mylife

sigh..

past week has been good for me..i mean i m so glad i m out of critical depression..and my frends noticed that i m more cheerful too..heh..haha
until now..sigh..i mean i m no longer in depression..but sth are juz tearing my heart apart..seriously.literally i can feel the pain..
why cant she understand..u noe wad..i gave up..i seriously cant find any love..i duno how to express myself in words..all i can say is that i m glad that i din say words that will hurt her..after all it is not glorifying to God..but u noe.i have been juz tolerating and enduring..i cant take it any longer..i cant..this hurts me so much that i feel it will juz bring me back to depression again..
i m hurting so much inside..sometimes i wish i cld juz cry onto someone's shoulder(dun get me wrong.need not be a guy.haha) i mean i juz need someone there u see..
but the thing is i dun want to burden anyone..i dun want them to be upset over me..i really dont want..anyway everybody have their own problems..it is not fair to them if i add on to their burden..
when i was juz hurting so much juz now..i was really tempted to call ppl..first person was melodie..cuz she said she will always be there for me when i needed someone.but then i realise i duno wad to say..i juz needed someone there..even on the phone..so i know i m not alone..but nah..i thot it was awkward.then janene is back in Malaysia..prob enjoying her time spent with her family.dun want to disturb her..pearleen has got enough problems herself..the J2 seniors are enjoying their time at Michelle hse..the J1 comm ppl most of them are facing their own problems..and some of them juz got getter..and in the first place i feel i m not even close to most of them.i m sorry to say that i wish the comm ppl can show more love..but i m not blaming them cuz i know i myself need to be more sensitive to ppl..i have been way too self centered..wanting..i duno..i m juz scared that she will cut my conversation halfway cuz i cant help but feeling awkward when that time she cuts my conversation at the bus stop halfway when i was juz pouring out everything..and she juz left me halfway to board her bus..i m so sorry..but i cant help but feeling a little hurt at that time..and then paula..i duno..i saw her today and she look so happy.i dun want to make her upset..

sigh..some ppl say i know alot of frends in school..oh well.which is true..i know quite alot of ppl..but sometimes at time like this..i feel that i hardly have any frends..i feel super lonely..sometimes i wish ppl will juz noe wad is gg on in my life..i mean during my depression..when i m suffering from critical depression..i wish i dun have to say that i m not ok..i wish that someone will juz noticed it..esp my closer frends..but of course i cant blame them if they dun know cuz all along in school i feel i m juz putting up a brave front..who knows what i m gg thru..except God..ahah..i tried to act normal..i find it so hard to act in front of my frends..esp my seniors..but i knew i had to..i cant let my mood affect them..they were gg thru their prelims..but a part of me felt like a hypocrite..i felt i was decieving them..

but i know i can survive with God's love alone.and his grace and mercy.for when i m weak i m strong becuz His strength is made perfect in my weakness.and thus i will not asham abt my weakness but rather boast of it..

posted by HIS child @ 7:09 AM