mylife

getting worse..

sigh.past few days haven been good...
i realise everything start to plunge down after June holidays..and i dun understand why..haiz..
after June holidays..i practically get sick everyday..i kinda miss the healthy me when i was in my sec sch..at that time i was super healthy and act played sports quite often..but now..haiz..everything juz seems so different..

now i juz realise i have juz developed a phobia for worship..haha..and ironically i m the worship IC..hhaa..im juz so afraid of leading worship now..and reallly..i think i m juz going to schedule the everyody else except me..i cant help pondering abt yest..i dun understand.i dun understand why whenever i lead in AC i cant seem to sing..i use to be able to..i cld sing most songs..but now it juz seems i cant anymore..and moreover i feel that i juz cant lead..i m not good at leading lar..one thing i dun understand and it hurt me the most was i dun understand why when my heart really wanted to lead ppl into worshipping Him and i juz wanna bless people and i juz wanted to see God glorified in the place..but yet everytime when i lead it seems that ppl juz cant feel His presence and whenever i lead..the worship always go wrong..i dun understand why..all i want is juz to see people worshipping Him wholeheartedly..i duno whether izit there are still sins in my heart that i have yet to confess and thus they are hindering me in my worship leading or it is juz simply that after all one whole big round..i m not called to be a worship leader..haha...talk abt me knowing and so sure that my calling is to be a worship leader..hhaa..
sorry char..even ater talking to u..and u giving me advice..i cant help but feel this way..

today was ok..gave up half way when i was doing my econs test even though it was super easy..but i was super tired..and thus i din even noe what i was writing..ahaha..and then spent my break with my seniors..haha..they keep bullying me!!haha..but they kinda make my day happier.haha

but when i m back to alone..everything juz resumes back to normal..i noe my inside is still not right..i noe its still wounded..i know it is not easy to get happy and totally juz cheerful as i was..
but u now wad..i m trying..but sometimes i feel that i m juz putting up a false front in front of ppl..i guess i may be better...cuz i noe my sadness may affect ppl..cuz i find other ppl mood affecting me sometimes too..

i dread gg to sch(all because of PW and the tons of hw and tests)..i dread staying at home(because..oh well..)..and i even dread going to church..not dreading abt the part when i worship Him..but rather the part whereby i need to start planning games already..and also..i feel that whenever i step into my church..i feel like i m stepping into a battlefield battling against the devil..cuz whenever i will always have this feeling of needing to do sth to help the church.i mean thats what God made me stayed for..but i guess it gets tired when one always give instead of recieve..i m so sorry to say..but the church is not helping me to grow spiritually..i m juz not suited for the church lar..i m not criticising the church but the truth is my spiritual growth doesnt come from the church..but rather it is from outside..like CF..and last time was my sec sch frends and EL..because firstly..sad to say..i never shared any spiritual problems with any of my church frends.because they wun understand..and i noe they wun understand bcuz i shared before..i juz feel so alone in the church..i feel i m juz struggling alone..and sometimes i juz wanna give up..but whenever i want to give up.God reminded me of what He wanted me to do in the church..and sometimes i feel i m over-estimating myself..i m juz like a small character in the church..what make me think i can help in church growth?i duno also..but sometimes i feel i m juz too prideful..arghh..i duno how to express how i feel in words..nvm..
sigh..

posted by HIS child @ 7:52 AM