when will this end?
haiz..nowadays i have been SUPER lazy...i sleep non stop larh..i juz slept my whole sat aftrenoon away!!i woke up at 9am and took an afternoon nap frm 2pm to 7.30pm larh!!!! argh..i becoming like pig liow..haiz.. i think i m trying to use sleeping to ease my pain..i really duno..nowadays i juz feel like sleeping..i one day need at least 12 hrs of sleep..haha...when i sleep i dun think..so i wun feel messy...and whenever i think my head juz starts to pain..so i my as well sleep..only when i sleep,i dun feel a thing..
hmm..i went for fri spiritual emphasis..din expect myself to go too..i change my mind when i was sitting on the train back home..yupp..honestly..i cant say i feel much better after the toke..but i felt abit better and i think God showed me sth..i saw myself lying on the long stretch of road..is like on this endless path..i was torn and tattered n broken n dirty...God came to me(and as He come to me,there is like a strong light shining my path) and open his arms and said to me"Come to me"..He din say it in any reprimanding voice or wadeva..but He said it in such gentle voice and with such gentle facial expression...but i juz duno why i cant get up and go to Him..i juz stared at Him..then i din see anything liow..
all the while i kept asking God,"are You willing to take me back", "God,do u still love me", " or are You done with me yet,pls i hope not"..i dunno if i cld walk back the same again..i juz feel so messy...i noe God will forgive me as long as i repent..but i dunno wad is pulling me back..izit the fact that i cant forgive myself or it is so hard for me to open up once i have close myself away frm God and harden my heart...i dunno..
my heart and head juz hurts whenever i think...i noe i havent been a good testimony..to be exact,i was in fact rebelling against God for all the things i have done..those flowery vocab in my mind..whenevr i m angry, that four letter word will juz appear in my mind,tempting me to say it out..and i use to hate ppl(guys or girls) saying vulgarities..i really cant stand it..even like wad lau eh..i will also cringed at that word..but now is like i have gone so bad to the extent of wanting to say the four letter word..i feel soo sinful..arghh..
and todae i openly say to my church mates i pon lectures and all those..someone said"wah, set wad a good example
!" in a sarcastic tone of course..it struck me...i noe that ponning lectures are really not right..yet instead of feeling asham, i openly said i did it..as though it is sth to be proud of..and not only me myself pon lecture,i even influence and persuade others to pon with me..i felt really bad..where has my conscience goes to..why do i do all these..i noe they will hurt God..i noe God will be displease to see me doing all these..but i juz cant stop myself frm doing all these..argh..i feel like a downright sinner...
and during the seniors youth discussion..we were discussing abt talents and strength...ever since mths, i forgot wad are my strengths liow..i din even noe i have strengths..do i have..if i have, someone plz kindly tell me..
i want to get out..but i cant..it's so hard..even i feel better..i still feel stuck..i m like stuck in between being a non christian n a christian..and the feeling sucks..
posted by HIS child @ 6:31 AM
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