the worst i ever felt
firstly..i m going to say i m starting to love NYJC...oh no..but it is like so far away frm my hse..if it was nearer i wld dfinitely go there..DEFINITELY...even though the teaching there super slow..but then NYJC has the nicest ppl..maybe not coolest but definitely the nicest! the seniors are so nice and easy to toke to..and those same batch as me one..i can get along well with them..and within a mth, i made so many fwends...i nv ever made so many fwends within such a period of time..NYJC juz rocks man..haiz..i use to set my heart firmly on ACJC..but now i m starting to afraid wad if i dun fit into that school..i dunno..i m kinda scared..i think God put me in NY muz have a purpose..
btw..NYJC sounds like a very cheena sch but it is not..and it has super a lot of shuai ge n mei nu..everywhere u walk..u will definitely see one..but is kinda of distracting though..to see so many eyecandy...
JC life is so different frm my sec sch life..haiz..nowadays i so easily will have a crush on sum guy liow..which i find myself so fickle and sum sort of becoming desperate..i hate it lorh..but i juz cant suppress the feeling of crush on somebody..arghh..i told myself i m soo not gg to do anything wif guys yet i cant stop myself frm crushing on someone...this is so annoying and distressing..maybe that's bcuz nanyang got a lot of shuai ge..oh man..plz get me into a sch where there is no shuai ge..like RV..haha..so that i wun get distracted..but i m gg to ACJC..haiz..how i wish i was back to the past when i only like a guy after knowing him very well and i wun so easily crush on somebody...valentine day is cuming..i wld be celebrating it alone like any other years.(normally i will treat it like a normal day)..at most i only give sweets or bake cookies to give my frends..but this year somehow i wish that there will be someone that will celebrate with me..haiz..nvm..i shall go out on that day with all my frends..
arghh...my parents have become more and more annoying..they keep complaining that after i went into JC, i have become more rebellious..which is not true..i m the same as b4..juz that i come home late for most of the days..bcuz my cca ends at 7pm or my lessons in JC ends very late..and it takes 0ne hr for me to get home..sometimes even more....when i give them this reason why i got home so late they will say why in the first place choose NYJC??----becuz i cant get into ACJC with my results?and that NYJC is the best choice i can have?and bcuz they want me to go into JC for first three mths instead of working..now they are blaming me?? why cant they understand i m already so tired liow..how i wish they wld stop nagging and screaming at me..it really hurts when they dun understand and i really broke down.there are so many other troubles in my heart..why are they driving me to desperation..this is like the worst period of my entire life...juz when i got abit better,i got worst than ever..the pain inside is so pain that i feel that dying might be less painful..but of course i m not suicidal..wad a good starting of living a JC life..
i totally hate myself now..totally... i have no idea wad i m becoming..i juz noe that i m drifting further and further away frm my old self..i m so unlike frm my oldself whu is optimistic,always full of hope n genuinely happy...no matter how tough the situation is,i will overcome it with faith..but now...i m always in depression..getting more concern abt worldly stuff instead of God..and the thing is i cant help it myself...esp when i m spiritually so weak..
todae i went for christian fellowship gathering..i was surprise that there were so few ppl..and kinda disappointed...arghh..i dun even evangelise now..fearing that they might dislike me..and find me annoying..where has the place of God go to?i dun dare to face Him now after all the things i have done..now i noe why they say when you close urself away frm God,it is so hard to open up again..my heart is as cold and hard as a rock now...and i dunno how to soften it..
lastly, i decided to quit being in the music ministry for a period of time..the reasons are
firstly, my voice CMI (cannot make it)..it sucks lorh..(that's the main reason)
secondly, i want to think over wad i m gg to do..
thirdly, i really cannot make it even as a vocalist..
yupp...so i will MIA for a while to think thru...dun worry abt me.i will be back.. =)
after reading this..i noe u muz be thinking i have a very low self esteem..yesh..that's bcuz i dun love myself and i duno how to love myself..haiz..and the past made me into wad i m now..they keep haunting me..i cant forget them..even as i can forgive the ppl..i cant forget..
better
WOAH! i feel better todae..feel happier..and lighter..God muz have really answered my prayers..i prayed that i wun be lazy and i wun feel messy...and todae morn when i woke up,i felt a sense of peace in my heart...i feel better than the other days..ah..maybe yest was the first time i act toke to God ever since weeks ago..
yupp..but aniwae todae i din sleep during any of the breaks..and dun believe go ask all my frends..they will surely say i look more energetic todae!haha..i was actually trying to study econs lorh!!!haha..but still bcuz i slept at 1.30am yest..i feel rather tired at the end of the day..so i slept thru GP lecture..cuz it was REALLY boring..haha..
then we went to warehse(me,bel n song) to see our class jersey..haha..
and after that i went to shop for my new year clothes..can u all believe that i still havent bought my CNY clothes!!hhaa...but then Junction 8 nth much so din buy anithing..haha
then after that went home and sudd feel like baking..so i baked bluberry muffins..the first batch was like so nice.then the second batch was like shit..duno wad went worng..normally ppl is first batch like shit..second batch very nice..mine is the opposite..oh my..haha..but anyway this is like the first time i make blueberry muffins so..cant blame me yarh..haha...
haha..aniwae i realise nowadays i very blur lorh!!duno why..everybody start calling me blur queen liow..haha...i m not blur!!i m smart..and my mind is not functioning well nowadays..that's well..ahha..
when will this end?
haiz..nowadays i have been SUPER lazy...i sleep non stop larh..i juz slept my whole sat aftrenoon away!!i woke up at 9am and took an afternoon nap frm 2pm to 7.30pm larh!!!! argh..i becoming like pig liow..
haiz.. i think i m trying to use sleeping to ease my pain..i really duno..nowadays i juz feel like sleeping..i one day need at least 12 hrs of sleep..haha...when i sleep i dun think..so i wun feel messy...and whenever i think my head juz starts to pain..so i my as well sleep..only when i sleep,i dun feel a thing..
hmm..i went for fri spiritual emphasis..din expect myself to go too..i change my mind when i was sitting on the train back home..yupp..honestly..i cant say i feel much better after the toke..but i felt abit better and i think God showed me sth..i saw myself lying on the long stretch of road..is like on this endless path..i was torn and tattered n broken n dirty...God came to me(and as He come to me,there is like a strong light shining my path) and open his arms and said to me"Come to me"..He din say it in any reprimanding voice or wadeva..but He said it in such gentle voice and with such gentle facial expression...but i juz duno why i cant get up and go to Him..i juz stared at Him..then i din see anything liow..
all the while i kept asking God,"are You willing to take me back", "God,do u still love me", " or are You done with me yet,pls i hope not"..i dunno if i cld walk back the same again..i juz feel so messy...i noe God will forgive me as long as i repent..but i dunno wad is pulling me back..izit the fact that i cant forgive myself or it is so hard for me to open up once i have close myself away frm God and harden my heart...i dunno..
my heart and head juz hurts whenever i think...i noe i havent been a good testimony..to be exact,i was in fact rebelling against God for all the things i have done..those flowery vocab in my mind..whenevr i m angry, that four letter word will juz appear in my mind,tempting me to say it out..and i use to hate ppl(guys or girls) saying vulgarities..i really cant stand it..even like wad lau eh..i will also cringed at that word..but now is like i have gone so bad to the extent of wanting to say the four letter word..i feel soo sinful..arghh..
and todae i openly say to my church mates i pon lectures and all those..someone said"wah, set wad a good example
!" in a sarcastic tone of course..it struck me...i noe that ponning lectures are really not right..yet instead of feeling asham, i openly said i did it..as though it is sth to be proud of..and not only me myself pon lecture,i even influence and persuade others to pon with me..i felt really bad..where has my conscience goes to..why do i do all these..i noe they will hurt God..i noe God will be displease to see me doing all these..but i juz cant stop myself frm doing all these..argh..i feel like a downright sinner...
and during the seniors youth discussion..we were discussing abt talents and strength...ever since mths, i forgot wad are my strengths liow..i din even noe i have strengths..do i have..if i have, someone plz kindly tell me..
i want to get out..but i cant..it's so hard..even i feel better..i still feel stuck..i m like stuck in between being a non christian n a christian..and the feeling sucks..
hello! im here to blog on behalf of lizhen! im like so bored now and lizhen is bored as well. so yeah that explains why we're blogging for each other. its 11:57 now and we cant get to sleep! apparently lizhen has been slept her whole afternoon away and i only woke up at around 3. heh heh heh.
eh we havent completed homework! *screams* lizhen says she's too lazy to do while im anti-hmwk! haha. well actually, i havent figured exactly what homework there is. hawhaw. someone motivate me to study and at least do a little homework please. how about kinder bueno for 1 tutorial completed? hmmms..
ohh lizhen! haha. im always punching her. yes literally. haha but no, i dun mean any harm. hor lizhen? haha. as e saying goes, ' da shi ai ' (beat means love) i love lizhen ok! hurhur. bully her and i'll punch u! >.<
im like crapping thru this entry but who cares? haha. im so bored. it keeps me entertained. yessss there's school tmr! and lizhen's lesson ends at 2.15 ! i end at 1.15! yayyyyy. but i might be gg to the fbt warehouse to check out the jerseys for our OG with si hui. and there's bball trg after that. i dun like trgs on monday. tsk =/
ohhhhh ive actually been on the computer for the whole day. practically did nth thruout. hawhaw. played pool and kept losing! =/ shittt my mouse lah. i tink there's smth wrong wif it. well com's speakers down too and my com hangs for no reason. even when only one window is open! everything's so screwed up.
chinese new year is coming! oh yay. ba gua! my favourite. heh heh. its the best thing abt new year! (besides from the angbaos)
omg. lizhen jus tarnished my reputation! apparently, she blogged for me, praising herself! geesus. how to faceeee ppl now u tell me?! hahaha. ok la . let her blog what she wans lor, as long as she's happy. haha. anw lizhen, be happy ok? forget all the miserable stuff!
i finally learned to say
whatever will be will be
i learned to take
the good, the bad and breathe'
cause although we like
to know what life's got planned
no one knows if shooting stars will land
there can be miracles when you believe
though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
who knows what miracles you can achieve
when you believe
somehow you will
you will when you believe.
anyway, im not a manchester united fan! im a liverpool fan. see what lizhen wrote in my blog! haha. she's insane la. liverpool rocks ok. cus there's gerrard. haha ok whatever. aye, think i shall stop here now. nth more to type and im gg to check out what else lizhen has blogged for me! =/
oh one last thing, go and sleep lah lizhen but dun sleep too much either. haha. not during lectures hor. we must stay awake during lectures! yupp. see u tmr ! night. (:
deep inside i m aching
honestly,past few days..i have been feeling terrible..i cried almost every night..when everyone is sleeping and when i start to think..i felt a sudden sense of lost..i felt part of me is gone..and there is like a hole in my heart..and i feel very empty..
many a times,i wish that there will be someone there to hug me..but i found no one but myself..i feel so hopeless..haiz..
really wish i wun feel so terrible..i hardly toke nowadays which is soooo unlike me..din feel like..i feel that i m no longer the lizhen i use to be..and i really hate the lizhen now..if i were to choose,i will go back to the past and be the one i use to be..
but time cannot turn back..sadly..
fallen
well..i have been scanning thru my past entries...
and realise most of the entries are abt God
those feelings then were so unfamiliar to me now..
honestly..i have been feeling terrible..have been self-centered,have been avoiding frends, have been lying to almost everyone whu ask "how are you"..cuz i really duno how to say that i m not okay..
todae, i was late for church purposey cuz i couldnt bring myself to worship Him..even as i went for prayer meeting on fri..i din really attended it at all..halfway thru i went out..cuz i felt too ashamed,i felt like a hypocrite..
i have disappointed God so much that i really cannot forgive myself..everytime i sing praises,guilt will overwhelmed me..cuz after all i duno if i have loved Him anot..honestly for the past few weeks i dun even do my devotions and it has been long since the last time i really prayed to Him..i really dunno if God is still with me anot..
todae as i was deciding to quit being in the music ministry and opted out of organising this year youth camp..it was really hard..i knew if i made all these decision i definitely will not turn back..so i got myself excused of having duties for the next few weeks...
i knew that this year was an impt year for me..cuz this year i m organising the youth camp and finally my church decided to focus on our worship..which confirms he vision/dream God has given me..but again..as i thot of the vision He has given me..somehow i wished that He nv had given me that..it was that vision which got me so on fire.it was that vision which made me wanna go music min.it was that vision which gave me the passion and hope to revive my church.it was also that vision which made me prideful.and now as i think back..i really dunno if i was trying to edify God with wad i was doing all along or am i only trying to fulfil my own dream and edifying myself..i really dunno..all i noe is God chose the wrong person to fulfill such a big task..He think too highly of me..even as i really wish to become a worship leader,i dun have the ability to..i cant avoid the feeling of afraiding my voice will go wrong or the fear of me singing too soft and in the end my focus is not even on God alone..a part of me wants to give up,a part of me hurts to see God letting go of me and saying that i cannot make it..honestly i feel so messed up now..i duno how to espress this feeling..so wadeva i typed above..those whu cant understand..it's okay..cuz prob i myself dun understand wad am i toking abt..
is it really true that wadeva i think of is always oppposite frm reality..it always happen to me..i use to think that after O level i will do many things..i use to think that i will take part in the youth camp..i use to think of me going up to Pastor Siow Hwee and telling him that i want to be the worship leader for the youth camp...i use to think that i will tell the music ministry my vision so as to encourage them..i use to think that i will see God when i die..i use to think that i can point ppl to Christ..
but now all these "thinkings" seem impossible..and truly wadeva i think always appear opposite in reality...
and i fallen so deep that i cant get up...during the prayer meeting,i saw God's disappointed and sad face as i turned away from Him..even as part of me wants to get up and follow Him,the other part of me keeps pulling me back..
and before i know..i have lost my eternity...and my dreams and my hopes....
JC life
haha..JC life rawks man..everyday so slack one..like holiday larhh..haha...
our OG is still soo united!!which is super good!haha..
haha...i have been wearing the cedar uniform..haha...i m such a poser..lolx..heck larh..any uniform is beta than my sch u..haha...kitson say my sch u makes me look short.haha...i m like super tall okay!164 or 165cm leh!!!haha...
anyway i go out and eat everyday..oh man..i think i will become fat larhh..haha..my OG is like an eating OG..then todae we went out to Junction 8 to eat..haha..and i saw my RJ frend there..so qiao!haha..
then we started toking abt bf and stuff..cuz we had nth to do..haha..
stupid bel..dun wan to reveal any of her crush or criteria for her type of guy..lolx..for me is i look at smiles..haha...i think most ppl noe liow..haha....lolx..these are the pix we took there..haha
dengli,me n esther!
bel n me!
haha.gendli took a pic of me when i wasnt noticing!
i LOVE MY OG!!!!
HAHA..every long time nv update liow..cuz everyday come home frm orientation very tired lar..haha
hmm...
let me start frm first day..
haha...honestly first day i was like sian diao...everyone was like so quiet then in my mind was like oh no..no one will be able to stand my craziness and loudness..but first impression of the OGLs was why they all look so guai one!!haha...lolx...but i quite admire them cuz i knew we were like so sian then they were trying hard to bond us as an OG..haha..
then after first day i really didnt want to go sch liow cuz i felt so sian and the games are like really boring..but i still went cuz the OGLs say next day will be better..so i was hoping it will be beta..
second day was a bit beta..but still quite sian..haha..we made laterns..then after we made finish we were quite sian..so we decided to draw on those faces in the magazines!haha..then there is this conversation..haha..which is super funny!haha..
hyeimun and sum girls: hey,gay usually have earholes on left side or right side?
daryl: oh..left side
then we all stared at him
hyeimun: u sure?
another girl: i thot is right side?
daryl: oh yarhh...right side!right side!
then we all started laughing..haha..cuz he has a earhole on his left ear..
then i think he said i m not a gay!
then someone said a gay will nv admit he is a gay..
daryl:ok,i m a gay
LOLX!!SO FUNNY!!HAHA...
it's only until the third day it was really fun!!cuz our OG was like very bonded..and i realise we are all that crazy!!haha...yarhh..we went sentosa..then i saw a few of my MJC frends!!(Malcolm,Serene n Xaviour.but Xaviour didnt recognise me!)haha...and i think i saw Chen Han Wei!!haha..me and Lishan saw this guy whu looks really like chen hanwei on the beach playing volleyball then after that we shouted his name..haha..and he turn around and wave at us larh!!!LOLX!i guess he muz be chen hanwei rite!haha..so funny!!
then after awhile we were playing games on the beach..then me and Sabrina saw this really cute dog..haha..then we juz went up to the owner and ask if we can play wif the dog!!lolx..haha..the owner agreed!ahaha...the dog was really cute!haha..
then we played the "snatching other ppl pole" game..haha..hyeimun was so funny..she wear her poncho and flap around like a crazy person!haha..lolx..so funny...then after that we decided to go and eat dinner together!haha...on the sentosa bus got so many ppl lorh..haha..then oh yarh..did i mention daryl was such a gentleman..lolx..he let dengli sit wif yuzhen i tink..haha...then he go sit wif benjamin..haha...then he was trying to be frends wif benjamin until benjamin say he is agitated..
then we all go harbourfront food court eat..ahah...then we made so much noise there larh!haha..i went to but drinks..then the stallholder back was facing me..then i call auntie...then he turn around and he was a guy!!i was so pai seh!!haha..then i apologise and call him shuai ge!!hah..then other stall holders were laughing as well..ahha..then...my table ppl sudd say all one two three and started laughing..so everybody laugh and it was so loud that everybody in the foodcourt turn and look at us..we were real crazy then!haha
then we also toke abt shuai ge in NYJC..haha..i tink my hse pheonix got the most shuai ge!ahah...really...then we toke and toke until spencer has the probility of becoming gay..haha...and we link him wif kitson!LOLX!!!haha..nah..but i dun think he is gay...hahaha...
then the last day..everybody came!!yeah!!!haha...we did mass dance first...haha...then quite funny..ahaha..the OGL of OG16 very funny..haha...then i cannot stop laughing..haha..but he didnt noe i was laughing..haha...then after that Audrey came..then she also very funny..i think she very cute..she taught me how to dance..haha..and she looks like one of my frends!haha..i realise alot of Nanyang ppl look like my other frends..lolx...haha...but aniwae yarh..she very nice..after that we played the air games..then sudd halfway kitson scold us!then we were all stunned!haha...but after that we realise he was faking!hahah..he so bad rite...haha..cheat us!!!oh..then is faction time..we played truth or dare...haha...had quite a fun time playing that..Louis did a pole dance!lolx..then dorothy went to take number frm errol(or wadeva his name is spelt)..ahha..
oh then we chose the dancing king and queen frm pheonix!ahah...dorothy and Klye went up to rep our grp!they dance together so cute larh!!haha..i cant stop laghing man!!haha...Kyle is like SO funny..the way he dance..and he was very enthu..ahha...aniwae they got the cutest dancing couple!haha..ohh..then did i mention there was this girl whu look really like japanese in my grp but she is a singaporean..haha...she is so cute larh..haha..her name is anabel..haha..then i was trying to test if she is a japanese by speaking jap to her.(my fav line: watashi kawaii neh!kawaii!kawaii!)but she dun understand..haha..i ask her to juz agree but she refuse..haha...lolx...
then we had faction time..and we are suppose to toke abt wads our first impression of the OGLs..
well..my first impression of rachel was that she is very cute and bubbly one.. those type very guai one..haha...
then my first impression of esther was that she is very reliable and outgoing and i tink abit of daring..then my first impression of Kitson was that he is trying to act enthu and frendly...but act he is quite sianz..hahaha...
aniwae we didnt really say our impressions and thots cuz we made a tribal dance around them!!lolx..
then at night was the disco night!haha..the songS all not nice to dance one!!!
but aniwae the OGLs danced very well..haha..esp esther...cuz she is frm dance one mah!!haha...but aniwae we still had lots of fun!haha...then our OG went out to eat supper!haha..i was super tired..but i juz went wif them..haah...then my table was playing truth or dare when i was like half dead..so i looked very sianz..haha..sorry leh..dun get offended when i look sianz..most of the time is i very tired..haha...
aniwae i LOVE MY OG MEMBERS AND OGLS!!HAHA...I WILL MISS YOU GUYS!!!MUACHZ!!haha..aniwae still got more ppl to include but me too tired..shall include next time..haha..bye!
