mylife

to put my life right

i need to get my christian life right. NOW. sigh. when will it ever be like how i was. my first love, the burning passion. the desire to know Him more each day

posted by HIS child @ 12:24 PM 0 Comments

fallen too deep

its time to give up. NOW. let go now. knowing that i will get hurt in the end, i still let my heart out. silly girl, when will u learn ur lesson. didnt ur friend warn u, happy endings are not meant to be. you dont always get what you want. this is life.

posted by HIS child @ 1:28 PM 0 Comments

hmm

knowing that it wont work out, so wad the hell am i doing.

posted by HIS child @ 12:31 PM 0 Comments

EMO ELMO

TODAY WAS A BAD DAY =(( first i had diarrhea at 8.30am to like 9am. then i woke up late! i woke up at 11.20am!! and haflway thru the exams, i had diarrhea again :(( sighh. then i went out with ian and connie to town. emo-ed the whole way. dunno why also. sigh

lastly i met up with david. finally get to catch up with him. it was good. we talked alot abt our recent happenings and he made me think of some stuff i didnt really think abt.

but in the end i still emo-ed after that. wanted to drink with charlton they all, but decided not. decided to be a good girl. cuz tmr got church and i dun like the feeling of hangover. ah wells.

sigh. i once really wished that u were the ONE. but i guess i was wrong, God is obviously closing doors for me and show that you are not. sigh. how i wish u are. how i wish it is mutual. oh wells.

posted by HIS child @ 10:32 AM 0 Comments

rawr

RAWR. sums it all.

posted by HIS child @ 10:34 AM 0 Comments

people do change

merrr. dunno why. felt melancholic today. finally realise people do change. which sucks
i miss AC. i hate politics, hierarchy and whatever shit. even i felt myself changing. not daring enough to remain as who i was. rawr. nvm. life is like that. move on. i must start hanging out with more of my ac friendss. i miss them. they are always that ever ready to accept me and hear me out.

i was talking to a good friend today during dinner. felt sad that even my good friend thinks he will nv like me cuz im simply not good enough for him. even though she didnt explicitly say it out, but i could sense and infer it. sigh. sadness to the max

i need you lord more than ever. praying for grace and mercy.

posted by HIS child @ 9:42 AM 0 Comments

fire fall down

went to andy's church today. felt the service was good. its been a long time since i have been to a service that touched my heart. all the while i kept asking God if my heart is hardened becuz everytime i attend worship in my church, it has just become a singing session. but worship is not like that. their pastor is super funky. and wad he preached spoke to me.

i felt this inner voice saying, "its been a long time, lizhen. you know ur calling is to lead worship and its been a long time since u last led. and u didnt lead not cuz u cant or have no time but rather, u are escaping. you dun want to go thru the same pain u went thru. the disappointments. but God is God. u have to be willing to let Him use you and see miracles happen. what happen to the promise u made to God 5 years ago. you said u will go to the ends of the earth for him. so why are u giving up now" omg. then i started crying. felt i have stray so far away. from the passion i once had. the fire that everyone could see in me then was no longer burning now. my eyes no longer sparkle when i talk abt worship.

i have been blaming myself for the pride i had that caused my downfall and astray. but today God told me to stop blaming myself. my most sincere prayer is to break this pride. im sick and tired of putting up this front and pretend to be all righteous and holy. just becuz i was a worship leader. just becuz everyone knew me as the girl who was in the christian fellowship comm and the one who led chapel in ac. no no no. leaders have their weakness too. sigh. but i dunno how to show it. i so badly want to tell someone that i need support, i need their concern but i just cant bring myself to do without having people to judge me. i dun want them to see me as an unworthy leader. then next time, when they have troubles, they wun come approach me. u get wad i mean.

and i have been praying for ur face to disappear out of my mind. seriously. i tell God, "this is really distracting and if Satan is using it to tempt me and if these thoughts are not of Yours, please take it away from me. If it's not Your will, i gladly accept it and Lord, please harden my heart so that i wont like him." now, everytime i see him, i felt my heart beating faster. this is crazy. i dun like this kind of feeling. when i feel there are some girls in his life that he is closer to, my heart is filled with jealousy and sadness.. no no no. God please help me. if he is not the One, take these feelings away. somehow. i dont want to waste my singleness chasing sth after that is not in Your will.. murrr

ok. back to mugging. my heart feels happier (except for him). the feeling of going back to the house of God just feels good. and i want that to last forever :))

posted by HIS child @ 6:45 AM 0 Comments