior's one and my junior's junior's one(which is this year's batch) haha.i realise that next year..they prob wun even dance my year's dance..how sad..awww..
i know its crazy to be so on abt AC..i mean im no longer there anymore..but as they say once an ACSian,forever an ACSian..hahaa.and i dun think AC is just a JC..to me..its really like my second home?though it has only been 2 years..but it has been a meaningful 2 years..i learnt ALOT..made alot of friends..and the journey in AC is irreplaceable man..like really.i wld not give up the experience i had in AC for any other things..hahaa.so much for talking abt AC..i gtg sleep..ah wells.

directions in life

2008-01-26T07:03:00.000-08:00

finally..SAT is over!haha.a long 3 hr 45 mins paper...i almost died of neck pains cuz the table was so low!!haha.after that went for lunch with david and his church frends(cuz we took SAT together) at plaza sing..saw quite a number of AC ppl..haha.dunno why.AC ppl are like everywhere in singapore.haha.then met up with dhanuj and joel..they took SAT too but at ACJC..and i heard alot of RJC ppl down there wearing their RJC shirt or even uniform.retarded la.who wld wear uniform to go sit for SAT.ahhaa.
anyhows...i have been thinking alot la..like directions in life and everything..i have been so lost at what i want to do..everyone ask me..what i want to do in uni..which uni to go..and i realise i cant give a definite ans..i really dunno what i want.i thought i always wanted business..but many ppl think im not suited for it..i guess under these opinions..my choice kinda waiver..i mean i know who i really am la.i know i can be firm and focus if i want to(i believe my comm members had a "privilege" to see that side of me) but most of the time im just looking blur.haha.cuz i believe in that way it makes me look friendlier and less intimidating =)
ah wells..i really dunno the direction in my life man..my life is pretty messed up now..though it is very routine..working life is a routine life.hahai guess that's becuz my christian walk is not as strong as before..sometimes im really impressed by how David can be so faithful in his quiet time...really.for that i really salute him..i believe i was so much more in love with God 2 years ago..i realise in my life..there are so many uncertainties..i dunno what i want to be..i dun even know which church i want to settle down in.so screwed rite..i hate this feeling of not being settled down.every day and i really mean every day..i have been thinking of this settling down thing..i really really want to find a church where i can settle down and devote my time and attention in the ministries there..in helping the church to grow.all i expect of a church is actually very simple..i must have someone(human not God.haha.of course God is with me wherever i go) there to walk this journey of faith with me..someone who i can share my christian problems with..someone to uphold me when im down..and secondly, the church must be strong and rooted in the word of God.thirdly,the worship must not be conservative and lastly, i want to find a church where i can serve in..especially in the worship ministry..yupp.im still searching..haha.
i have been very lukewarm in my christian faith..perhaps i have kinda blend into my church alr.got use to ppl not being serious abt being christians and thus slowly i realise i have become like one of them..perhaps i have even grown cynical and one day i might just not go to church anymore..rawr.such awful thoughts..
why cant i be who i use to be.who wld know of the pains hidden behind my smiles..only God knows i guess.hahaa
i miss my frends...those that i haven seen for a long time..ppl like janene,allen,carol,sarah,colleen,lydia,shuwen,some of the seniors and many other frends whom i usually talk to in AC..i miss AC man..but sometimes i wonder if they have missed me too..i guess perhaps not.haha.not everyone is as sentimental as me..and sometimes perhaps that's what hurts me the most..when i place an importance on someone but yet to that person,im not of importance at all..or perhaps lesser..i guess..thats when i feel sad.haha.my sentence is so fragmented!but heck la.SAT is over.haha.
anyway gtg sleep.yawns..

AC

2008-01-11T08:37:00.001-08:00

haha.today went back to school..for the first it feels different.cuz im already J3..but as i walked in..memories of the 2 years in AC started coming back..i rmb the tears, time and sweat given to the school..but i also rmb the invaluable experiences i got out of it..went to cf welcome tea..seeing all the juniors improving in so many areas made me really happy..sigh..2 years really has passed so quickly..i wish time wld stop..but then that will be very selfish of me cuz there are so many future generations that will learn so much out of these 2 years...

bored

2008-01-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

went church today!!haha.finally not at home.ahha
this injury did taught me a few things...someone once ask me..what do i gain out of this..honestly..there was really nth to gain out of this..i didnt manage to crash orientation..i cant go for my malaysia trip..im feeling itchy around my wounds but i cant scratch them cuz WILL HAVE SCAR!rawr.haha.i cant move abt too..sighh..
but i realise sth..i have seen God's grace thru this accident..my eyes could have got hurt..but it didt..my wound was just below my eyes.and i had like scratches ard my eye area.but my eyes were not hurt AT ALL.how cool is that.
but this period of time..i dunno why..i feel lonely..i dunno.even though i had frends to visit during my stay in the hospital..there's just this loneliness la.esp at night.yeah.but special thanks to pearleen who everyday!i was really touched!!and joel who came twice and accompanied me for quite a while.yupp..
anyway im healing fast=) i hope there is no scar..haha.esp on my face!haha
and im so bored at home..but good in a sense la.makes me think alot.yeah.there are decisions to be made..the ultimate question that bothers me half the time.haha.to stay or not to stay..i really really dunno why even though i have stayed there for like 10 over years..i am still unable to find really close frends there..as in really close.many of frends said that even though they only know me for like a short period of time..it seems as though they have known me for ages..and that's cuz im friendly(i would like to think so.but u can beg to differ.ahha) yupp.so why..why do the ppl i have known for like at least 10 years feels as though i have just known them.is it me?am i not opening up?why am i so different in church compared to being in school...this question i have asked myself a dozen times..but yet..i find no ans..
i know i cant go back EL.things have changed..it feels weird there..and i cant imagine myself always hanging out with guys..haha.i can understand the feelings pearl must have felt..not that the guys are not fun to be with..but they are after all GUYS.living in their own world.ahaahah
should i still be church searching?i dunno.this is a question i really dunno.haha

2008

2008-01-05T02:42:00.000-08:00

wooohooo...1hour after countdown..i had an accident..super cool right..haha.i also say.spent my ENTIRE new year in the hospital la..and plus i had to stay there for 3 nights..HORRIBLE =(
then because of this accident..i had to forgo my malaysia trip which i was so looking forward to..and also this year's orientation la..sighh.but most of all..i feel quite bad cuz i made my parents so worried..sighh.
oh wells..this was wad happened..after countdown at ewen's house..we went cycling at kent ridge park there..there was a steep and long slope la..halfway thru..the right brake wire went into the front wheel and thus i couldnt control it..and i had a few seconds to decide wad to do.in the end i think i decided to fly out of my bike.hahah.and landed on the road...and the next thing i know was PAIN.i didnt even dare to move till jonathan came to pull me up la.i was SO scared..like seriously..in a shocked state.i felt super tired la.then ewen drove me to NUH..and i waited there for 5 hours!!!and it was like at the ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY place..oh my gosh..there were a few guys who accompanied me..really wanna thank them..i think got ewen..ivan..jonathan and milton..yeah..felt quite bad..cuz they were all so tired.and if not for my fall..they would have been cycling all night..shouldnt have agreed to go with them..but oh wells..
then got admitted cuz the doctor say from the X ray...my cheekbone might have fractured into 3 parts!!how did he see 3 parts i have no idea!cuz in the end..there was no fracture.THANK GOD.maybe a miracle took place.haha.yupp.
then ppl came to visit me..thank God they came..if not i will be bored to death..so i wanna thank those who came.i shall list the names to show i rmbed.
to isaac,joel,ewen,jonathan,milton,clement,hong gniap,pearleen,samuel,
pastor andrew,gareth,florence,sonia,david,rachel,
wanting,lydia,charmaine,zhou,
huimin,huiting,xiao mei,josiah,junpei,serene,ps siow hwee,joshua,allen,allex,uncle daniel,celeste,ivan,jasmine,jaytee,caleb,wenhua,debbie,jiajun,myron,
ephraim,michael,clement,yeow,felicia, jack,mdm sophia,mrs lye,miss mai,
miss josephine leong,dhanuj,bronson,rachel,
desiree,wanru,michelle,amaria,carol,janene and calvin.
THANKS ALOT!=)
i hope i didnt miss out any names.dun think i did.haha.with my superb memory.haha.and those who didnt came to see me..u guys are no longer my frends..HAHA.KIDDING.i know u guys are busy la.yupyup.thanks for the smses though..=)

youth camp

2007-12-29T00:02:00.000-08:00

haha.there are so many things that i haven update abt!haha.lets start with youth camp..youth camp was quite good this year...but somehow it just feels different...maybe becuz last year it was my cell who organise..then my group members are all so young..i feel so old there la.haha.im like the oldest in my group!besides linsheng...haha..then i realise its time for us to take responsibility and take care of the young ones..so fast!i was just telling huimin..dunno why i started not to like taking responsibilities...started not to like taking leading roles....it is so unlike me...i rmb i use to like all these...maybe becuz i had my fair share of leading experience in school..im just back to my lazy mode la.haha.anyway my group was quite funny..the two little boys,paul and daniel..though they are like so naughty...but they are also very cute..brought alot of joy to my heart seeing them..haha.i was looking after them as though they were my little brothers la.hahaa.things were pretty much the same when i left..dunno whether if its good or not..but was glad to see that a few of the worship leaders really improve quite alot..and some of the younger ones become more mature...its really quite heartwarming to see that those young ones grow up...but at the same time i feel old.ahaha.a part of me really want to stay while a part of me says this is not the family for me...cuz after all i am on different frequency with them..i quite said a lie..i told them that the bonds are still there even i left for 3 mths..but i was thinking..those bonds were nv there..the only friends im close with are perhaps huimin and huiting...and my cell?dunno..
im like super confuse right now..i know i still care for my church..im so happy with all the changes the worship min is undergoing thru..all the jamming sessions(FINALLY!)haha.but a part of me is just so tired and tell myself i wun be there to enjoy the feeling of joy when things are finally different..rawrrr...i really dunno.i think my greatest obstruction for me to stay is the frends there.AHH.and that is SO HARD to change.cuz we are really on very different frequency..and the clicks are there for so long.thus very hard to break thru....sighhh

dead passion

2007-12-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

just kinda came back from shanghai a few days ago..oh my gosh..i will NEVER ever go shanghai again..its like gg there to be tortured instead of holidays..
firstly i got nightmare every single day!and then my phone got stolen from my pocket! plus i almost got knocked down on the road..and i got cheated!! and my lousy haircut...and i had like high fever..had to stay in the hotel one whole day la...rawrrr..china stuff cannot be trusted man...

got back..helped out in children church camp...felt like a stranger..dunno why..this distant feeling..i have grew up in that church for 18 years?and yet just bcuz i didnt go back for 2 mths..everything feels so foreign..i feel even smaller than i used to feel..the sudd overwhelming sense of loneliness...haha.i have been thinking alot recently..maybe that's why i always find it hard to sleep.haha.
i rmb i use to be a person who love responsibilities..thats why ppl always say i always have too many things on my plate that result my tiredness and stress..ahaha.but now..i really hate doing things..i really hate to take up responsibilities..i dunno why..maybe becuz im getting older.haha.reflecting on my past year..i wonder if i really have grown...many ppl said i have...i have perhaps grown more responsible..more concerning..quieter...better at leading worship now..but have i really grown spiritually..there was a period whereby i have really surrendered to God..a period whereby my faith was strong..a period whereby trusting God has become part of my ldaily ife..but yet why now..i feel so far away from God..actually this is the same old feeling im feeling exact 2 years ago..but this time round..my passion is gone as well..there is a part of me that wants to be just like any other youth in my church..why bother pushing myself so hard?why bother being passionate..i once believe that the fire in me can be seen by my fellow church frends..it can be spread to them..but now..it has been 4 years..i know 4 years is not long..i know many bible characters waited longer than that for God to fulfil his promise..but why am i tired...i cant even find the reason to be tired.
i bet this may be damn shocking to some ppl who are reading this..haha.the ex worship ic who used to be so passionate for God is backsliding..haha.even i cant believe it myself..being involved in ministry work for 2 whole years..every day of that 2 years is like being in full time ministry man..i thot i wld emerge stronger..but where did my passion go to in the end..where?i want to find it back myself..but my heart feels cold..

rawr

2007-12-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

yest was seniors' night.woah.time really flies man.the last time seeing so many ACSians together..the next time i will see them is prob march?haha.will miss ACJC man.took so many photos.not gg to upload here.prob gonna upload at facebook.
then went for post prom.was ok la.so crowded.not really use to clubbing i guess.i dun understand how ppl can dance all night in there.drank abit.then i did one retarded thing.i mistook this alcholic drink for non alcoholic.it tasted like tea can.haha.so i got tipsy in the end.but not drunk i guess.yupp.
after yest..i realise how my life is in a mess.i dunno.i dun even know who i truly am.i dun even know what is happening inside my brain.i guess the same thing is happening all over again just like wad happened in sec4.sighhh.wad the heck.the next thing i know is that i may start to begin to backslide.i cant even believe it myself..nononono! i must get a grip of myself.i will nv allow myself to backslide.after wad i have gone thru with God for the past 2 years!..i wun let it happen.i wont.nonono.
i feel retarded talking to myself.haha

stress free!

2007-11-28T08:59:00.001-08:00

woah.A levels is like FINALLY OVER! no more papers! like NO MORE! not a single one! its been a long time since i sat down stoning and talking to my frends and not feel guilty for not studying!whoohoo!=)went out with janene and carol..it's been a long time since we went out together..miss u two man..both of them gg back to malaysia..honestly i nv seriously thot of wad will happen next in my life..like we talk abt our future..and i realise its no more in AC uniform..i felt quite sad at the moment..like reality really sank in..that im not in JC anymore.i will miss my JC life..so use to it alr..oh mann.....anyway we took some photos=)

there is always the child factor in our hearts?haha

then they went to my house to stay overnight..show u wad we do at 2.30am in the morning!

haha.yeah.we were cam whoring!LOL.then we talked la..will miss them man..

back

2007-11-22T08:25:00.000-08:00

wheee! ok.this is abit too late..but kinda relieve that A levels is almost done!left one last paper and that is literature.haha.but im quite glad its lit cuz it means there's not much studying..cuz how to study for lit?!haha.perhaps by reading alot of materials i guess.haha.
cant wait for As to be over and then i can finally concentrate on church stuff.has been away in my old church for like 2 mths?haha.but quite sad.no one came to visit me during these 2 whole mths.haha.it seems that it didnt matter that i disappeared.haha.but its ok..my promise is abt to be complete!one year is up..and i cant believe one year passes by so quickly.this one year has been a very trying year for me..i look back and so MANY events took place..its like countless.haha.cant imagine me working next year.ahha.but i cant wait to learn new things!! i think there's so much to learn in this world..so so much...

today went shopping with sarah..ahhh..i cant decide wad dress i want..how how how.haha.im so indecisive.as usual.hahaa.hopefully i can make up my mind..

lalala

2007-09-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

its been quite long since i last blog.haha.i know i shouldnt even be online..A levels is like 39 days away.haha.stress stress.haha..trying my best to study hard la.then really leave the rest to God..i have really seen how God can move in people's lives.i believe He can do miracles in my life too.haha

there seems to be a lot of things on my mind right.alot.i need to learn to let go and let God take charge..but i just wanna in the midst of all these..i will still love You Lord..i will still love You..

if only you were more responsible and nicer to me..i probably would have truly felt happy for you..

NOTHING is impossible for God

2007-09-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

i have learn alot alot this week..really alot..haha.watched facing the giants again on sat..it is truly inspiring..its like my third time watching it..and yet..i still can learn sth new out of it each time i watched it..really good=) it talks abt how we say we trust God and believe in Him but yet we dun take action..like for example 2 farmers prayed for rain for their harvest..one did nth and just waited for the rain to come..whereas the other one went out to prepare his field for the rain to come..and thats wad faith is all about..preparing ourselves first before God send His miracles..and this catchy and meaningful line was repeated throughout the movie..if we win we praise God..if we lose..we praise God..i mean that should really be our attitude...
in the show..the coach asked..what is the purpose of football to them? if it is just to win and be champions..then it is meaningless cause all these are temporary..people will forget them as years pass..it should be to honour God in wad we are doing..God has blessed us the talents..and we should use these talents to show how great our God is and not use it for our own glory..it really reminded me of why am i studying?wad is the purpose of me studying?wad is the purpose of me being in cf comm?wad is the purpose of all that im doing..and the root purpose should be:to honour God in all that i do..living life to the fullest for Him..

was very inspired by the movie la.haha.it reminds me that NOTHING is impossible for God..He can open doors that no one can shut and shut doors no one can open..He can do the impossible..really..there is nothing that is impossible for God..

then i went to my grandpa's house on sat too..after watching the movie..its been a long while since i have been to my grandpa's house..he cant even rmb me..oh wells..he is suffering senile..sigh..i hope that he will really get to know christ before he dies..cuz he is like 80 plus now..was speaking broken hokkien to him la.so funny.haha.then i talked to 2 of my cousins..my uncles and aunts..learnt alot from them :)

today went for service with joel..the last sermon of the series of sermon on the mount..it was good la.taught and reminded me alot of things..:)then went coffee bean to study with joel.wasnt very productive though cuz was wuite tired.haha.then went GP tuition..really learnt alot abt our Singapore society and the world la..super good:) then went yuhan's house for BBQ.haha.it was fun!:) tmr gg joel's house play and study...gtg sleep now..goodnite:)

read into my deepest thoughts

2007-08-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

prelims are over! yay! i have been taking a break for like the past 3 days.super cool.i watched hairspray and ratatouille alr.ahha.both movies are super cute.hhaha.

oh..yesterday we celebrated jasmon's birthday..the N354 ppl and the E354 ppl..we went to Miss Clarity Cafe..super cool=) but the food there is not that nice.haha.but dunno why yesterday after meeting my seniors..i felt a sense of melancholy..oh.i didnt tell u..i met shadrach mich andre joel and amaria at plaza sing.haha.i was walking around then i heard someone calling me and that was shadrach.haha.i was really happy to see them=) it has been a long while since i saw them..so i decided to reach the clarity cafe at a later time and went to cafe cartel to talk to them for a while.i duno.maybe its just me that they sudd seem so foreign to me..maybe its me that have changed.but i know one fact.i really dun feel like caring anymore.all these friendships with the seniors..i have long faced up to the fact that most of them have prehaps forgot me by now.all of us have moved on =)

anyway i felt very unfair to jasmon yesterday..i knew i wasnt in the mood to celebrate his birthday..and i was like sitting in front of him at the table.i felt so bad.so i tried to strike every conversation i could..and i knew i put on a smile that wasnt real.how long did the smile last?not for long..after a while..i knew i just couldnt take it anymore.the last thing i want to do was to burst out in tears in front of him and be the center of attention and robbing him of the attention he should be in.its his birthday..he should be the star..and so i walked out.i told them i wanted to find sth..which is quite true.i wanted to find a place where i can calm myself down..balance my emotions and come back again.and so i walked.and i found this nice place at raffles hotel(i think) it was just this place whereby there is live jazz singing.super nice..at an open restaurant i think.the restaurant was first floor.and i was at the second floor looking down and enjoying the music.i duno why..tears just started welling up.oh well.thank God there are reallly very few ppl there.haha.

i dunno whether it is a gift or a curse that im a person full of emotions..like really sometimes i just cant control the emotions like yesterday.i really didnt know why i was sad.or maybe i just didnt want to find out the reason.i know partly was due to the stupid award thing.i have to admit i was disappointed.really really disappointed.i keep telling myself that all the things i have done..i did it for God not for men.and i have been telling myself that ever since i handed up the form.cuz i know the chances are im not gg to get my outstanding award.but deep down in my heart..i guess i myself have shamelessly thought that i deserve an outstanding award.everyone tells me that worship ic has the heaviest job.i wish they had nv told me that.it just adds onto my shameless belief that i should get that award.and i thought to myself..all these while..why did i torture myself so much.why did i contribute to cf so much..more than wad is required of me..why did i always have too much on my plate..why did i cry so much for just one cca?why?why?why? i cant help but thinking all these questions.maybe im not as holy as ppl think..maybe im not as strong a christian as ppl think..i nv thot i would think of all these questions or maybe i nv wanted to allow myself to think of all these..cuz i know that strong and true christians are not suppose to think that way..i keep telling myself that all the things i have done..God sees it and He will reward me in heaven..i dun want to be like the pharisees..i dun want rewards..i dun want recognition for wad i have done..but as much as i keep telling myself that..i know my heart doesnt believe wad i said.i know deep down..i want the school to recognise how much i have done for the school.im a typical student after all. but i really hate myself for thinking all these and feeling sour..i really want to be strong.i felt mean yesterday..really mean.i know i felt unfair.unfair that why did david got the award when i didnt.i keep telling myself he deserve it..he has been a good pres..but i know my heart says that he hasnt been responsible..the times when i was so fustrated and disappointed at him..the times when he left me alone in my own ministry..the times when i had to be stress becuz of him..

see.u see the mean side of me now.maybe deep down im a mean person.im not as nice as u all think.im not as innocent as u guys think i am.im not as cheerful as i appear to be.im not that child like anymore.i rmb carol recently told me that i have grown alot.in a sense im not longer child like anymore.she said she doesnt know whether its good or bad.the good thing is i have become more and more sensible.on the other hand.i have lost my child likeness(being carefree..being so trusting..being so happy?) i dunno man.but i know i also dunno wad is happening to me.one stupid award can challenge my faith alr.maybe my faith is not that strong after all.was i really doing all those stuff that i was doing for God?do i really love Him?do i really have the right to lead worship..to nurture ppl?really..do i really love God?do i?
after watching this drama series..i sudd feel like i need someone..someone physically who can protect me..who can always be there when i need him..i wonder why have i been guarding my heart all this while.why?wad for?even though im not exactly good looking.even though im not outstanding.even though im not that ladylike..its not as though i have no suitors before.i wish my life was like the drama series..i wish i wish.but i know my wish will nv come true.ah wells.im gg crazy alr.i know that i believe all relationships should lead to marriage..but sometimes i really dun feel like caring..sometimes i just want to have a taste of wad is it like to be in love..wad is it like to have someone special..

why do i even think so much recently.why?i guess i wanna go studying alr.studying is the only thing that i need not use my emotions cuz it itself is emotionless..studying is the only thing that i wun harm or hurt anyone with my emotions.studystudystudy...hmm..

friends forever

2007-07-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

emoing nowadays..dunno why.i think its in the atmosphere.haah.the 31st student councils are stepping down on mon.i sudd realise how time really really flies.everything seems like yesterday to me...reality is starting to sink in..i didnt felt much when i stepped down la.haha.cuz maybe im still doing my duties even right now.but i know i will surely face withdrawal symptoms when i finally fully stop all that im doing..i was looking thru all my photos today..saw how J1 i looked when i was in J1.haha.looked so retarded.haha.and i was looking thru the events in sequence..and realise how much i have grown..how much stupid and funny things i have done.soon..it will be my turn to graduate from ACJC.i dun want to think abt it man..i think i will start crying.i cant bear to leave AC..really.i must say that AC has taught me many many things..and i made so many lifetime friends there.was listening to graduation song by vitamin C just now..really made me look back alot.i know its bad to look back..but im a very sentimental person la.cant help it.haha.

today was studying at oldam wing with shuwen.saw jasmine(a junior) and she reminded me of myself last time man..those times when i was with my seniors..all the funny times i had with them.ahah.sudd i felt sad.part of the sadness was becuz i miss them..another part was that i realise some of them prob forgot abt me alr cuz i lost contact with most of my seniors alr.and they nv bother to come back to AC..i realise how hard it really is to keep in contact once everyone leaves AC.i hope i will still be in contact with my close friends after we all graduate man.

haha.oh man.time to focus on As..haha.

For God we live

2007-07-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

This is an absolutely incredible interview with Rick Warren.His wife now has cancer, and he now has "wealth" from the book sales. In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said: "People ask me, "What is the purpose of life?" And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body--but not the end of me.I may live 60 to 100 years on earth,but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense. Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one!The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life.The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness. This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life,there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,"which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of h elping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people. You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72. First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism?Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)? When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and >> love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings. "Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.Difficult moments, SEEK GOD. Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD. Painful moments, TRUST GOD. Every moment, THANK GOD. "

it really kept me thinking.so i hope that when you read it you will think and reflect on ur life as well. nowadays i guess God has been telling me to focus on HIm and to live out the way He wants me to live and not the way i want my life to be.To live a life of no compromise, a life of having God as the center. This is this year our CF camp theme verse but it only sank into my heart recently..and that is Psalms 139:23&24 "Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

2007-07-03T09:37:00.000-07:00

Take you back by jeremy camp
The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall I bring your name down
But I have found in you
A heart that bleeds forgiveness replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
But I know that your response will always be

I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now (x2)
I'll take you back always
Even when the pain is coming through (x2)
I'll take you back

You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I'll take all I can
And lay it down before
The throne of endless grace now that radiates what's true
I'm in the only place thaterases all these faults
That have overtaken me
But I know that your response will always be

I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now(x2)
I'll take you back always
Even when the pain is coming through(x2)

I'll take you back
I can only speak with a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift of your love
I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough
You take me back always
Even when my fight is over now (x2)
You take me back always
Even when my pain is coming through(x2)
You take me back (repeat these 5 lines twice)

comm handover

2007-07-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

ah wells..
comm handover didnt feel like comm handover.i feel so numb.and i duno why.izit becuz im too tired of being in comm.cannot be.maybe reality hasnt sink in yet.i did cry on friday.but thats becuz im just being emotional.i was looking at the photos thats all.haha.i was very touched when i saw the video they made for me.but i didnt have the overwhelming emotion in me i thot i wld have.
we shld have a second proper handover man.ahaha.anyway after that had a fun time talking to da jie,carol and janene.haha.it was really fun.i love u guys so much.i pray that our frendships will last forever=)
anyway looking back..i see God's faithfulness..i see God's hand upon every situation.i see God's power and sovereignty.all i can conclude is that our whole serving term is really to God be the glory,the best is yet to be.our juniors will continue to soar at a even greater height than us.and i believe in God and them=)

the BEST birthday i ever had!hhaha

2007-06-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

oh my..today was..crazy.hahaa
i started my birthday by leading morn worship as i wanted.i wanted to offer and commit back my 18 years of life back to God and just to thank Him for what He has done for me.His love is indeed amazing!haha
then after that..many ppl smsed me wishes of Happy Birthday..i was rather happy.but it didnt feel like my birthday..i duno why..maybe im getting OLDDD..so the excitement of birthday ain there anymore.haha

so nth much..but it was rather strange..cuz too many ppl know that its my birthday alr.so i was suspecting my comm planning sth.but then till like the last period of school..no one from my comm msg me anything! so i decided to test them by msging them.haha.but hardly anyone reply.ahha.then i asked lydia if she's free to go out with me.ahha.cuz if the comm plan sth.she wun be free.so i was expecting her to say not free..need to do homework or sth..but in the end she said she's free.so i was very puzzled.hahah

then my classmates were so nice.they celebrated with me at oldam wing.kinda gave me a surprise=) love u guys.haha.and bought me this OP notebook and a pencil case.haha.they are nice.but i duno why both are in brown.haha.then i duno wad happen..someone blindfolded me AGAIN!!
haha.so i was led or rather pushed to the void deck.and i was really surprise by the balloons and all.ahha.really sweet of my comm members to do a surprise party for me.=) so they sang happy birthday song and i made a wish.haha.and then they asked me to get sth out of the ice cream with my mouth.ahah.i knew if i did..they are gg to smash the ice cream into my face.so i stood at an angle that it was hard for them to push my face downwards.but i never expect allen to climb on the table and push my head la.so i got smashed into the ICE CREAM!
so nvm.i went to wash up.haha.when i came back.i saw david holding sth behind his back.i tot he was gg to smash me la.cuz he was looking so suspiscious and was like chasing after me.haha.so i looked intensely on him.and guess wad..allen took the WHOLE tub of ice cream and smashed it into my face from behind.RAWR! and that was really messy man.my whole face plus uniform was dirtied with ice cream la.i could hardly see or breathe.haha.it was crazy la.
this is when i got smashed the first time: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvh6GqnnFAU&mode=related&search
this is when i got smashed the 2nd time!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDwtkzrThGc&mode=related&search
thanks to those who were there!!but i really want to thank my comm(david,janene.allen.carol.sonia.florence.gareth.christina) for planning this.i am really touched by your efforts..i didnt expect u guys to go ard telling everyone my birthday la.haha.thanks alot!! i love u guys alot.and i will always treasure being in comm with u all!=) u guys made my day la.haha

at night i met dhanuj they all at clarke quay..haha.we were suppose to celebrate diane's birthday.and i really believed it u noe.cuz they blindfolded her and all.and i even made the "birthday cake" for her..and u noe wad happen.they bluffed me!!before that they all acted like as though they didnt know it was my birthday.haha.and then i was quite sad la.but i was like nvm..cuz i was given enough attention in school alr.so now my turn to give attention to the diane even though i didnt know who she was.hahah.i was so enthu when i made her "birthday cake" la!then i held it for her as she took off her blindfold.and then IN THE END U NOE WAD HAPPEN?! they started singing happy birthday song to me.i was like oh..so nice of them to sing me first before diane.and then they told me that diane's birthday not today!!!i was shocked!! i was really surprised and shock..and stunned!haha.i really really really believed that it was her bday la!ahaha.they cheated my feelings!haha.but they were so sweet!! we ate at pepper lunch..so then they gave me a rose.which smells SUPER sweet!and then there are like some random ppl working there giving me strawberries and wishing me happy birthdays..it was so funny.hahaha.
us at riverwalk
so after that we walked ard..and then in the shopping mall..there were random ppl again giving me strawberries and ssying some lines to me.haha.it was so funny.i know its they plan one la.so sweet.they gave me 18 strawberries altogether! by 18 different ppl!ahah.i was really touched by their efforts!!then in the end they sang happy birthday song to me again by the riverside.it was so nice.ahha.thank u guys so mucchhhhhhhh!!!thanks dhanuj.thanks bronson.thanks joel.thanks yuhan.thanks shirleen.thanks joanna.thanks eva.thanks jessica.thanks jean.thanks alex.thanks diane.thanks katriel.yupyup.haha
haha.the AC ppl!with half of katriel's face in it.haha.joel looks retarded.ahha

the 3D birthday card they got me.made by eva!so sweet.
the birthday wishes are all inside the flowers!

whee! here are all my presents my friends have given me.thanks guys=)
today is really the BEST bday i ever had..thanks to all my frends..im really touched to know that there are so many ppl who love me and are concerned abt me.and most imptly, i want to thank God for them=) i wanna thank God for bringing me so far and for showering His love in my life.i love u Daddy God!=)

surprised

2007-06-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

haha.today was pretty a normal day..
till after school...
i was practising with rachel at the bleaches for tmr's morn worship..then after that..i went out with lydia..everything seems pretty normal..till while i was walking out of the gate..lydia asked if i could let her see my specs..then i took it off for her and then sudd from behind someone covered my eyes with a piece of cloth and then i turned ard and caught a glipse of janene.haha.and they press the cloth even harder against my face and i screamed and someone even cover my mouth.haha.i almost choke! haha.but after awhile i stopped struggling la..haha.and they got me into a cab.ahaha.and i was singing stupid songs the whole way..and then they brought me to ang mo kio la! haha.i walked ard in the shopping center blindfolded! i must have look like a retarded person.ahaha.
then lydia led me to newyork newyork.and they took off my blindfold and sang happy birthday song to me.ahha.so sweet! i was indeed very surprised.haha.in front of me were sarah and david.haha.i felt so touched.haha.
then we ate this gigantic burger and felt so full la.haha
thanks lydia, sarah and david for planning this pre birthday surprise for me.really appreciate it.i really want to thank God to have friends like you guys.=) i will always rmb the retarded and crazy moments we had together..love u guys lots

josh bday

2007-06-20T08:28:00.000-07:00

today studied the whole day in school man.ok.maybe not whole day..but i got study a bit here and there.oh wells.haha.
then we celebrated joshua's birthday..haha.the cell was so sweet=) we ate dinner at clarke quay then we surprise him at the river side with many deco.hahah.was very sweet la.haha.wah..i was thinking if any guy wld do this kind of thing for my bday..i will immediately be his girlfrend man.ahhaa.lol.just kidding...its just the kind of "cinderalla" thought.hahah.i will upload photos soon..once i get them from joshua.haha.

met someone today in school..and sighh..the person nv changed...still the same as before man.so far..he is the only guy who hurts my pride and mis-inteprete wad i say sometimes.and worse..he thinks that im not meaning wad i say and tells the whole world that i actually mean the other way..which is sooooo wrong..this is not the first time alr...sighhh...when will he ever change...haiz.but i will learn how to love him as a brother.i will! im trying to be nice la.haha.and people think i like him just becuz im nicer to him cuz i want him to just treat me a little better..

ANYWAY i dun care anymore..haha.i have to let go of all these i guess.haha.let go the fact that we cant be close(in terms of friends ONLY ok)..let got the fact that there are many things in life that i cant control and things will nv always turn out the way i want them to be la.hahah

pictures!

2007-06-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

oh!oh! i forgot to post pictures! haha.let me post some of the pictures i took during the hols..starting from camp i guess.ahaha

me,sarah and lydia trying to be graceful.ahah

me and lydia! i was supposedly to be the wiseman!haha

the juniors and some of us at laser quest.haha.i had the highest score among the girls ok.ahah

this is my first time bowling! my score was not bad ok.i got 67 i think.ahaha.

june hols

2007-06-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

haha.this is the last week of my hols man.piaing my hw like crazy.haha.realised i have been revising only..thats badddd..have been shopping alot too.aaha..let me form my shopping list!!
1. *A pair of casual slippers! (must get soon cuz my current one gg to spoil alr!ahhh)
2. *A pair of heels or going out shoes.haha.
3. A casual dress =)
4. Hillsong United All of the above album!
5. those kind of long necklace
6. pencil case?
7. clothes and many clothes!haha.i am trying out the retro style now.haha.realise all my clothes at home are all beach wear type(beach wear dun = to bikinis.haha)..
8. Hillsong My Saviour lives album

hahah.oh man.i really have lots to buy.haha.btw which makes it easier for u guys to buy my birthday presents.hahah.lol..
anyway just wanna share sth meaningful i watched this past week.its called "facing the Giants"
its abt how we shld never give up even though the task seems impossible to accomplish..and how with God..there is really nth that is impossible..and really taught me to persevere on and to continue to praise HIm in ALL circumstances..=)

hols.

2007-06-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

RAWRRR...
its like the middle of hols alr and i have only covered econs..not even fully..sighh
i want more time!! i still have so much to catch up and revise..
time really flies very fasttttt....wayyyyy too fast..so fast i cant believe it..haha
thinking abt all the happy+stressed moments during my serving in comm..
wahh..we have really come a longggg way..
i really love my comm alot.haha.even though there are many a times i cry over comm matters but there were many many happy and crazy moments together too.haha.
now that we are abt to step down officially, i cant bear to let go of all of these.but i know i have to.ahah.its time to pass the baton to the juniors to continue our legancy=)
haha.im quite a sentimental person la.i still kinda miss my seniors when i enter into the hub la.i think i will miss comm meetings.haha.=D
anyway i shall go back studying..haha
btw haha.im not advertising my birthday here so im not saying the date.but many ppl ask me wad i want for my birthday..haha.
the greatest present or perhaps wish is that every single friend i know can celebrate my birthday with me.ahhaa.i know that is impossible.hha.but oh wells.

cf camp

2007-05-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

CF camp is over..time really really really flies...i cant believe its over.and it didnt even turn out wad i imagined it to be.haha.if i am given a chance.i wldnt want to end up in hospital.not in my entire life.but i guess God has another plan for me.oh wells...
during the camp..really got to know ppl better.which is good.but i think a 3 days-camp is too short la.haha.if only it was 4 days.haha
when i look back now..i can say that my comm has come thus far..really far...its really amazing how God works in each one's life.wow.
anyway to urm..: oh wells.all i can say is that i have tried my best to always look out for those in need and try to help them.but its really really hard to tell those who are really in need.cuz honestly EVERYONE is in need..and i can confess that this year i didnt really do alot alot of ministering except in terms of worship cuz my hands are tied down.u have no idea how overwhelmed i am by stuff..but i did take out time to listen to my friends..listen to their problems and give them advices..is that consider ministering?and wad do u mean by those who are appealing????

Passion AC

2007-05-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

WHOOHOO!
THANK GOD for PassionAC man! now that its over..i cant believe how fast time flies!
haha.i kinda miss PassionAC..seeing all the ac ppl just worshipping God really touches my heart.=) God is just so awesome in the place la. His presence was definitely there. and even though there were so many last min changes like the sequence of programs and how i needed to cut my song list from 8 songs to 4 songs..haha.it will be one experience i will never forget man.
i wanna thank Daddy God for teaching me alot alot alot of stuff thru this event.
woah..the whole passion band and the whole passion adhoc has come thus far man..there were so many last min things that throw us off track.ahah..but God is really faithful and He really blessed this event cuz its His and for His glory alone!
though the 3 weeks before Passion were the most horrible weeks in my whole life..but i dun regret gg thru it.cuz God has brought me to a higher level! He has stirred up my passion and He taught me how to totally surrender my life to Him.i know that before i led worship, i surrendered everything i had in my life.i told God that if im gg to ask the ppl out there to surrender their lives to You, i myself have to first learn how to.and i did! amen man.haha
and now i can just sit at the bleaches and just adore His reverent glory and grace and mercy and love He has showered upon us..=)
btw to the person who is named "um" saying that my actions and words dont really reflect how a christian shd behave n react to stress..so by saying that are u judging me? i believe that we humans do have weaknesses and without all these trials and problems that causes the person to realise that one have nth and one is so imperfect tthat he can only need God to help him.and its only when one is broken..God can fully uses the person.of course i do know that i shld trust in the Lord and stop worrying.but being humans, i cant control myself.i can only let God do His work and mould me.it is a process for me to learn.and of course i will want to follow the bible as much as possible but the flesh is weak while the spirit is willing.i hope that u will stop judging abt how other ppl shld live and all...cuz its not in our place to judge and instead we shld encourage those who are struggling with sins to continue to persevere in the process of learning to overcome them.and ultimately it is God who helps them to overcome their problems=)

toughest pt of my life?

2007-05-08T08:17:00.000-07:00

hmmm...i guess this period of time is the toughest and most horrible time of my life.i've never without fail..cry everyday for like 2 weeks. i wanted to give up just now..i wanted to be irresponsible and sudd drop whatever commitments i have.becuz i felt my comm took me for granted.i felt that i was so alone in my ministry and they failed to realise wad i have been faithfully doing all along..the mon chapels..the wed mon worships and the friday services..

but i couldnt.cuz i know i still love God..and im not doing all these for people to see.but God to see.and He alone knows my effort.ah wells..humans always fail for their flesh is weak but i thank God He reminded me this.He reminded me that im working for no one else but Him.sigh.i duno when all these problems will end.but i thank God that He has been teaching me alot though in the hard way all along..and i will continue to hold onto Him.

sigh

2007-05-01T06:37:00.000-07:00

rawr! i dun feel like studying..so i shall blog abt stuff.haha.

MON(30th April)
chapel was good even though i sang out of tune many times.haha.the J2s were in front and for once i could hear the peole down there singing when im not.haha.and really wanna thank God for this chapel cuz yeah.it was quite last min due to my fault.but i was really touched by the chapel too.cuz when i heard the voices below.i felt we not only have the school spirit in cheering and orientation but we also have the school spirit in worshipping the Lord!=)

after school i was super tired..so i went CF room to sleep.i slept for a short while.then i was brought back to the scene of sat night.sat was really really horrible for me.i never felt so helpless or lonely in my entire life.within one day i was rejected abt 20 times and there were people who were just being harsh at me during my lowest moment.honestly i never cried so hard for the entire day..God was faithful though.He provided 3 people that i never thot i could relied on.really wanna thank Ben and Colleen.thanks for being so supportive and understanding=) and also Kester.haha.even though he kinda stressed me alot at first..but oh well..all went well.really thank God!=) but yeah..back to sat night..i never cried so hard for the entire day before..and my eyes were so pain that i couldnt sleep even though i was tired.then to make it worse..there were thunders and lightning.and my room were so dark.. i still rmb how i was so scared of dark when i was small..i never felt scared or what bcuz of thunders and lightning..but i was then..i prayed to God and i kept praying..for the loneliness and the helplessness to go away..but i felt God was looking at me from afar..i was asking Him to come nearer cuz i need Him..but He didnt..but in the end i still slept eventually.then yeah..yest i was brought back to the scene.and i realise i woke up crying.and the feeling was so real..i continued crying even when i was awake.even when there were like 3 of my comm members in my room..i still feel the same feeling.no one bothers to comfort me..no one bother to ask me what my nightmare was.i cried for like 15 mins..and i ran out of the room.then i cried in the toilet for like ages.until i felt my nose wasnt red anymore then i went out.haha.
and i saw janene on my way to the CF room.talked to her..and i started crying all over again in the VOID DECK!!! ahh.so embarrassing and ugly..haha.but heck care.hhaa.was very touched by some juniors..they wrote a kind of "letter" to me.ahha.
then went vivo with sarah! RIVER ISLAND got sales!! haha.then we had sushi under the moonlit sky.haah.in front of the harbour.it was quite nice.just that we kept getting interupted by DAVID WONG!!and he is super long winded can!!haha.but anyway it was quite funny.so sad i couldnt stay over=((

TODAY!(1st May)
woke up today and the first thing i hear is scolding from my mum.she scolded me for waking up so late(12pm) and how good my life is..and blah blah..then she started on this whole scolding abt minute stuff..i couldnt take it.why does she always have to scold me when im at home.my dad was smart not to be at home all the time.i know he chooses to go overseas working whenever he can.i would if i was him.cuz why stay at home when u dun have a wife who loves you.my dad have been so nice to my mum and to the family and yet my mum never really showed that she loves him.im so use to seeing them sleeping in separate rooms.i'm sure i wun be sad if they ever divorce.
i feel so rebellious today.i went out and went tiong bahru..i was walking ard randomly..feeling very sian..i dun even feel like studying..doesnt anyone know that this is my most crucial period moment..with so many things bringing me down..all i need is support..support from friends..support from family..i dun need preaching on how i should feel or wadsoever..cuz i know..i know..its not as though i dun trust God..its not as though im not having faith in Him..but i know that even as God is moulding me at this period of time..when He is making me stronger..all i really need is support.i cant go thru this alone.im glad that God has taught me so many things during this time..im glad He have made my faith go stronger..but i really hope that even as i go thru this tough time..there are frends who can support me..who can just listen to me.......

overwhelming disappointment

2007-04-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

i never ever felt so disappointed for my entire life..or maybe not never..but yeah..this is definitely one of the major ones..

i have never been rejected like so many times within one day before..i think over 20 times?haha.but of course i cant blame anyone..cuz its my own fault..and honestly..everything happens because of my own decisions..even the disappointments..

today God had really taught me how human beings are really that unreliable.and how even though when u need them so so badly they cant be there..and yest God has taught me sth too.haha.God has taught me alot of stuff!hah.He has made me realise the feelings He feels when i dun pray..cuz yest..i waited up till 1am for someone's call cuz he told me that he will call at ard 1230am.and i was rather looking forward to it cuz i haven been toking to that person for a long time..and i was super tired yest..but i waited and waited..and there was no call.and i thot nvm..morn he will call..but when i woke up there arent any call.i felt so disappoint..and at that pt i realise that was how God felt when we dun pray(toke) to him cuz He kept waiting for us to toke to Him..He yearns to hear our voice.

nice song!

2007-04-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

Stained Glass Masquerade - Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

thinking

2007-04-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

sigh.i'm at home again.i caught a cold.as usual.nth much surprised abt it.haha
was just thinking alot..
like how the passion of going to school has seized.i rmb last year even with a fever i will still try to make it to school.perhaps becuz i know that there will be people in school to get me thru the day..
now is like my most crucial year and perhaps period.with passionAC coming up and A levels so soon.i have to admit i need friends to get me thru the day.im a very people person.but i find that there are hardly anyone who i know definitely that they will be there when i need them.not even my comm.not even when Ms Tan's room is often opened.i guess i can blame it on different breaks..but im glad that during this year i have got to know people better.i do have close frends.dont get me wrong.haha.but i also do know that some of my close frends..if i ever disappear in their lives..it wun make a difference to them.
ahh..i realise the urgency to find a study buddy.someone who will always be there during my break.maybe not just one.cuz no one im close to have the same break as me.but as least i must make sure that during every break i know i will have one to study or hang out with.hahah.i desperately need to know that i have people to get me thru the day..if not i guess the longing not to come to school will just carry on.
honestly i have to admit that i m feeling the stress but i know that if i tell any of my close christian frends.they will perhaps reply trust in the Lord and let go.you shldnt feel stress and all.all this i know..but dun they know that all i need is just someone to hear me.not telling me all these..cuz im not prefect.even as im learning to let go and trust in the Lord..i will still feel the stress..and there is no one i can channel my feelings to.
im feeling so horrible now.i wish that the seniors were still back in school..sitting at the regular table..those times when i know that they will be there if i need them.sigh

sick!

2007-04-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

ahhh..im down with a cold.i cant stand my nose!! it keeps running.haha.
was studying today at vivo.not fruitful though cuz im so tired.lol
i realised an interesting fact today..atually long ago.aha.i was looking at all the couples walking past.and i realise that in a couple..the girl is always better looking than the guy...i wonder why.haha.oh well.just an interesting fact.haha.
anyway i gtg study now.24 more weeks to A levels.=/

a sense of nostalgia though its early.

2007-04-07T09:43:00.001-07:00

today is the last day for westside story!! so sad..really.its like the last production the j2s will be doing.im so sad.i cant go for their post production party.=( even though im not really active in drama but i always love the drama people.they are so nice.sometimes i wish i was more active in drama and get to know them better.but oh well being in CF comm does not allow me to.at least not for me.i cant cope with many commitments. i wish i could be like those who can cope with their studies and the many ccas.there are so many if only in my mind nowadays.if only i was more active in drama(i dun even mind being in crew.i think its fun).if only i join council.if only i join dance. if only.
but i guess different people have different calling.i dont know what made me want to join CF comm.but i guess its really in God's plan.im not regretting joining CF comm.though honestly there was indeed a period of time i did.cuz after all the human flesh is weak and human beings are ambitious.afterall who knows what "behind the scene" work we have done.but as i look back, CF taught me alot of stuff.firstly it humbled me.like honestly.cuz CF does so much behind scene works that no on knows, the job is very humbling.and when we are tired of doing it and no one recognises our effort, it is really for the glory n honour of God we are doing it.yupp.
aiyah..i sudd feel so old.i keep having the sense of nostalgia nowadays la.cant stand it.ahhh..rawr.i wanna be a j1!=( but j2 is fun too.

Followup event!

2007-04-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

phew! i just had a longgg day in school man!
Firstly i almost died of not sleeping the day before! all becuz of GP critical commentaries@!!! rawr! haha.but praise God i survived! and followup event was good!! really wanna praise God man! He moves so mightily even when we are so unprepared. next time we will not be so last minute!haha.hopefully God will change this bad habit of ours. there was a good turnout today.games were good.worship was good.testimony was good.and food was good.as usual.haha. im very happy now!! cuz i can sense and see that God is going to move mightily in CF! cuz CF is getting more united and larger!=))
haha.and im really really glad that our comm is getting closer! i will continue to persevere to see our comm to reach the unity i once dreamt of!=) ahhh..sudd recently i feel a sense of nostalgia..maybe becuz its soon that im going to step down alr.like in 2 mths time! time really flies.actually not flies..teleport is even faster.haha.was just going thru the comm forms that andre photocopied for me for my ministry last year.past event one by one appeared in my mind.really miss those days man.haha.but now is good too!!hhha.i learn to treasure every moment of my life so when i look back..i wun regret.=)
really very excited in what more God has in stored for us.=)

the power of God

2007-04-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

haha.today is April fool day! aww..too bad didnt really get to fool anyone.wanted to like bluff the congregation today.but i guess better not.if not uncle daniel scold.oh well.haha.today is the first time in 1 and 1/2 mths that i lead worship again.oh well.1 and 1/2 mths is quite long..given the fact that i didnt go church for like 3 weeks.haha.anyway im really amaze at God's power.i am reminded of the power of surrendrance to Him.Honestly i felt im not spiritually right at this time to lead.cuz like wad i told the church, i was facing a time of spiritual dryness.even more to that.i wasnt really doing my quiet time very regularly.i even broke down when i was practising!cuz i didnt have the peace in my heart like i use to have whenever i lead.haha.at that point i told God, its not me who is leading but You.i am going to surrender this worship into Your hands.i wont be able to lead without You cuz im too weak." and today even as i led, i led by the holy spirit. i didnt even want to be vulnerable to my church by telling them i wasnt feeling right.but God told me that i have to be open with them in order for them to see His glory thru me.and i did.i can tell you, it wasnt easy.its not easy to make urself vulnerable to the whole congregation.But it is only when we surrender and obey God 100%, thats when He can come and take control.thats when His glory can be seen thru you.

today's worship to me was good.perhaps not in man's eyes.but i noe i was indeed truly worshipping God cuz this is the first time my heart was actually really really crying for my church people.(thats why my voice was shaky) haha.and i could felt God's presence there.which was really totally amazing.i mean thats for me to say.but i duno the congregation.lol.

and i had a huge encouragement today!! i was really really encouraged by charmaine.when she was the first one to raise up her hand!and she was like sitting right in front!! i was soooooo encourage u noe.cuz long ago i felt i wanted to nurture charmaine to become a worship leader.cuz i felt she got potential.i duno why i felt.but God just placed it in my heart.but then i think she is too young to enter worship min.so i kept this secret desire in my heart.today i was so touch!! im really really touch that she has the passion for God.=))

but besides that encouragement, i duno why..the feeling of loneliness is back again.i always felt that way but somehow today it came back again.maybe its becuz today i presented myself vulnerable to my whole church congregation and yet none asked me how i was after that.but oh well, like what i told my youth, this journey of obedience and surrendrance is hard but God promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us!=) Its hard but i believe with God's strength i can go on!=)

Synergiz!

2007-03-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

hello!
haha..taking a break from studying of chem..haha.i havent talk about Synergiz!haha.i have been to 3 years of synergiz and i must say that Synergiz never fails to stir up my passion for the Lord and HIs people..=) super cool can.
haha.before i went synergiz i was really rather down..i guess very tired of all the things i have to face and do..however..during the conference..the Lord really taught me some things..and He has given me new revelations..which is super cool.haha.lol.God is an awesome God la..in the conference i have made a pact with God.i told Him i decided to choose the cross above anything else.even though the cost of choosing the cross and persevering in the "spiritual ice"(relating to the story that Jeanne Mayo said) is tough..but i guess that the ultimate outcome and result will be fulfilling..thus i decided to re-enter into my church's worship ministry and also not giving up on CF comm!!=) i prayed to God that those hurts and pains will not harden my heart against them but rather the opposite-softening my heart.and you know wad..God granted my wish.ahah.really amazing..even though the situations are still there..but now im able to face it and plus even better- with a softened heart!=) cuz the past times were horrible.i could felt my heart hardening against even the people i love in comm and in churh..thats why i chose to escape..i chose to not face reality..i chose to heck care everything..but now! i have made a pact with God! and i believe that with God's strength i will persevere on and see the glory of God revealed before me! =) yay!

im gonna be a red tagged person from now on! all for HIs glory now and forever!amen!=)

studying..

2007-03-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

haha.decided to take down my previous entry..cuz i felt it was written out of anger..and it is not very edifying to my cca..so yeah..haha..i still love them...there is this song that i really like and that is testify to love..for as long as i shall live, i will testify to love..=)

haha..i have been studying like crazy for like the past few days la..ok..maybe not crazy...but still quite hardworking la though i got take breaks like shopping..eating..walking and talking...hhaa..actually i like this pace of studying..though i know i should be more focus and more efficient.haha.but i like leisure studying..haha.i prefer studying at a more relax pace than this..haha.but God has blessed my studying..though to be honest..im not efficient in doing work.haha.

today went studying with da jie..haha.not very fruitful..cuz my mind is like dead..i dun even think when i do the math questions..haha.i hope tmr will be better..haha.then i saw bernice and cherilyn at island creamery studying too..then saw hussain afterwards..ahha..singapore is so small huh.haha.lol

anyway was just thinking about passion AC stuff..actually im still quite stress abt it..sigh..the band is still not yet formed!haiz..there is so much to consider abt..rawr!haha..but i guess i have to continue to look to God.=)

im back!

2007-03-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

hello people!
i'm back! haha.after so long of not writing..haha..sooooooooooo many things happened over the past few weeks..firstly was Chinese New Year..then followed by founders day..and releasing of A level results...hhaha.watching the seniors taking back their results was indeed exciting and how to say..im just so proud of them(even though they are my seniors) and i could feel the AC spirit in the hall la.=) im glad many did well..i felt that our seniors worked especially hard so i think they really deserve the good grades cuz it was achieved by sacrifaces of fun time and endless amt of effort and a whole lot of discipline. and i realised as they came back on that day..how much i missed them..the seniors i would say play a rather big part in my J1 life.haha.especially those from CF!!=) haha.seeing them now dressed in all different kind of clothings and with all sorts of hairstyles made me feel very weird..haha.they seem so familiar but yet so different like they have all really grown up..haha.

and i think watching them getting results also stirred a feeling in my heart.cause the week before i was considering to request for retain..my health got worse than last year..i keep feeling tired and all..i can hardly catch up with my work..and i really felt that by then i will still not be ready for A levels. but as i watched the seniors as a cohort got back their results..and i felt that i dun want to remain in this college next year while i watch my cohort getting back their results..i think it wld be a horrible feeling..and i dun want to remain as a J1 watching my batch graduate during baccalerate service..oh well.. i guess it really helped me decide if i shld retain..and my ans is no..=)

nowadays..i am quite ok..but rather stress for passion AC..sigh..and nowdays im crazy abt this show "Hana-Kimi"..and i noe i shldnt be distracted esp when terms are coming..and i cant believe im crazy over wu chun..his face keeps appearing in my mind..can someone slap me? haha..perhaps as i was telling my friend.he has all the qualities of my ideal guy..haha.he is like an all rounder..and most imptly..he can cook!!!!! and from his blog.i can tell he is a veyr nice guy..oh well..but he is a star and he is so much older than me..i shall stop dwelling in my own dream world.haha.its time to wake up and buck up for terms!

sometimes i really wish i can be back to last year..all the enthusiasm and brightness i had in my eyes(although u cant see cuz my eyes are really small)..but this year..im always in a sian and stoning mood..sigh..

fusion!

2007-01-14T06:35:00.000-08:00

haha..this past week have been busy like crazy..haha.i haven even update on orientation..haha..to summarise it all..AC orientation 2007 rocks!!!haha...saralonde rocks and triton rocks..love u guys man..we are indeed many hearts one spirit..haha..sch is really crazy..and i see ogls everywhere i go..so its like mini orientation everyday..ahha..cf welcome tea was great and beyond..really excited of wad God has in store for us this year..cant wait for passion man.haha.then fusion was great too..saw many ac ppl there..haha..like i say eveywhere i go i see ogls!i saw colleen..tessa..timothy..cassandra..mingxiu..and many more la..super cool..i really hope each of us will bring the passion back into our sch..and im sure there will be a revival if we do so..really excited..haha..anyway i gtg do my work now..bye!

christmass!!

2006-12-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

woah! its been a looongggg time ever since i blog..hhaha..i have been super super duper busy..i cant believe hols are gonna be over..sigh..

let me start with youth church camp..woah..i tell u organising a youth camp isnt easy..cuz there are so many unpredictable things that will happen..like the stupid weather..organising is super tiring..but i guess the outcome is satisfying..really have to thanks the whole comm and pastor siow hwee and uncle daniel and those who helped in one way or another..the camp wun be successful without u guys..yup..

let me start with the camp comm!haha..i love u guys to bits and pieces man..though sometimes we have arguments..though sometimes u guys really make me wanna cry and give up..but i love you guys alot..and thanks for being there always and working as a comm together..i still rmb the nights we had to stay up till to discuss abt stuff..the times when we are all so tired but still continue to press on..the times when everything doesnt seem to come our way..but we manage to salvage it by God's grace..i love u guys alot..and i will always rmb u guys..and after so many years..we may have distant away frm each other becuz of our own busy life..i believe that deep right down in our hearts...we are close as when we were young cuz our foundation is laid.=) yupp.haha.u guys have to endure me for one more year!!muahaha..=p no teasing ok..haha.this goes out to junwei.haha.but let us embrace the next one year together and see our church change and get ready for revival!

haha..this is one camp i will nv forget..cuz its so tight packed!haha..maybe i went for ogl camp at the same time..ahah..sorry corinth..din manage to spend time with u guys even though i wld love to..=)

ogl camp..saralonde rox i tell u! the ppl there are cool and all..haha..i cant wait for oriention!hahah..

after church camp and ogl camp...i was super exhuasted..i slept from like 12am to 3.30pm..ahha..then i went to help out for ccis..dressing up like a roman woman..telling the christmas story..first night was with ben n deanna..haha.ben is crazy i tell u..he is a chicken glutton.ahah.oops..haha..second night was cool..i saw eunice!!!! i cant believe la..how cool rite..haha.then we had fun telling the story..haha..then this india news reporter came and asked us to say the christmas story and stuff..ahah..super funny..haha.at night like 11pm..i went high and started singing..we all sang carols..haha..super fun!then it ended super late..i was telling God pls let me catch the last bus..and u noe wad..right after i walked out of the mrt and to the bus stop..my bus came..how cool rite..

and oh..christmas party at ephraim's hse was fun!! haha..even like half the time i kept getting jack..roar!myron u watch out..one day i will jack u like crazy in front of the juniors!!!muahaha..haha.ate alot of food..and yeah..had fun..i will miss cg man..i love the ppl there too...

yupp..wad else..ohh..christmas eve..haha.went church.haha.had a talk with pastor siow hwee..hhaa.i really respect him as a pastor la.i know how hard it is to be a pastor..haha.cuz you must be really humble and all..haha..which explains why my calling is not to become a pastor..hahaa.had a long talk..oh well..most of the stuff he said is true..and i decided to stay for one more year..i promised him..haha.so u guys out there can be my witness...and this one year i will give my best la..i promise i will not be half hearted in doing things and stuff..haha..yupp..

oh man..hols are gonna be over and i haven even start doing my hw!!ahhh!!!haha..i m so dead.haha.

busy busy busy

2006-12-07T08:39:00.000-08:00

haha..i haven been blogging for a looong time..haha..
after coming back from the myanmar trip..it made me think alot..and kinda help me grow closer to God..
i must declare i havent done any hw..haha..and i m like super busy with church stuff and next next week OGL stuff..must rely on God's strength alr..haha..
haven found anyone to co lead with me for long worship..sigh..i dun really have the confidence to lead myself..and i haven really decide on my band members! ahhhh...
haha...but hols have been good..i hope hols will nv end and next year will nv come man..

so happening..haha

2006-10-29T05:04:00.000-08:00

this week is super cool man..i did alot of crazy stuff..haha..started from mon..hhaa..celebrated David's bday..haha..surprised him with one small cake in the morn by luring him down to the canteen saying that its charmaine's bday..haha..lol..then smashed the cake in his face in front of Mrs Chan..haha..then in the afternoon surprised him with the real big cake and we had pizza too! yum!!haha..then at night did sth happening with Carol..sth that no one wld ever do in AC..haha..but i shall not reveal wad is it.haha..

then on tues..went out with paula..we were bored and din noe where to go so we were looking at the MRT map..and i just anyhow chose marina bay cuz i nv been there before..ahhaa..so after we went there we just anyhow took a bus..haha..and i saw marina park..so we dropped at this random bus stop..and we explored marina park..super nice..haha..cuz its quiet and the scenary is nice!haha..then we sat at this rocky shore where ppl fish..and we made 10 wishes as we threw 10 mini pinecones into the river..haha..after that we saw this staircase that leads to the pathment alongside a expressway..so we followed it..not knowing where we will be going..but we just walked till the end..haha..had fun toking and enjoying the breeze..haha..we badly wanted to go back to civilisation..ahah..but the road never ends..after exiting the expressway we came to another expressway..=/ and we could only see trees and cars..no shopping centers..but because i had such fantastic sense of direction..we ended up at marina square..cool huh..haha..wad an adventurous day!haha..lol..

on wed..i went to swim with Melodie..XinYing n Melissa..my swimming improved!at least i m no longer scared of water.hhaa..then at night played with water with Carol..haha..super fun..haha

on thurs played basketball with Clement, Myron and their New Creation Church frends in sch..after playing we ran around the track..until my legs were aching..and i sprained my left ankle..=/ haha..

yest..went to eat breakfast with janene, carol n sonia..hahaha..then after that we went vivo city! super big! ahah..the top floor is super nice..we were so amazed and wowed by the design..ahah..i was like in love with the shiny white floor of vivo city..haha..and four of us when we explored the top floor..we were like little kids!ahha...played with water..played in the playground and screamed there..ahha.lol..and we went to eat at Ben and Jerry! super nice..ahaha..shared 7 scoops of ice cream..haha..are u jealous??!!ahahaha.. we tried on some clothings..which is super cool..and soon Carol had to go.so me sonia n janene continue to explore the place and we watched Dead Or Alive..haha..super alot of hot babes can..haha..and they damn pro at fighting..aha..quite a good movie..but i wanted to watch death note..ahaha..but it was a fun and tiring day man..haha..i m so glad Vivo is near my hse..haha..

then today had camp meeting..ahah.. wad an eventful week..and i realise i eat alot of unhealthy stuff(pizza,cake,venezia ice cream,ben and jerry's icecream and still got other stuff)! i m gg to grow fat!!but i did alot of exercise(bball,swimming,running) too!ahha..so i guess it balance..haha..

cheers to the class of 2006

2006-10-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

today mark the end of a 2 year life for the J2s..the baccalerrate service was great and rather touching..i dun think any other sch can beat the AC spirit man..i truly saw the spirit and the passion in each of the seniors..i m so glad i came AC after all..i was thinking how fast time flies..one year is gone in a blink of eye..i still rmb the first time i step into the school..i rmb how i look up to the seniors..then there was comm interview..and very soon the J1 comm was chosen and there was june camp..and how the seniors org everything..and right after was student council investiture.followed by our own handover..and how everybody cried and stuff.but the seniors continued to stay behind the scene..always ready to help us if anything goes wrong..then i rmb them crowding the hub studying for their prelims and later on ultimately their As..and our promos soon came..and they took over for that 2 weeks so that we could conc on our studies..

and lastly..today i saw the seniors graduating..time really flies very fast..surprisingly i din cry..haha..cuz that time i told michelle that i will cry but i din..aha..i guess reality din sink in then..but now come to think of it..i really feel very very sad..cuz i wun be seeing them during break times..and u noe how many breaks i have..ahha..no more catching up with them in the hub..no more seeing them ard in sch..haha..u may find it weird for a J1 to actually feel that sad..but i really miss them lar..cuz they are really close and dear to me..i really love them alot..
i guess i will miss jasmine the most..cuz i hung out with her the most..esp during free breaks..

and i wanna say thanks to the following seniors(those that i am close to) for being so wonderful and nice..for being there to help me academically..brightening up my day and also being someone that i can look up to..=)

jasmine.shadrach(no more suaning).andre.michelle(no more high frequency).amaria. joel.caleb.cheryl. yiling.sarah.abigail.sheryl.clement oh.jaclyn
krissandi(no more jackings=D).eugene guo (no more hearing of 'im handsome'.good for my ears.haha).joan.myron
jonathan tang aka jaytee.changjie.ian.ephraim
mark.stephen.clement(haha.no more attempts to scare me.good.lol)

ACJC will never be the same again without you guys! =)
pls do come back and visit yar..=))

bored..

2006-10-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

sigh..today is the most boring weekend i ever had..excluding yest..but yest i was terribly terribly sick..so yeah..but we had cf comm outing..was fn..we ate dim sum..haha..

then today i basically watched tv the whole day..n was bored till tears..so went out to buy vcds..haha..bought In Her Shoes ..quite nice..hah..i like the last line..i carry your heart..i carry it in my heart..so sweet..haha..

oh well.even though it is after promos..i dun feel lighten at all..not a single bit!!!! i duno why..must be becuz of PW..and stuff..sigh..i feel like breaking down sometimes..but i know it is not right for me to do..cuz i m suppose to feel light cuz God carries my burden..but maybe i din surrender them to Him..

i have come to a point whereby i dread going there..i duno why..i mean..i have been there for like ever since i was born..i hate this..

promos are finally over!

2006-10-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

whoohoo! promos are finally over!!
after like 2 mths of mugging..im sick n tired of being in the hub always man..haha.
but then...there is always PW..=/ sigh..oh well..i guess the only time whereby i will be free is after my As..sad huh..
but anyway..was very high today though i m terribly sick!i got sore throat,fever,headache n running nose...=/ was crapping on the way home with jasmine n david..super funny..never see my daddy so high before..
i hate hate hate the haze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
stupid indonesia!all their fault!!!!
make me sick..
roar!

next week is crazy man..

2006-10-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

haha..let me type a quick entry..tmr i got math test..=/ haha.next week is crazy lar..everyday also got exam..=/

oh well..yest i was studying..haha..then after went Trinity Christian Center for their sat service..i was wearing shorts there lar!cuz i realise i look weird wearing bermudas n sch base shirt..so i ask sonia to bring a skirt..haha..anyway yest during service..i was reminded of God's unfailing love for me..i was so touched by the video..when i saw the father running with the son..a picture came to my mind..when i was weak.when i was down..God carried me and ran my race with me..and i was just so touched that tears started rolling down..

then after that i went to join FUEL..or wadeva they call it..haha.first time joining FUEL..quite interesting..then sth that got me thinking was michelle's question..haha.i duno how we toke till we end up to her question..a question that i shoved it at the back of my head long ago..but now..it is being re-surfaced again.ahah..those who know me shld know what is this question..cuz i have been struggling with this many times..is the question of whether am i suited for my church..the passion is dying down..i m tired..i m tired of being alone there..the only person that kept me staying other than God is my youth pastor..though pastor Siow Hwee may not know it..but he has been encouraging me in a way..that kept me staying...i guess God is faithful..He at least provided someone..my cell..after years..we have drifted futher and further apart.the relationship is no longer as close as before.not to blame them cuz i rmbed what carol told me..as we grow up..our social circle becomes wider..and everybody is so busy with their own lives that we only see each other once a week.we dun even know what is going on thru each other's life..we are not keeping each other in prayer..as a planning comm..we are not walking in the same speed in the same direction..there is lack of support and upholding..we may know what is superficially going on thru each other lives..but what about spiritually?

just when i had these thots in my mind..just when i thot that my cell wants me only for the planning of the camp(that's what i felt last week when i went back.the way everyone toke to me.i was so disappointed)..huimin msged me..at least someone realise i was missing from church..oh well..it kinda encourage me quite a lot..i guess i gotta pray..ahha..anyway gtg study now..bye

be thou my vision

2006-09-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

the JOy of the Lord shall be my strength and His word be a light unto my path

one whole day in sch?

2006-09-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

haha.i juz came back from sch after like 7 hrs of mugging..including walking ard time..and toking time..not to mention stoning time..hahaha

was studying at the top floor of oldam wing..super nice..very windy...and the scenary very nice..but then the airplanes that flew by are very noisy!haha..then went down to the void deck to study with david..the void deck was noisy!got the construction..after he left went to the hub to study...haha..then went holland V to eat subway and go home!
a prose i wrote.haha.not a poem..cuz i suck at writing poem.ahah...

when all things fade away
You alone remain
things
people
feelings
change.
the world is spinning
everyone is moving
no one is waiting
sometime we wish we could invert the hour glass
but reality doesnt really allow us
all we could do is to trust
that in all things
God works for the good of those who love Him

overwhelmed

2006-09-15T08:08:00.000-07:00

ROAR!
i HATE PW!! its the subject that makes me cry the most lar..i almost cried in front of rahimah today..i duno how to do my eom!i did it like 4 times..and its still below expectations..oh man..i m so gonna fail PW..
haiz..i think i m very stupid..i m getting more and more stupid after each year..how can i survive man..i was smarter in RV lar..i wasnt that blur and everything..sigh..
feel so overwhelmed..by many things..no only academic..but others..

today was raining! so i wrote this "poem" out of inspiration.haha.

angels hovering in the skies
won't you hear my heartfelt cries
like the rain pelting down
my heart is crying now
why this feeling wont go
or maybe i duno how to let it go
i feel cold and empty inside
God, dun ever leave me aside
cause i need You like never before

i must love myself.=)

2006-09-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

ok.it has been 3 days since i last updated!=) and i will control myself not to come online for 1 week before promos..haha.ok.hmm..wanted to study yest..in the end wasted my time emoing around..shld have went home.cuz anyway i knew i din have the mood to study..ah well..lastly i cldnt take it and i cried again.haha.but of course only in front of sonia n carol.this is like the 8th time i cried in ACJC? woah..haha.nah..but i m better now..nowadays i was facing personality struggles..i struggled who i was and my characters..and i hated myself for many things..i duno why..but yar..oh well.i know as long as i focus on God..i wun go wrong..and i know that God is trying to tell me many things..i know i have been distracted by many things ever since the start of term 3..

riverside

2006-09-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

i studied by the riverside today!! not sea though..yest i studied at harbourfront..i realise the most effective studying environment for me is in front of the sea..haha.i had a crazy idea..ask my mum go starcruise then i shall study at the void deck..haha..so nice!!! ahh..i m dreaming man...hhaa..anyway studied with paula today..the nike guy came to our church to give a talk on the success of nike..lol..but i thot he likes to act cool.haha.

ohh..my hair smells very nice..=D haha..but i dun like my hair!!very ugly and short x( i regret cutting it..oh well..

2006-09-07T07:28:00.000-07:00

oh well..sad..been asking who can study with me..but nobody can..
i just wanted to be with the comm people..but i cant blame them cuz they cant study outside..haha..
i guess i need to stop being so high I !!
but hyeimun was nice..she saw my nick and asked me want to study..and her hse is near potong pasir..haha.=)

hmm...

2006-09-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

oh my goodness..why do i feel so emo nowdays..=S
am i still in depression..not right..i got out of it right..yeah.i did.but why do i still feel the unexplainable sadness in me..i duno why..perhaps being with different grp of ppl i feel differently..i felt hyper and genuinely happy when i was with my comm people and that time as i study with shuwen.haha.
i feel the attention seeking side of me increases ever since last last week.haha.2 weeks ago i still rmb i din even wanted to toke to anyone..but now..i juz want to be with people.i guess it helps in my recovery.haha.but i kinda hate it as well..as much as u guys hate it i hate being an attention seeker..it shows i m dependent on people..which is BAD..but my faith is still strong and holding on..no worries..and i love God more than ever..but WHY do i still feel this way..oh my goodness..i always have unexplainable feelings..haha.

sadly
your words are empty
why
do i feel u are colder
to me
action does speak louder
lost
with excuses in my mind
simply
i m just too sensitive
maybe
you are facing problems yourself
guilty
i havent been paying attention
to you
why
must people drift apart over time
despair
that somehow things will never be the
same again.

comm meeting

2006-09-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

haha.today went to flor hse for comm meeting n fellowship.haha.it was one fo the best comm meetings i ever have man..haha..we did reflections..shared abt wad is happening in each of our lives..and yar..we bonded..and then we finally came out with one clear vision..haha..and also consolidate stuff..i wld say tis is the most fruitful meeting man..haha.ended abt 8pm.haha..then went home..super tired...got to do my eom now..haha.bye.=)

oh well

2006-09-03T06:42:00.000-07:00

haha.today studied at island creamery with shuwen..productivity level was only raised by abit.aha.i studied half of electrochem!haha..lol.

then was in a rather happy mood..was reminded of how when i was small, my mum use to take me to swensens!when she was still working..haha..i rmb that i always order banana split!hhaaa..oh well..when i was thinking of these memories..i thot of being nicer to my mum..after all she is my mum..maybe i shldnt go out and study often..
and i went to the ntuc to buy biscuits for her..

but when i got home...oh well..she slapped me..u noe how it started..
it started with me asking her what porridge(she cook one) is this as i was scooping up the porridge...
she said"see for urself la!"
me: but i duno.there are so many things inside
she:" shutup and just eat lar.u shld be happy u dun have to pay for it.it is out of my own money ok!"
and then i got angry..why muz she always be so calculative..i kinda raise my voice and said "fine! next time i go outside eat myself"
and then she slapped me..oh well..

forget abt her..

tmr i m gg to see the comm..kinda excited..and yet on the other i m not really...oh well.haha.

sun tanning!

2006-09-01T05:58:00.000-07:00

whee...today went to the beach!hahaa..its been a LONG time since i been to the beach..at first i was abit in the bad mood cuz kwek was 2 hrs late!haha.but then.after seeing them..somehow i cant try to feel angry already..i guess becuz i know them for so long already..haha.

we went siloso beach to find woon..to pass him his shorts.=/ and he was caneoing?haha. then we went palawan beach to sun tan!! haha..we played in the sea..and it was juz very relaxing..aha..even though the sea water was super salty! but anyway i got tanner! haha..who wun get tan after being under the blazing sun for like 3 hrs?haha.i got abit of sunburnt too..ahah..and xiao bai aka bei bei does not look as white anymore..haha.

but i had fun today..haha..it was really relaxing juz to forget abt sch work n other stuff..haha..i shld go to the beach more often..but then i can say singapore seawater is super dirty!!haha..

and oh! my dad is coming back today!! yay!

sigh..

2006-08-31T07:09:00.000-07:00

past week has been good for me..i mean i m so glad i m out of critical depression..and my frends noticed that i m more cheerful too..heh..haha
until now..sigh..i mean i m no longer in depression..but sth are juz tearing my heart apart..seriously.literally i can feel the pain..
why cant she understand..u noe wad..i gave up..i seriously cant find any love..i duno how to express myself in words..all i can say is that i m glad that i din say words that will hurt her..after all it is not glorifying to God..but u noe.i have been juz tolerating and enduring..i cant take it any longer..i cant..this hurts me so much that i feel it will juz bring me back to depression again..
i m hurting so much inside..sometimes i wish i cld juz cry onto someone's shoulder(dun get me wrong.need not be a guy.haha) i mean i juz need someone there u see..
but the thing is i dun want to burden anyone..i dun want them to be upset over me..i really dont want..anyway everybody have their own problems..it is not fair to them if i add on to their burden..
when i was juz hurting so much juz now..i was really tempted to call ppl..first person was melodie..cuz she said she will always be there for me when i needed someone.but then i realise i duno wad to say..i juz needed someone there..even on the phone..so i know i m not alone..but nah..i thot it was awkward.then janene is back in Malaysia..prob enjoying her time spent with her family.dun want to disturb her..pearleen has got enough problems herself..the J2 seniors are enjoying their time at Michelle hse..the J1 comm ppl most of them are facing their own problems..and some of them juz got getter..and in the first place i feel i m not even close to most of them.i m sorry to say that i wish the comm ppl can show more love..but i m not blaming them cuz i know i myself need to be more sensitive to ppl..i have been way too self centered..wanting..i duno..i m juz scared that she will cut my conversation halfway cuz i cant help but feeling awkward when that time she cuts my conversation at the bus stop halfway when i was juz pouring out everything..and she juz left me halfway to board her bus..i m so sorry..but i cant help but feeling a little hurt at that time..and then paula..i duno..i saw her today and she look so happy.i dun want to make her upset..

sigh..some ppl say i know alot of frends in school..oh well.which is true..i know quite alot of ppl..but sometimes at time like this..i feel that i hardly have any frends..i feel super lonely..sometimes i wish ppl will juz noe wad is gg on in my life..i mean during my depression..when i m suffering from critical depression..i wish i dun have to say that i m not ok..i wish that someone will juz noticed it..esp my closer frends..but of course i cant blame them if they dun know cuz all along in school i feel i m juz putting up a brave front..who knows what i m gg thru..except God..ahah..i tried to act normal..i find it so hard to act in front of my frends..esp my seniors..but i knew i had to..i cant let my mood affect them..they were gg thru their prelims..but a part of me felt like a hypocrite..i felt i was decieving them..

but i know i can survive with God's love alone.and his grace and mercy.for when i m weak i m strong becuz His strength is made perfect in my weakness.and thus i will not asham abt my weakness but rather boast of it..

i will trust in the Lord God Almighty

2006-08-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

woah..past few weeks have been like really horrendous..i always dun have the time to take a break..i took a short break during the past weekend..on fri after CF i decided to go to my cousin's hse and then i started reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince..i mean it has been a long time since i read story books!haha..and i was kinda fascinated by Harry Potter..not becuz of all the spells and stuff but rather the plot of the story..yupp. and i borrowed it..bad choice..cuz i m those kind of ppl who cant wait to read till the end..haha.and Harry Potter book is so thick!haha. anyway then Saturday went to Lamar Boscheman(duno how to spell his name) 's seminar..and he talked abt the same stuff..but he kinda reminded me again..the heart of worship..and also he kinda bring out some stuff which i did wrongly..anyway it was great..and me shadrach n his bro went bedok interchange to eat.haha..and then i went to the Macs..supposedly to study but in the end i was spent the whole afternoon reading the bible..haha.it has been so long i spent such a long time meditating on God's word..and after the past few mths..i finally came to my sense..as in..i know that God has been really trying to tell me that i need to spend more time with Him..reading the bible..doing quiet time and praying..and He really had to break me down in order for Him to remind me..and i m so glad He reminded me..cuz i find myself so guilty of not spending time with Him esp after entering comm!and i m suppose to be spending more time with HIm now that i m the worship IC!

and from now i told myself i muz get out of this laziness..i mean i use to do qt for like 1 hr.but after i came to JC..my qt time shrunk to less than half an hr? i m gg to recommit my qt to Him man..and i m reminded that i told Him that i m gg to focus on my worship life..

but God is so faithful..even when i m down..even when i feel no one loves me..even when i juz feel like being alone all the time..even when i start getting abit rebellious..and somehow juz cant love myself and the ppl ard me..and now i can proudly say that even when i m weak now..i mean the problems are still there..but His strength is made perfect in my weakness..becuz i m weak,i m strong!=)

my faith has really increased by alot man..and thank God! He is just so awesome..

oh.and i got sth happy to say!i passed my chem test again! really by God's grace man..seriously..i nv felt so sure i was gg to fail..cuz u can ask my seniors and my frends..i hardly knew and understood that topic..BUT by God's Grace and only His..i manage to pass and i can proudly say that i m a miracle student when comes to chem..cuz i always manage to pass!

as for back in home..i m doing my best to make the family more like a family..really..i m trying..

getting worse..

2006-08-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

sigh.past few days haven been good...
i realise everything start to plunge down after June holidays..and i dun understand why..haiz..
after June holidays..i practically get sick everyday..i kinda miss the healthy me when i was in my sec sch..at that time i was super healthy and act played sports quite often..but now..haiz..everything juz seems so different..

now i juz realise i have juz developed a phobia for worship..haha..and ironically i m the worship IC..hhaa..im juz so afraid of leading worship now..and reallly..i think i m juz going to schedule the everyody else except me..i cant help pondering abt yest..i dun understand.i dun understand why whenever i lead in AC i cant seem to sing..i use to be able to..i cld sing most songs..but now it juz seems i cant anymore..and moreover i feel that i juz cant lead..i m not good at leading lar..one thing i dun understand and it hurt me the most was i dun understand why when my heart really wanted to lead ppl into worshipping Him and i juz wanna bless people and i juz wanted to see God glorified in the place..but yet everytime when i lead it seems that ppl juz cant feel His presence and whenever i lead..the worship always go wrong..i dun understand why..all i want is juz to see people worshipping Him wholeheartedly..i duno whether izit there are still sins in my heart that i have yet to confess and thus they are hindering me in my worship leading or it is juz simply that after all one whole big round..i m not called to be a worship leader..haha...talk abt me knowing and so sure that my calling is to be a worship leader..hhaa..
sorry char..even ater talking to u..and u giving me advice..i cant help but feel this way..

today was ok..gave up half way when i was doing my econs test even though it was super easy..but i was super tired..and thus i din even noe what i was writing..ahaha..and then spent my break with my seniors..haha..they keep bullying me!!haha..but they kinda make my day happier.haha

but when i m back to alone..everything juz resumes back to normal..i noe my inside is still not right..i noe its still wounded..i know it is not easy to get happy and totally juz cheerful as i was..
but u now wad..i m trying..but sometimes i feel that i m juz putting up a false front in front of ppl..i guess i may be better...cuz i noe my sadness may affect ppl..cuz i find other ppl mood affecting me sometimes too..

i dread gg to sch(all because of PW and the tons of hw and tests)..i dread staying at home(because..oh well..)..and i even dread going to church..not dreading abt the part when i worship Him..but rather the part whereby i need to start planning games already..and also..i feel that whenever i step into my church..i feel like i m stepping into a battlefield battling against the devil..cuz whenever i will always have this feeling of needing to do sth to help the church.i mean thats what God made me stayed for..but i guess it gets tired when one always give instead of recieve..i m so sorry to say..but the church is not helping me to grow spiritually..i m juz not suited for the church lar..i m not criticising the church but the truth is my spiritual growth doesnt come from the church..but rather it is from outside..like CF..and last time was my sec sch frends and EL..because firstly..sad to say..i never shared any spiritual problems with any of my church frends.because they wun understand..and i noe they wun understand bcuz i shared before..i juz feel so alone in the church..i feel i m juz struggling alone..and sometimes i juz wanna give up..but whenever i want to give up.God reminded me of what He wanted me to do in the church..and sometimes i feel i m over-estimating myself..i m juz like a small character in the church..what make me think i can help in church growth?i duno also..but sometimes i feel i m juz too prideful..arghh..i duno how to express how i feel in words..nvm..
sigh..

juz me and God

2006-08-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

oh well..where shall i start..i m juz so overwhelmed by things..
firstly..my sickness..haha.act my sickness is not really a sickness...to me being sick is like normal already ever since i came to AC..there was not a single day whereby i was healthier..maybe hvae..like 3 days or so..haha..went to see doctor the other day..cuz had severe headaches..thought was migraine..which kinda was..the doctor said i m suffering from normal working adult syndrome..stress..anxiety and lack of sleep..and my eyes have been strained alot..yar..so i need to rest my eyes more he said..

act without him telling me that i need more sleep,i also know i need more sleep..i have been sleeping 4 hrs every single day..and sometimes i m juz so tired that i fall asleep in class without even knowing..and yest i was sleeping while writing halfway and almost fell off the chair..haha..
but oh well.there are SO much things to do..sigh..never ending stuff..and never ending tiredness..i wonder when will all these end man..when can i finally have my full rest..sigh..
i m so tired..i cant even think much nowadays...and i cant seem to rmb stuff..

as for my spiritual life..this period is kinda my summer period..spring has juz passed..summer..when it is dry..so u figure it out..yar..but i have been holding on..and persevering..but sometimes when i do all the worship stuff..it feels kinda routine..and juz duty..which is not what i want.i want to serve because i really love Him not because of duty..sigh.and also i m struggling with my inner thoughts abt stuff..even though boss and joel have encourage me greatly abt my doubts and fears..but sometimes these thoughts juz come back again..and then even now it is worse..cuz i was toking to Marcus the other day abt subcomm stuff..and somehow we drifted to me leading chapel that day..i din how this topic came up..but yeah..it did...Marcus told me some stuff..which was very shocking to me..and i realise i ws very sheltered..in terms of criticism..u noe on that day itself after i led chapel.i din hear any criticism at all.everybody was juz commenting positively.but after what i heard from Marcus..i really wanna know all these..Sonia pls tell me..thanks..and sudd..for the rest of the day..i cldnt concentrate in class..cuz Marcus told me that He cldnt feel the presence of the Lord..and also very detach..kinda in lay man terms..i m not leading the congregation into worshipping the Lord, it was more of myself singing..i was kinda discouraged..its not his fault..i think he is such a darling for telling me all these so that now i know my weakness and stuff..and he was encouraging me too.but i felt inadequate.and because chapel is so impt..i dun want to be a stumbling block to anybody..i really really want the presence of the Lord in the place..and i dun want me myself to feel it..but i want the rest too..sigh..somehow i really think i cant lead worship..sigh..

i m so tired..juz came back from sch..was studying chem..came back home..things are still the same..not much change..everytime i go home..my headaches juz get worse..sigh..

but gone are the days whereby i cry everyday..i feel crying will only just drain my energy even more..and cause me to have a more painful headache..i guess God is really trying to tell me sth thru this..and act i kinda understand what He is trying to bring out to me..
it boils down to the time whereby everything else must fade away and only God will be there looking at me with HIs wide open arms..

God is faithful..

2006-08-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

hello!
haha..actually i m rather tired..haha.
today was the first time i led chapel!! haha..at first i was really nervous.cuz even as i come to sch..i recieve pearl's msg saying that she ll be very late..then followed by david's one..then right after i sms david.allen called and said he woke up late..my heart seriously stopped for a moment..i m like..oh no..is it happening again..cuz i figure out that everytime i lead..some things will juz cropped up one..haha..and i was having sorethroat today also..but anyway nevertheless..they all came and we practise for a while..haha.
and then when it is time to lead..i got kind nervous..haha..and i said some wrong stuff like "invite u all to take your seats back" haha..it was hilarious..but other than that..it went fine.cuz God was really there..it was great..yar..so after a while i kinda calm down..ahha.and really the peace of God came upon me..yar..and i surrendered totally to Him and let Him take charge of leading..
after that.like after i said my devotions that time..every of my frend was like telling me abt my leading..and it really encourage me lar..haha.but alot of ppl say that i have a kiddish voice.the mike fault's lar..my voice is normal.haha.oh man..hhaa..
but it was fun leading.haha.got the experience..and at least i tried..andre..ur turn is next..haha..lol..

sorry

2006-08-03T06:19:00.000-07:00

i duno where to begin..it has been rather long since i updated..
firstly i will juz like to say sorry to all my frends..cuz i realise i have been sick for the past few weeks..i haven been smiling alot..i havent been giving attention to those who need..basically i was self centered..

firstly i wanna say sorry to this very good frend of mine,who almost has the same character as me..i duno whether she will ever read this but yar..i know she has been putting up with all my "dead" face..and also grumpy and sleepy mood..i know i haven been a good frend..giving her the attention that she wants and also have been neglecting her..cuz i have been interacting more with my cca frends.i juz wanna apologise to her.perhaps its too late..somehow recently i know that she is not happy being with me.and also i know she is starting to get irritated at me.for wad reasons..i still do not know yet..but somehow i felt that wadever i say seems to always make her annoyed..

secondly i wanna say sorry to pearleen and charmaine..somehow havent been catching up with u guys.sorry pearleen for forcing u to play during national day.sorry for making u stress..sorry for not being a good frend to u when u have been such a great frend to me..

thirdly i wanna say sorry to my comm.. sorry for having u guys to see my sick and tired look everyday..and having u guys to give attention to me cuz i m a sick person..sorry for the times whereby i get impatient and also juz easily irritated and stressed...causing u guys to get stressed too..

fourthly i wanna say sorry to the J2s..that i have been disturbing them during their studies..even though they din say it.but i felt i was distracting them by making so much noise and also asking them to teach me stuff..i promise to talk lesser..and also to study myself..

i wish i am not so attention seeking..i wish i am not so weak..i wish i am not so blur and slow..yar! i wish i am not so blur and slow!! i wish i am not so inefficient in doing hw..i wish i wish..bottom line- i dun like myself.ok.i know this is not edifying..but i cant help this way yar..i guess everybody have their low periods during their lives..

but thank God,He accepts me for who i m..

whee..

2006-07-25T06:58:00.002-07:00

haha..i finally came online to blog!haha
ok..i m still busy..so this is gonna be a short one..=)
haha.firstly i am gonna write about my handover..i always wanted to write on it..but found no time.haha..
Handover
okay..so i did cried during the handover while watching the video..i really really will miss them man..i mean..after the camp and also after my terms..God have really brought me closer to them.somehow.haha.while we study together..we know each other better.=)
they are all so so dear to me..and i still cant forget how on my birthday each and everyone of them came to accompanied me..pratically the whole day i was seeing them..and they really taught me quite some stuff..even though they might not know it..haha.oh well.i guess they werent be there early in the morning on mon to be there to set up all the stuff..so its just me and allen(pls dun get the wrong idea)..we have to be there yar..worship ic and logistic.haha.during the handover i somewhat felt weird..i mean it's our turn to step up and organise stuff???it's our turn to plan??it's our turn to run CF completely? honestly i m not prepared..anyway..the main point of this entry is that time really flies!! as i was looking at the video..so fast passion AC is over..followed by camp..followed by all the events that the J2 comm has planned...
anyway after that we were fellowshiping as usual..haha.then the guys decided to take some random shots..or shall i say MANY shots.oh man.i din noe CF guys are so obsessive with cameras!haha but oh well now i know..then they were taopok-ing boss n daddy..so hilarious..haha.and were making fun of me AS USUAL..haha.we had fun lar..=D
oh man..why do i feel closer to the J2 comm than the J1 comm.. =/ ok.nvm.change feeling.now must really bond with the rest of the J1 comm and J1s and we shall be sticky as honey and nuts bar for hamsters..ahha..

dreams?

2006-07-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

haha..nowadays all my dreams are so weird lar..they all involve the cf ppl..

oh my..can u believe it..haha..i had dreams of me..jasmine..and janene i think..and also caleb =/ and also joel..=/ wad are these two guys in my dream..we were shopping at a mall and then buying groceries at ntuc =/ ok..then i rmb doing sth..
haha.then i rmb i think i dreamt j1 comm too..haha.david me flor n gar..haha..i forgot where we were gg..haha..and then i also dreamt of me pao n kwek..we went shopping i think.haha..ok lar..weird dreams..haha..

sigh..cant help but feeling tired..u noe juz the emotion..haha..cant control it.haha.so lizhen will be quiet for a few days i guess..haha..

with the Lord behind me,whom shall i fear not even the devil!

2006-07-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

alright..i m back again.haha..
wasnt feeling well todae..but beta than yesterday though.haha.
had spiritual attacks..shall not descibe further..but yar..i was rather tired..or can say very tired todae..honestly..i kept tearing..im sorry..
when i went home from Trinity Christian Center..on the bus..tears juz started flowing..i duno why..so when i got down at my hse bus stop..i din went home immediately..i went to the multi-storey carpark next to my hse..went up the highest level which is 8th..hah..dun intepret wrongly..i din want to commit suicide.=/.haha.bcuz the highest level was open air..so i cld see the sky..and i cld juz feel the wind..and there was noone..so i was juz listening to my music on my iPod..at first i started crying as i toke to God..then slowly..as i dwelt myself in worship..somehow i felt this peace in me..and i found myself listening to "Unfailing Love" by Chris Tomlin.then after that was "Look to You"..by then i was jumping..haha..as i sing this song..haha..i think the neighbouring blocks whu are higher than 8th floor..if they noticed me for the whole time..they muz have thot i was crazy.haha.a girl whu was crying and looking as though she want to commit suicide cuz she is all alone on the multistorey carpark at such a weird timing..one moment later..she is "dancing"..ahah.lol.oh well..i use to go to the multi storey carparks when i m down.cuz firstly..i can see the sky and the clouds..and secondly..there is no one there..

aniwae indeed if God is behind me..whom shall i fear? even the devils are afraid of God..amen?!