the worst i ever felt
firstly..i m going to say i m starting to love NYJC...oh no..but it is like so far away frm my hse..if it was nearer i wld dfinitely go there..DEFINITELY...even though the teaching there super slow..but then NYJC has the nicest ppl..maybe not coolest but definitely the nicest! the seniors are so nice and easy to toke to..and those same batch as me one..i can get along well with them..and within a mth, i made so many fwends...i nv ever made so many fwends within such a period of time..NYJC juz rocks man..haiz..i use to set my heart firmly on ACJC..but now i m starting to afraid wad if i dun fit into that school..i dunno..i m kinda scared..i think God put me in NY muz have a purpose..btw..NYJC sounds like a very cheena sch but it is not..and it has super a lot of shuai ge n mei nu..everywhere u walk..u will definitely see one..but is kinda of distracting though..to see so many eyecandy...
JC life is so different frm my sec sch life..haiz..nowadays i so easily will have a crush on sum guy liow..which i find myself so fickle and sum sort of becoming desperate..i hate it lorh..but i juz cant suppress the feeling of crush on somebody..arghh..i told myself i m soo not gg to do anything wif guys yet i cant stop myself frm crushing on someone...this is so annoying and distressing..maybe that's bcuz nanyang got a lot of shuai ge..oh man..plz get me into a sch where there is no shuai ge..like RV..haha..so that i wun get distracted..but i m gg to ACJC..haiz..how i wish i was back to the past when i only like a guy after knowing him very well and i wun so easily crush on somebody...valentine day is cuming..i wld be celebrating it alone like any other years.(normally i will treat it like a normal day)..at most i only give sweets or bake cookies to give my frends..but this year somehow i wish that there will be someone that will celebrate with me..haiz..nvm..i shall go out on that day with all my frends..
arghh...my parents have become more and more annoying..they keep complaining that after i went into JC, i have become more rebellious..which is not true..i m the same as b4..juz that i come home late for most of the days..bcuz my cca ends at 7pm or my lessons in JC ends very late..and it takes 0ne hr for me to get home..sometimes even more....when i give them this reason why i got home so late they will say why in the first place choose NYJC??----becuz i cant get into ACJC with my results?and that NYJC is the best choice i can have?and bcuz they want me to go into JC for first three mths instead of working..now they are blaming me?? why cant they understand i m already so tired liow..how i wish they wld stop nagging and screaming at me..it really hurts when they dun understand and i really broke down.there are so many other troubles in my heart..why are they driving me to desperation..this is like the worst period of my entire life...juz when i got abit better,i got worst than ever..the pain inside is so pain that i feel that dying might be less painful..but of course i m not suicidal..wad a good starting of living a JC life..
i totally hate myself now..totally... i have no idea wad i m becoming..i juz noe that i m drifting further and further away frm my old self..i m so unlike frm my oldself whu is optimistic,always full of hope n genuinely happy...no matter how tough the situation is,i will overcome it with faith..but now...i m always in depression..getting more concern abt worldly stuff instead of God..and the thing is i cant help it myself...esp when i m spiritually so weak..
todae i went for christian fellowship gathering..i was surprise that there were so few ppl..and kinda disappointed...arghh..i dun even evangelise now..fearing that they might dislike me..and find me annoying..where has the place of God go to?i dun dare to face Him now after all the things i have done..now i noe why they say when you close urself away frm God,it is so hard to open up again..my heart is as cold and hard as a rock now...and i dunno how to soften it..
lastly, i decided to quit being in the music ministry for a period of time..the reasons are
firstly, my voice CMI (cannot make it)..it sucks lorh..(that's the main reason)
secondly, i want to think over wad i m gg to do..
thirdly, i really cannot make it even as a vocalist..
yupp...so i will MIA for a while to think thru...dun worry abt me.i will be back.. =)
after reading this..i noe u muz be thinking i have a very low self esteem..yesh..that's bcuz i dun love myself and i duno how to love myself..haiz..and the past made me into wad i m now..they keep haunting me..i cant forget them..even as i can forgive the ppl..i cant forget..
posted by HIS child @ 6:12 AM
1 Comments:
OH MY!!! Huimin here.. cant believe so ciao tt i read until ur blog!! haha.. kkz.. erm.. my mum aso like ur parents.. make new friends in jc of coz must socialize a bit rite.. she nag & nag.. now i wana go work she also worry... haha... parents like tt.. but u good lah.. u oldest so parents less worry mah.. like my mum.. i wana go pool she dun let... my bro go pool then she let.. i hate being e youngest!! yah.. dun give urself too much stress lah.. u sing quite well.. really.. not anybody cant serve music min de... dun listen to ur bro... kkz.. result cuming out soon.. we must reali enjoy ourselve ok??!! haha.. valentine no date?? if i didnt get my job u'll b dead.. coz i will surely pull u out to shop w me until siao!!
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