Thursday, August 30, 2007

read into my deepest thoughts

prelims are over! yay! i have been taking a break for like the past 3 days.super cool.i watched hairspray and ratatouille alr.ahha.both movies are super cute.hhaha.

oh..yesterday we celebrated jasmon's birthday..the N354 ppl and the E354 ppl..we went to Miss Clarity Cafe..super cool=) but the food there is not that nice.haha.but dunno why yesterday after meeting my seniors..i felt a sense of melancholy..oh.i didnt tell u..i met shadrach mich andre joel and amaria at plaza sing.haha.i was walking around then i heard someone calling me and that was shadrach.haha.i was really happy to see them=) it has been a long while since i saw i decided to reach the clarity cafe at a later time and went to cafe cartel to talk to them for a while.i duno.maybe its just me that they sudd seem so foreign to me..maybe its me that have changed.but i know one fact.i really dun feel like caring anymore.all these friendships with the seniors..i have long faced up to the fact that most of them have prehaps forgot me by now.all of us have moved on =)

anyway i felt very unfair to jasmon yesterday..i knew i wasnt in the mood to celebrate his birthday..and i was like sitting in front of him at the table.i felt so i tried to strike every conversation i could..and i knew i put on a smile that wasnt long did the smile last?not for long..after a while..i knew i just couldnt take it anymore.the last thing i want to do was to burst out in tears in front of him and be the center of attention and robbing him of the attention he should be in.its his birthday..he should be the star..and so i walked out.i told them i wanted to find sth..which is quite true.i wanted to find a place where i can calm myself down..balance my emotions and come back again.and so i walked.and i found this nice place at raffles hotel(i think) it was just this place whereby there is live jazz singing.super an open restaurant i think.the restaurant was first floor.and i was at the second floor looking down and enjoying the music.i duno why..tears just started welling up.oh well.thank God there are reallly very few ppl there.haha.

i dunno whether it is a gift or a curse that im a person full of really sometimes i just cant control the emotions like yesterday.i really didnt know why i was sad.or maybe i just didnt want to find out the reason.i know partly was due to the stupid award thing.i have to admit i was disappointed.really really disappointed.i keep telling myself that all the things i have done..i did it for God not for men.and i have been telling myself that ever since i handed up the form.cuz i know the chances are im not gg to get my outstanding award.but deep down in my heart..i guess i myself have shamelessly thought that i deserve an outstanding award.everyone tells me that worship ic has the heaviest job.i wish they had nv told me just adds onto my shameless belief that i should get that award.and i thought to myself..all these while..why did i torture myself so much.why did i contribute to cf so much..more than wad is required of me..why did i always have too much on my plate..why did i cry so much for just one cca?why?why?why? i cant help but thinking all these questions.maybe im not as holy as ppl think..maybe im not as strong a christian as ppl think..i nv thot i would think of all these questions or maybe i nv wanted to allow myself to think of all these..cuz i know that strong and true christians are not suppose to think that way..i keep telling myself that all the things i have done..God sees it and He will reward me in heaven..i dun want to be like the pharisees..i dun want rewards..i dun want recognition for wad i have done..but as much as i keep telling myself that..i know my heart doesnt believe wad i said.i know deep down..i want the school to recognise how much i have done for the a typical student after all. but i really hate myself for thinking all these and feeling sour..i really want to be strong.i felt mean yesterday..really mean.i know i felt unfair.unfair that why did david got the award when i didnt.i keep telling myself he deserve it..he has been a good pres..but i know my heart says that he hasnt been responsible..the times when i was so fustrated and disappointed at him..the times when he left me alone in my own ministry..the times when i had to be stress becuz of him..

see.u see the mean side of me now.maybe deep down im a mean not as nice as u all not as innocent as u guys think i not as cheerful as i appear to not that child like anymore.i rmb carol recently told me that i have grown a sense im not longer child like anymore.she said she doesnt know whether its good or bad.the good thing is i have become more and more sensible.on the other hand.i have lost my child likeness(being carefree..being so trusting..being so happy?) i dunno man.but i know i also dunno wad is happening to stupid award can challenge my faith alr.maybe my faith is not that strong after all.was i really doing all those stuff that i was doing for God?do i really love Him?do i really have the right to lead nurture ppl? i really love God?do i?
after watching this drama series..i sudd feel like i need someone..someone physically who can protect me..who can always be there when i need him..i wonder why have i been guarding my heart all this while.why?wad for?even though im not exactly good looking.even though im not outstanding.even though im not that ladylike..its not as though i have no suitors before.i wish my life was like the drama series..i wish i wish.but i know my wish will nv come true.ah gg crazy alr.i know that i believe all relationships should lead to marriage..but sometimes i really dun feel like caring..sometimes i just want to have a taste of wad is it like to be in love..wad is it like to have someone special..

why do i even think so much recently.why?i guess i wanna go studying alr.studying is the only thing that i need not use my emotions cuz it itself is emotionless..studying is the only thing that i wun harm or hurt anyone with my emotions.studystudystudy...hmm..