mylife

i m becoming a pig!!

haiz..i feel so lazy nowadays.i m lyk back to my slumber mode..i sleep at least 12 hrs a day!!hardly study at allkinda worried i cant catch up after 1st three mths.but whenever i want to study,i will have headache and immediately feeli like sleeping.but then i really want to study cuz i havent been studying for 3 mths liow!!!and i nv really luisten in class plus i forgot most of my sec 3 and sec 4 stuff..feeling kinda helpless.mind is willing but body doesnt allows it..i duno.nowadays i keep having constant headaches.sleeping is my best solution n cure.
by sleeping,i numb my pain and escapes frm reality.by sleeping,i do not need to think.honestly i wish i cld sleep forever and never wake up..haiz..but then i believe there are things that i need to do..i muz not be so lazy!!

yesterday i was still pondering if i shld go poly instead of jc.i feel thta i m not the type to study.my memory is really very bad.when i study,i cld literally feel that the words gg inside my brain are cuming out.my mind no loger can think and function well already.haiz.i feel so stupid and helpless.my mum always scold me for not concentrating well enough that's why i get such " bad results".but dont she knows that her daughter really has a bad memory.even if i tell her so,she will say i m using it as an excuse.honestly,i felt that my results cld have been beta but it doesnt mean it is bad..i mean my cut off pts might get me into tjc this shows that it not really that bad..aniwae i felt that i have done my best.she thinks i m a know-it-all person.but i m not.i m not as smart as she thinks i m..
haiz.. and then todae i went church.i sudd felt so wrong there.i felt like i dun fit in.ever since last eyar,i have always been trying so hard to fit in but somehow i m juz in a diff frequency from the rest of them.i feel so tired.once again,the temptation of leaving is coming back again.the temptation of withdrawing frm church camp.the temptation of changing church is so strong and hard to fight back.in my mind,a voice keep saying"they dun even noe u'r down.they dun even care if u are gone"then the words of "eternal life assembly will always welcome me back" is so tempting..to change frm a presbyterian to a charismatic church..but the thing is i din tell them i was down.we humans are like that,we dun show and tell others how we feel ,we expect them to know.and sometimes we try so hard to cover up and not let others noe.but still deep down inside we are hoping that they will noe.complicate huh?thats why blog is so popular cuz thru blogs,ppl will get to noe the real feeling of the person.and only thru blogs,ppl will tell out their true feelings.
haiz..trying to studyfor econs test..but failed..feel lyk sleeping again..=/
why do i always have to struggle with my inner self..why do i always have to fight with the evil thots in my mind.am i really that evil?how cum i feel that the old Lizhen has died long ago..i do not care abt others.i do not love now.i now have become so cynical.i have become so self centered..what left of me is a cold and hardened heart.i feel that even my close frends are drifting away frm me now..what exactly have i bcome?nowadays,when i hang out with my christian frends i feel so awkward.even when i hang out with my best frends,i feel awkward.maybe izit becuz i m not the christian i use to be.and when i hang out with my other frends i feel lyk i m trying to escape frm reality.i have been avoiding both kind of frends.or even when now i feel bored,i dun even noe whu to look for.or when i study..i duno whu to find.haiz..if turn were able to turn back,i rather be studying for Os..yupp..but life goes on..



u once said if i have got any problems,u will try ur best to help me.but now when i try to toke to u,u seem so reluctant to toke to me.whenever u called or sms me..it is always not abt me but always concern abt someone else.honestly i m not jealous.i m really not jealous.but i wish u cld at least show sum concern for me.perhaps u got problems of ur own..i duno.cuz we havent been toking for a long time already....

posted by HIS child @ 5:58 AM