Saturday, December 29, 2007

youth camp

haha.there are so many things that i haven update abt!haha.lets start with youth camp..youth camp was quite good this year...but somehow it just feels different...maybe becuz last year it was my cell who organise..then my group members are all so young..i feel so old there like the oldest in my group!besides linsheng...haha..then i realise its time for us to take responsibility and take care of the young fast!i was just telling huimin..dunno why i started not to like taking responsibilities...started not to like taking leading is so unlike me...i rmb i use to like all these...maybe becuz i had my fair share of leading experience in just back to my lazy mode la.haha.anyway my group was quite funny..the two little boys,paul and daniel..though they are like so naughty...but they are also very cute..brought alot of joy to my heart seeing them..haha.i was looking after them as though they were my little brothers la.hahaa.things were pretty much the same when i left..dunno whether if its good or not..but was glad to see that a few of the worship leaders really improve quite alot..and some of the younger ones become more mature...its really quite heartwarming to see that those young ones grow up...but at the same time i feel old.ahaha.a part of me really want to stay while a part of me says this is not the family for me...cuz after all i am on different frequency with them..i quite said a lie..i told them that the bonds are still there even i left for 3 mths..but i was thinking..those bonds were nv there..the only friends im close with are perhaps huimin and huiting...and my cell?dunno..
im like super confuse right now..i know i still care for my so happy with all the changes the worship min is undergoing thru..all the jamming sessions(FINALLY!)haha.but a part of me is just so tired and tell myself i wun be there to enjoy the feeling of joy when things are finally different..rawrrr...i really dunno.i think my greatest obstruction for me to stay is the frends there.AHH.and that is SO HARD to change.cuz we are really on very different frequency..and the clicks are there for so long.thus very hard to break thru....sighhh

Sunday, December 16, 2007

dead passion

just kinda came back from shanghai a few days ago..oh my gosh..i will NEVER ever go shanghai again..its like gg there to be tortured instead of holidays..
firstly i got nightmare every single day!and then my phone got stolen from my pocket! plus i almost got knocked down on the road..and i got cheated!! and my lousy haircut...and i had like high fever..had to stay in the hotel one whole day la...rawrrr..china stuff cannot be trusted man...

got back..helped out in children church camp...felt like a stranger..dunno why..this distant feeling..i have grew up in that church for 18 years?and yet just bcuz i didnt go back for 2 mths..everything feels so foreign..i feel even smaller than i used to feel..the sudd overwhelming sense of loneliness...haha.i have been thinking alot recently..maybe that's why i always find it hard to sleep.haha.
i rmb i use to be a person who love responsibilities..thats why ppl always say i always have too many things on my plate that result my tiredness and stress..ahaha.but now..i really hate doing things..i really hate to take up responsibilities..i dunno why..maybe becuz im getting older.haha.reflecting on my past year..i wonder if i really have grown...many ppl said i have...i have perhaps grown more responsible..more concerning..quieter...better at leading worship now..but have i really grown spiritually..there was a period whereby i have really surrendered to God..a period whereby my faith was strong..a period whereby trusting God has become part of my ldaily ife..but yet why now..i feel so far away from God..actually this is the same old feeling im feeling exact 2 years ago..but this time passion is gone as well..there is a part of me that wants to be just like any other youth in my church..why bother pushing myself so hard?why bother being passionate..i once believe that the fire in me can be seen by my fellow church can be spread to them..but has been 4 years..i know 4 years is not long..i know many bible characters waited longer than that for God to fulfil his promise..but why am i tired...i cant even find the reason to be tired.
i bet this may be damn shocking to some ppl who are reading this..haha.the ex worship ic who used to be so passionate for God is backsliding..haha.even i cant believe it myself..being involved in ministry work for 2 whole years..every day of that 2 years is like being in full time ministry man..i thot i wld emerge stronger..but where did my passion go to in the end..where?i want to find it back myself..but my heart feels cold..

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


yest was seniors' night.woah.time really flies man.the last time seeing so many ACSians together..the next time i will see them is prob march?haha.will miss ACJC man.took so many photos.not gg to upload here.prob gonna upload at facebook.
then went for post prom.was ok crowded.not really use to clubbing i guess.i dun understand how ppl can dance all night in there.drank abit.then i did one retarded thing.i mistook this alcholic drink for non tasted like tea i got tipsy in the end.but not drunk i guess.yupp.
after yest..i realise how my life is in a mess.i dunno.i dun even know who i truly am.i dun even know what is happening inside my brain.i guess the same thing is happening all over again just like wad happened in sec4.sighhh.wad the heck.the next thing i know is that i may start to begin to backslide.i cant even believe it myself..nononono! i must get a grip of myself.i will nv allow myself to backslide.after wad i have gone thru with God for the past 2 years!..i wun let it happen.i wont.nonono.
i feel retarded talking to myself.haha