Tuesday, December 29, 2009

in and out of rough patches

just when i thot i was out of a rough patch, im back in again
my heart is aching so much that it literally jumps whenever u msg me back or msn. cuz im scared u might say sth that will make it even more painful
im so confused. i dunno wad i shld be feeling right now. i really dont.
why didnt i have the discipline like i had before.
im overreacting. i must be. im usually not like that. not even when i thot the worse had already happened to me. i cant sleep. and people are telling me to be cool abt it. how to be..
my heart is literally aching. all the stress that adds on to it. never knew going for exchange could be this troublesome. all the stuff that needs to be settled.
i need to get hold of myself
wish i didnt need to pretend everything is alright in front of other people. esp my church ppl. wish they were more sensitive. wish church was really a place i can have refuge in.

really hope 2010 will be better for me. God, i cant take this anymore. 2009 was crazy. i cant recall any single period whereby i felt joyful. my joy is always shortlived. i hope 2010 will be a lot better

Monday, December 14, 2009


my heart is healing. i can feel it. i was so so so broken and torn. thought it wld take forever to recover. thanks to my beloved besties who made me feel so loved! :) just came back from malaysia. janene just came back from australia. it has been one year since i last saw her? gosh. times flies and i really missed her! so glad we could spend some time together.. was really glad i could share how i feel and all. they know me so well :)) but dunno why, everytime i see allen, i think of hall and my heart starts to hurt. how i felt he knew abt so much things and yet not tell me. how i once thought that if the whole hall was against, he wld be someone who wld still stand by me and not be influenced by wad they say. but i guess people do change huh..

so glad i went malaysia. it really helps in the healing. being with my beloved christian friends. i miss those good old times. miss AC. wish the world was more like AC. but of course, it wont be. and i have to grow out of it. time to move on. haha. i have been reflecting for like the past few days. i think this is prob why i always cant sleep at night. whenever i close my eyes, i will start thinking about all these stuff. sigh. dear heart, hurry up and get healed.

church camp tmr! shall sleep soon. hope that through this church camp, i can finally get closer to God and also to my church ppl. have been praying a lot abt church.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

In your freedom

I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

i miss you God and i miss leading worship, being in your presence. miss everything about You
this is your little girl signing out

Monday, December 07, 2009


ouch. ouch. ouch. dunno wad's wrong with me nowadays or if its God's purposely doing all these. i keep getting hurt by people. i can literally feel my heart bleeding. i always thot people will reciprocate sincerity. so being the foolish me, i throw in lots of love and sincerity in friendships. only to realise that im a fool. only to realise that the power lies in those who care less. only to realise that it can really hurt. am i being too sensitive? but its cuz i care thats why expectations are higher. u were right. no expectations. no disappointment. no hurts.

i cant even recognize myself anymore. i use to be so happy. and now, im like forever immersed in sadness. i hate this life. i dun even know wad im living for anymore. for God? but it doesnt feel like it. my heart has hardened. and my soul is turning cold. i feel cold inside. somehow along the way, i feel i given hope on loving people. given hope on the chance of people loving me as well...

Thursday, December 03, 2009

let go and let God

wanna run back to God. now. but sth is in the way. sth cant let go. i find myself negotiating with God :(