mylife

fallen

well..i have been scanning thru my past entries...
and realise most of the entries are abt God
those feelings then were so unfamiliar to me now..
honestly..i have been feeling terrible..have been self-centered,have been avoiding frends, have been lying to almost everyone whu ask "how are you"..cuz i really duno how to say that i m not okay..
todae, i was late for church purposey cuz i couldnt bring myself to worship Him..even as i went for prayer meeting on fri..i din really attended it at all..halfway thru i went out..cuz i felt too ashamed,i felt like a hypocrite..
i have disappointed God so much that i really cannot forgive myself..everytime i sing praises,guilt will overwhelmed me..cuz after all i duno if i have loved Him anot..honestly for the past few weeks i dun even do my devotions and it has been long since the last time i really prayed to Him..i really dunno if God is still with me anot..

todae as i was deciding to quit being in the music ministry and opted out of organising this year youth camp..it was really hard..i knew if i made all these decision i definitely will not turn back..so i got myself excused of having duties for the next few weeks...
i knew that this year was an impt year for me..cuz this year i m organising the youth camp and finally my church decided to focus on our worship..which confirms he vision/dream God has given me..but again..as i thot of the vision He has given me..somehow i wished that He nv had given me that..it was that vision which got me so on fire.it was that vision which made me wanna go music min.it was that vision which gave me the passion and hope to revive my church.it was also that vision which made me prideful.and now as i think back..i really dunno if i was trying to edify God with wad i was doing all along or am i only trying to fulfil my own dream and edifying myself..i really dunno..all i noe is God chose the wrong person to fulfill such a big task..He think too highly of me..even as i really wish to become a worship leader,i dun have the ability to..i cant avoid the feeling of afraiding my voice will go wrong or the fear of me singing too soft and in the end my focus is not even on God alone..a part of me wants to give up,a part of me hurts to see God letting go of me and saying that i cannot make it..honestly i feel so messed up now..i duno how to espress this feeling..so wadeva i typed above..those whu cant understand..it's okay..cuz prob i myself dun understand wad am i toking abt..

is it really true that wadeva i think of is always oppposite frm reality..it always happen to me..i use to think that after O level i will do many things..i use to think that i will take part in the youth camp..i use to think of me going up to Pastor Siow Hwee and telling him that i want to be the worship leader for the youth camp...i use to think that i will tell the music ministry my vision so as to encourage them..i use to think that i will see God when i die..i use to think that i can point ppl to Christ..

but now all these "thinkings" seem impossible..and truly wadeva i think always appear opposite in reality...

and i fallen so deep that i cant get up...during the prayer meeting,i saw God's disappointed and sad face as i turned away from Him..even as part of me wants to get up and follow Him,the other part of me keeps pulling me back..

and before i know..i have lost my eternity...and my dreams and my hopes....

posted by HIS child @ 6:21 AM