mylife

dead passion

just kinda came back from shanghai a few days ago..oh my gosh..i will NEVER ever go shanghai again..its like gg there to be tortured instead of holidays..
firstly i got nightmare every single day!and then my phone got stolen from my pocket! plus i almost got knocked down on the road..and i got cheated!! and my lousy haircut...and i had like high fever..had to stay in the hotel one whole day la...rawrrr..china stuff cannot be trusted man...

got back..helped out in children church camp...felt like a stranger..dunno why..this distant feeling..i have grew up in that church for 18 years?and yet just bcuz i didnt go back for 2 mths..everything feels so foreign..i feel even smaller than i used to feel..the sudd overwhelming sense of loneliness...haha.i have been thinking alot recently..maybe that's why i always find it hard to sleep.haha.
i rmb i use to be a person who love responsibilities..thats why ppl always say i always have too many things on my plate that result my tiredness and stress..ahaha.but now..i really hate doing things..i really hate to take up responsibilities..i dunno why..maybe becuz im getting older.haha.reflecting on my past year..i wonder if i really have grown...many ppl said i have...i have perhaps grown more responsible..more concerning..quieter...better at leading worship now..but have i really grown spiritually..there was a period whereby i have really surrendered to God..a period whereby my faith was strong..a period whereby trusting God has become part of my ldaily ife..but yet why now..i feel so far away from God..actually this is the same old feeling im feeling exact 2 years ago..but this time round..my passion is gone as well..there is a part of me that wants to be just like any other youth in my church..why bother pushing myself so hard?why bother being passionate..i once believe that the fire in me can be seen by my fellow church frends..it can be spread to them..but now..it has been 4 years..i know 4 years is not long..i know many bible characters waited longer than that for God to fulfil his promise..but why am i tired...i cant even find the reason to be tired.
i bet this may be damn shocking to some ppl who are reading this..haha.the ex worship ic who used to be so passionate for God is backsliding..haha.even i cant believe it myself..being involved in ministry work for 2 whole years..every day of that 2 years is like being in full time ministry man..i thot i wld emerge stronger..but where did my passion go to in the end..where?i want to find it back myself..but my heart feels cold..

posted by HIS child @ 6:49 AM