mylife

fire fall down

went to andy's church today. felt the service was good. its been a long time since i have been to a service that touched my heart. all the while i kept asking God if my heart is hardened becuz everytime i attend worship in my church, it has just become a singing session. but worship is not like that. their pastor is super funky. and wad he preached spoke to me.

i felt this inner voice saying, "its been a long time, lizhen. you know ur calling is to lead worship and its been a long time since u last led. and u didnt lead not cuz u cant or have no time but rather, u are escaping. you dun want to go thru the same pain u went thru. the disappointments. but God is God. u have to be willing to let Him use you and see miracles happen. what happen to the promise u made to God 5 years ago. you said u will go to the ends of the earth for him. so why are u giving up now" omg. then i started crying. felt i have stray so far away. from the passion i once had. the fire that everyone could see in me then was no longer burning now. my eyes no longer sparkle when i talk abt worship.

i have been blaming myself for the pride i had that caused my downfall and astray. but today God told me to stop blaming myself. my most sincere prayer is to break this pride. im sick and tired of putting up this front and pretend to be all righteous and holy. just becuz i was a worship leader. just becuz everyone knew me as the girl who was in the christian fellowship comm and the one who led chapel in ac. no no no. leaders have their weakness too. sigh. but i dunno how to show it. i so badly want to tell someone that i need support, i need their concern but i just cant bring myself to do without having people to judge me. i dun want them to see me as an unworthy leader. then next time, when they have troubles, they wun come approach me. u get wad i mean.

and i have been praying for ur face to disappear out of my mind. seriously. i tell God, "this is really distracting and if Satan is using it to tempt me and if these thoughts are not of Yours, please take it away from me. If it's not Your will, i gladly accept it and Lord, please harden my heart so that i wont like him." now, everytime i see him, i felt my heart beating faster. this is crazy. i dun like this kind of feeling. when i feel there are some girls in his life that he is closer to, my heart is filled with jealousy and sadness.. no no no. God please help me. if he is not the One, take these feelings away. somehow. i dont want to waste my singleness chasing sth after that is not in Your will.. murrr

ok. back to mugging. my heart feels happier (except for him). the feeling of going back to the house of God just feels good. and i want that to last forever :))

posted by HIS child @ 6:45 AM