things are diff
todae is the first worship(that i m on duty) that i actually focus on God instead of my voice..at the beginning,as usual the mic was not working..haha..honestly i was worrying abt if my voice could be heard(if not they say i sing too soft again)..but thank God todae worship was long enough to make me realise that God doesnt want to hear my voice..He wants to hear my heart..worship is not juz as my singing, is abt giving our heart to God..and i was reminded of a book which i had been reading again.."extravagant worship"..and God told me to trust Him and juz sing like when i wasnt on stage..indeed i calmed down n miraculously the AVA guy finally knew there was sth wrong with my mic and increased the volume..haha..cool man..
then later went to EL to watch Left Behind series 1,2 and 3..honestly,duno why..when i went in there..i felt things were not the same anymore..i felt that everyone has moved on except me..like wad joel told me.many things had happen during the period i din cum..i felt so out of place there..i felt lost..cuz i thot i cld always cum back if there were be a point of time when i really want to change church..but no..i cant..cuz things are juz so foreign to me..everyone..i duno..i feel so lost..i m like struggling in my own church..there is nowhere that i cld feel belong to..i feel so useless..i m juz escaping frm problems..maybe God wants me to stay and face the problems instead of church hopping..i duno why..my heart feels pain that i cant describe and nor do i noe the reason why it is hurting..
aniwae while watching Left Behind series 1,2 & 3..i realsie if i were to leave in the tribulation period now..i wouldnt survive..i really admire their faith..and truly..having strong faith can bring wonders that we nv thot to be possible..i cld see the love they have for God is SO strong..that even death do not frighten them..for they know that God is with them and they are doing wad He wants them to do..
haha
i m bored..happen to stumble upon this..lolx..
http://kevan.org/johari?name=zhenrawks
...
haiz...
why muz there always be more troubles created in my life when i manage to stand up and decided to face life again..why muz it be when i m happy and cheerful and recovering again..then things start to go wrong again..when i get over this..another aspect gets worst..its like a never ending thing..honestly i m not that kind of strong person...i m seriously vulnerable and weak inside..i cannot take too much blows u noe..
i duno how long i can get up and fall and get up and fall and get up and fall over and over again..i duno when i will decide to stay on the floor and not get up again..to prevent myself frm getting hurt again..haiz...
Who am i
Who am i?
That the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am i?
That the Brght and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,
Not because of who I am,
But because of what You'ver done,
Not because of what i've done,
But because of who You are,
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when i'm calling,
Lord,You catch me when i'm falling,
And You've told me who i am.
I am Yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
and watch me rise again,
Who am i?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
and calm the storm in me,
I am Yours,
Whom shall i fear?
Whom shall i fear?
'Cause i m Yours,
I am Yours.
miss u guys..
whee!!!!!! i m so happy todae..duno why..haha...i m feeling better already..haha..told u my life is like a sharp roller coaster..todae wore a cross necklace to sch..to remind me that i m carrying Christ cross with me whenever i go..haha..at least it is a good start..so that i wun stray away n will focus..haha..kind of a stupid move..but at least it helps! =)
left 7 more sch days..gonna miss nanyang so much man..i really will miss the frends there..haiz..no more shuai ge n cute guys liow..so these few days muz see more..lolx...joking..
haiz..but i guess leaving is not of a choice larh...well..gonna treasure these few days especially..haha..yupp..gonna eat first..bye!
i m becoming a pig!!
haiz..i feel so lazy nowadays.i m lyk back to my slumber mode..i sleep at least 12 hrs a day!!hardly study at allkinda worried i cant catch up after 1st three mths.but whenever i want to study,i will have headache and immediately feeli like sleeping.but then i really want to study cuz i havent been studying for 3 mths liow!!!and i nv really luisten in class plus i forgot most of my sec 3 and sec 4 stuff..feeling kinda helpless.mind is willing but body doesnt allows it..i duno.nowadays i keep having constant headaches.sleeping is my best solution n cure.
by sleeping,i numb my pain and escapes frm reality.by sleeping,i do not need to think.honestly i wish i cld sleep forever and never wake up..haiz..but then i believe there are things that i need to do..i muz not be so lazy!!
yesterday i was still pondering if i shld go poly instead of jc.i feel thta i m not the type to study.my memory is really very bad.when i study,i cld literally feel that the words gg inside my brain are cuming out.my mind no loger can think and function well already.haiz.i feel so stupid and helpless.my mum always scold me for not concentrating well enough that's why i get such " bad results".but dont she knows that her daughter really has a bad memory.even if i tell her so,she will say i m using it as an excuse.honestly,i felt that my results cld have been beta but it doesnt mean it is bad..i mean my cut off pts might get me into tjc this shows that it not really that bad..aniwae i felt that i have done my best.she thinks i m a know-it-all person.but i m not.i m not as smart as she thinks i m..
haiz.. and then todae i went church.i sudd felt so wrong there.i felt like i dun fit in.ever since last eyar,i have always been trying so hard to fit in but somehow i m juz in a diff frequency from the rest of them.i feel so tired.once again,the temptation of leaving is coming back again.the temptation of withdrawing frm church camp.the temptation of changing church is so strong and hard to fight back.in my mind,a voice keep saying"they dun even noe u'r down.they dun even care if u are gone"then the words of "eternal life assembly will always welcome me back" is so tempting..to change frm a presbyterian to a charismatic church..but the thing is i din tell them i was down.we humans are like that,we dun show and tell others how we feel ,we expect them to know.and sometimes we try so hard to cover up and not let others noe.but still deep down inside we are hoping that they will noe.complicate huh?thats why blog is so popular cuz thru blogs,ppl will get to noe the real feeling of the person.and only thru blogs,ppl will tell out their true feelings.
haiz..trying to studyfor econs test..but failed..feel lyk sleeping again..=/
why do i always have to struggle with my inner self..why do i always have to fight with the evil thots in my mind.am i really that evil?how cum i feel that the old Lizhen has died long ago..i do not care abt others.i do not love now.i now have become so cynical.i have become so self centered..what left of me is a cold and hardened heart.i feel that even my close frends are drifting away frm me now..what exactly have i bcome?nowadays,when i hang out with my christian frends i feel so awkward.even when i hang out with my best frends,i feel awkward.maybe izit becuz i m not the christian i use to be.and when i hang out with my other frends i feel lyk i m trying to escape frm reality.i have been avoiding both kind of frends.or even when now i feel bored,i dun even noe whu to look for.or when i study..i duno whu to find.haiz..if turn were able to turn back,i rather be studying for Os..yupp..but life goes on..
u once said if i have got any problems,u will try ur best to help me.but now when i try to toke to u,u seem so reluctant to toke to me.whenever u called or sms me..it is always not abt me but always concern abt someone else.honestly i m not jealous.i m really not jealous.but i wish u cld at least show sum concern for me.perhaps u got problems of ur own..i duno.cuz we havent been toking for a long time already....
struggling
haiz...
ever sunce the starting of this year, i have been struggling alot..one moment i cld trust God and love Him..the next moment i m down..it is like a rollar coaster ride..sharp downs but gentle ups..
but stiill i want to thank Him for being so gracious not to let me experience this kind of struggle during my O levels..even though last year there were falls but somehow i always quickly overcome them..but this year..things are different..
i honestly duno wad i have become of...i realise i have become more cynical..less trusting ppl and wad they say..is this becuz wad the jc environment has made me? i really dun like it..i prefer to my old naive self in sec 4..even if ppl hurt me but at least i know oi trusted them..it is them whu is at fault that they broke my trust..not me..now i feel like i m doubting and feeling cynical abt every word my frends say..and i dun like it..i hate it...i prefer to choose to believe everyone..
i could feel a tinge of bitterness still in me..and i juz cant get rid of them..where has the overflowing love went to??haiz..
nowadays the past keeps cuming back AGAIN!!! i duno why..i juz thot abt it sudd..haiz...and it is haunting me..sianz...
God's grace
actually i have been thinking alot during the past few days.i looked back at my life and i can see God's grace strongly shown in my life.Our God is a gracious God.He always give us waht we need and sometimes even more than enough..sometimes we think have not enough cuz we have unlimited wants.we are greedy.we always want more.that's human nature.and then we start sulking why cant we have more.as i look back my past,i realsie God has indeed have been very very kind to me.during my primary sch, i always aim to go River Valley.my teachers said i cant make it.even my parents dun really believe i can get in.but God helped me got in.It is by God's grace that i got in and not by how hard i studied.
and when comes to sec sch.i always wanted to get into ACJC even till my O levels finished.but yet i wanted more..i was hoping to get a 9 pts raw result for my Os...and on the day of collection,i was disappointed and also very sad cuz i din get what i want..but actually my points fulfilled the requirement marks to get into ACJC.but i wasnt happy.being greedy i wanted to go VJC if i can.and i din expect my chem to get a B3..cuz i studied hard.i sulk and got very sad.but then i realise again,it is not how much i studied to get into the sch i want(even though i cant deny that studying of course is a factor) but most imptly it is God's grace that got me in..i felt that sth might have gone wrong with my chem paper..cuz i really found it very easy n i checked my ans and most of them are correct.but heck.ultimately it is in His purpose..at least he limits my choice
and that i dun have to choose..
whichever JC i go..i hope to shine in there and really live like His child.yupp
my OG!
wah..cool rite..haha..lolx..that time our OG took at the BBQ at hyeimun hse..=)
i shall be firm.
well,
i m so much beta now compare to yesterday or the day before..heehee...
i duno..i sudd feel that results are not that impt after all!they are so minute compared to the eternity that i have to go!heehee..
hmm..firstly...still i duno wanna say my results..cuz i see no point.haha..its over liow mah..so wad for mention it..now i m hoping to get into ACJC..haiz..actually..i realise i was kinda of stupid to get upset over my results..wad is done cannot be done liow..haha..but i did say within 3 days i will not of it liow..haha..yeah!and i m over with it liow!!!
juz wanna thanks those of my frends whu have been encouraging me..yupp!you all really encourage me alot..even those i dun really noe well show their concerns for me..and i m
REALLY touched!...yupp...
THANKS MAN!God is great and he ALWAYS will be!! even though i m no pretty face..no smart..no popular...no rich BUT i have God and i m proud of it!!!todae i went to upper peirce reservoir with my church ppl!the place there is so nice larh!!haha..btw the food we prepared were simply delicious!muahahahaa...but there are a lot of big jumping spiders there which freaked me off!!haha..but still the scenary was nice!!very nice!!heehee..but it was super hot and i still din get tan!!! x/
haha..aniwae valentine day is cuming!!and i still duno wad to give to my frends!arghh..haha
sad
haiz..wad's the point of studying and yet this kind of result..no point lorhh..
ppl think river valley ppl all very good..yarh rite...
i m one good example..
one of the odd 30% whu din get 10 and below.. now i noe why Kitsen says getting his 12 is nth..when i wowed at his results..
i feel i let down my teachers..esp my chem teacher..i want to say sorry to him and i did..but then even i said..i still feel so guilty..wad went wrong..chem was so easy and i studied so hard for it..i pinned all my hopes on it..it doesnt matter wad my other subjects get, my most concern is my chem..i thot it wld definitely be the subject i m proud of..i really duno wad went wrong..i thot the paper was easy..and i studied so hard for it.wad happen?i thot the min i cld get is A2!!wahh..the more i think the more i get sad..well..only God knows wad happen at cambridge..
well, i screwed my amaths and english too..sianz..underperform again!!!but no last chance liow..the results are final! i have to accept them!
i feel so out..i feel so extra..ppl cry when their L1R5 get 8?then how the heck shld i react...sian...
i feel so so so stupid now..i feel so so so dumb..
i m feeling numb..nvm..let me juz be sad for one day or i at most 3 days..i will get over soon..dun worry abt me..i will be fine..i will learn how to trust in Him and His plans for me..
but in the meantime..dun ask me my results...i definitely wun tell..
sian..i hear any word abt in rv you cant do badly that phrase huh..i m gonna stare at that person man...
i don wanna be sad..but cant help myself from feeling so...
sorry if i m rude to u..cuz my mind is in a mess now..cant think well..
todae getting back results!ahh!!
ok..there is 13 more hours to go before i collect back my results..arghh..
kinda scared.but i noe that it is in His hands..there is nth i can do now..
i really wanna thank God for the ppl He has put in my life mans..i simply
love my CT and OG.. you guys
rocks man...haha..my CT is so fun and crazy larhh..i m so happy..i think i m gonna miss all of them if i ever leave nanyang..haiz..i think i will cry lorh..serious..
aniwae Valentine's Day is coming! who is free to go out???(from my OG and those without dates of course)..haha..my OG going out to celebrate Valentine's Day!! so cool!!haha..at least now i m not dateless...haiz...in JC, couples are sprouting everywhere...guys wooing girls..girls crushing on guys and everyone is toking abt eyecandy and stuff...even though it is very interesting and fun but it sure distracts me alot..the pressure of being single is quite alot..then there will be this tendency to quickly find a boyfrend..haiz..
when i smiled and waved at you todae,i saw u giving me back that reluctant smile,i knew things are different now..sadly, i could feel us drifting apart...yet i was powerless to stop this gap..
i m back into where i belong
Todae i went to City harvest Church..at first i din want to go..cuz i was too lazy to wake up but then sth told me that i might get sth out of today.this is like the first time i attended CHC..it was at expo..delirious came..
the starting of the worship,i was still sian sian one...but then half way thru, i had a picture presented in my mind..
i had a picture of a little girl running to her father and she was crying as she ran to Him.The father face was full of gentleness and love.i had this feeling that the girl was stubborn and naughter and decided to venture out on her own and in the end got hurt instead..and the father was smiling as her father watches her make her mistakes and falls down....and i could feel strongly that the father was glad that she finally decided to come back,torn and tattered..the father consoled her and hugged her...i felt that the little girl was me and the father was God..cuz i could hear a voice in my head that say gently,"Come to me and i will heal you" and a verse came into my mind.."Whoever hopes in Him will renew their strength..."
and i started crying and crying..God after all hasnt forgotten abt me..then i duno wad happen sudden darkness overwhelms me as i had a mixed and uneasy feeling in my heart..i sudd felt insecure..i was pretty scared,cuz i m in the hse of God.In Him,there is no darkness..i ask God,"where are you?!where are you?!Plz dun leave me!" and i heard Him said,"My child,I am ALWAYS right beside you"
then i saw this hole covered with a lid but then somehow it was open and i travelled out into His glory and light...i guess God was trying to tell me to trust Him even when i m in darkness even when i dun feel Him..this has been like the first time since duno when i really toke to God wholeheartedly..
and oh Delirious introduced a few new songs.One of them was "Take off my shoes" which simply hit me..I'll take off my shoes
I'm coming in
Untie this rope,
I'm staying with Him,
Love of my life,
Just for the moments
For my king and I
Why did You call,
Why did You wait,
For someone so guilty,
someone so fake,
There are no words
For my beautiful song,
Now i'm in the arms
of my beautiful One
Hold me, blow all the pride
From my bones,with Your fire.
Hold me,breathe on this heart
Made of stone,keep it pure
Hold me,Saviour of heaven and
Earth,King forever.
Hold me,Love of my life lead me on
Through the fire,lead me onthis song hit me the most cuz as was i said in my previous entry,i long to be in His embrace.the part of"Hold me and breathe on this heart made of stone,keep it pure" has always been wad i want..
God is really an AWESOME God! even though i m not fully recovered but i can say i m no longer in darkness and i have decided to fight against the devil and not let him take me!!!!
i can feel that this year is gonna be a bad year for me..first day of the year(also first sun), i was on duty..and things din go right...then during chinese new year, i suddenly got mood swing and broke down in front of all my cousins,aunts n uncles..SO EMBARASSING OK..
and till now i still havent got over my depressin...
haiz..i found myself falling deeper into darkness and my conscience no longer prick when i do bad thing(eg.ponning lectures,tutorial n practicals)..i m totally beyond cure...it is no longer the i, i see in the mirror but someone foreign to me,someone cold and unlovely...ever though i may seem happy outside, i can fool the world but i cant fool my own heart..i noe no matter how i try to cover and supress my sadness, it will eventually surface..how long can a smile plastered on my face last long?--not long..how long can i pretend..again i can fool the world but not my heart..
todae, there is an urge in my heart,longing to be like a little girl and running into God's loving embrace...i long to be in His wide open arms, like a father hugging a daughter...i long to tell Him i m sorry and pouring out everything to Him..i long to forget the pain and the sorrow and be feel loved and happy once more..
but i noe all these are impossible.i cant get over it..i cannot suppress my feelings cuz i m a very e,otional person whu always base one feelings.how i wish i immediately right beside Him..Had He forotten me?Had He gave up on me?perhaps it is i myself that has gave up on myself..i duno wad is happening to me..i only noe the one i see is someone i duno and even fear of..who exactly m i? i had gotten myself somewhere i duno...i lost all security that i have..i feel vulnerable..i hate this feeling..
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