sigh..
past week has been good for me..i mean i m so glad i m out of critical depression..and my frends noticed that i m more cheerful too..heh..haha
until now..sigh..i mean i m no longer in depression..but sth are juz tearing my heart apart..seriously.literally i can feel the pain..
why cant she understand..u noe wad..i gave up..i seriously cant find any love..i duno how to express myself in words..all i can say is that i m glad that i din say words that will hurt her..after all it is not glorifying to God..but u noe.i have been juz tolerating and enduring..i cant take it any longer..i cant..this hurts me so much that i feel it will juz bring me back to depression again..
i m hurting so much inside..sometimes i wish i cld juz cry onto someone's shoulder(dun get me wrong.need not be a guy.haha) i mean i juz need someone there u see..
but the thing is i dun want to burden anyone..i dun want them to be upset over me..i really dont want..anyway everybody have their own problems..it is not fair to them if i add on to their burden..
when i was juz hurting so much juz now..i was really tempted to call ppl..first person was melodie..cuz she said she will always be there for me when i needed someone.but then i realise i duno wad to say..i juz needed someone there..even on the phone..so i know i m not alone..but nah..i thot it was awkward.then janene is back in Malaysia..prob enjoying her time spent with her family.dun want to disturb her..pearleen has got enough problems herself..the J2 seniors are enjoying their time at Michelle hse..the J1 comm ppl most of them are facing their own problems..and some of them juz got getter..and in the first place i feel i m not even close to most of them.i m sorry to say that i wish the comm ppl can show more love..but i m not blaming them cuz i know i myself need to be more sensitive to ppl..i have been way too self centered..wanting..i duno..i m juz scared that she will cut my conversation halfway cuz i cant help but feeling awkward when that time she cuts my conversation at the bus stop halfway when i was juz pouring out everything..and she juz left me halfway to board her bus..i m so sorry..but i cant help but feeling a little hurt at that time..and then paula..i duno..i saw her today and she look so happy.i dun want to make her upset..
sigh..some ppl say i know alot of frends in school..oh well.which is true..i know quite alot of ppl..but sometimes at time like this..i feel that i hardly have any frends..i feel super lonely..sometimes i wish ppl will juz noe wad is gg on in my life..i mean during my depression..when i m suffering from critical depression..i wish i dun have to say that i m not ok..i wish that someone will juz noticed it..esp my closer frends..but of course i cant blame them if they dun know cuz all along in school i feel i m juz putting up a brave front..who knows what i m gg thru..except God..ahah..i tried to act normal..i find it so hard to act in front of my frends..esp my seniors..but i knew i had to..i cant let my mood affect them..they were gg thru their prelims..but a part of me felt like a hypocrite..i felt i was decieving them..
but i know i can survive with God's love alone.and his grace and mercy.for when i m weak i m strong becuz His strength is made perfect in my weakness.and thus i will not asham abt my weakness but rather boast of it..
i will trust in the Lord God Almighty
woah..past few weeks have been like really horrendous..i always dun have the time to take a break..i took a short break during the past weekend..on fri after CF i decided to go to my cousin's hse and then i started reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince..i mean it has been a long time since i read story books!haha..and i was kinda fascinated by Harry Potter..not becuz of all the spells and stuff but rather the plot of the story..yupp. and i borrowed it..bad choice..cuz i m those kind of ppl who cant wait to read till the end..haha.and Harry Potter book is so thick!haha. anyway then Saturday went to Lamar Boscheman(duno how to spell his name) 's seminar..and he talked abt the same stuff..but he kinda reminded me again..the heart of worship..and also he kinda bring out some stuff which i did wrongly..anyway it was great..and me shadrach n his bro went bedok interchange to eat.haha..and then i went to the Macs..supposedly to study but in the end i was spent the whole afternoon reading the bible..haha.it has been so long i spent such a long time meditating on God's word..and after the past few mths..i finally came to my sense..as in..i know that God has been really trying to tell me that i need to spend more time with Him..reading the bible..doing quiet time and praying..and He really had to break me down in order for Him to remind me..and i m so glad He reminded me..cuz i find myself so guilty of not spending time with Him esp after entering comm!and i m suppose to be spending more time with HIm now that i m the worship IC!
and from now i told myself i muz get out of this laziness..i mean i use to do qt for like 1 hr.but after i came to JC..my qt time shrunk to less than half an hr? i m gg to recommit my qt to Him man..and i m reminded that i told Him that i m gg to focus on my worship life..
but God is so faithful..even when i m down..even when i feel no one loves me..even when i juz feel like being alone all the time..even when i start getting abit rebellious..and somehow juz cant love myself and the ppl ard me..and now i can proudly say that even when i m weak now..i mean the problems are still there..but His strength is made perfect in my weakness..becuz i m weak,i m strong!=)
my faith has really increased by alot man..and thank God! He is just so awesome..
oh.and i got sth happy to say!i passed my chem test again! really by God's grace man..seriously..i nv felt so sure i was gg to fail..cuz u can ask my seniors and my frends..i hardly knew and understood that topic..BUT by God's Grace and only His..i manage to pass and i can proudly say that i m a miracle student when comes to chem..cuz i always manage to pass!
as for back in home..i m doing my best to make the family more like a family..really..i m trying..
getting worse..
sigh.past few days haven been good...
i realise everything start to plunge down after June holidays..and i dun understand why..haiz..
after June holidays..i practically get sick everyday..i kinda miss the healthy me when i was in my sec sch..at that time i was super healthy and act played sports quite often..but now..haiz..everything juz seems so different..
now i juz realise i have juz developed a phobia for worship..haha..and ironically i m the worship IC..hhaa..im juz so afraid of leading worship now..and reallly..i think i m juz going to schedule the everyody else except me..i cant help pondering abt yest..i dun understand.i dun understand why whenever i lead in AC i cant seem to sing..i use to be able to..i cld sing most songs..but now it juz seems i cant anymore..and moreover i feel that i juz cant lead..i m not good at leading lar..one thing i dun understand and it hurt me the most was i dun understand why when my heart really wanted to lead ppl into worshipping Him and i juz wanna bless people and i juz wanted to see God glorified in the place..but yet everytime when i lead it seems that ppl juz cant feel His presence and whenever i lead..the worship always go wrong..i dun understand why..all i want is juz to see people worshipping Him wholeheartedly..i duno whether izit there are still sins in my heart that i have yet to confess and thus they are hindering me in my worship leading or it is juz simply that after all one whole big round..i m not called to be a worship leader..haha...talk abt me knowing and so sure that my calling is to be a worship leader..hhaa..
sorry char..even ater talking to u..and u giving me advice..i cant help but feel this way..
today was ok..gave up half way when i was doing my econs test even though it was super easy..but i was super tired..and thus i din even noe what i was writing..ahaha..and then spent my break with my seniors..haha..they keep bullying me!!haha..but they kinda make my day happier.haha
but when i m back to alone..everything juz resumes back to normal..i noe my inside is still not right..i noe its still wounded..i know it is not easy to get happy and totally juz cheerful as i was..
but u now wad..i m trying..but sometimes i feel that i m juz putting up a false front in front of ppl..i guess i may be better...cuz i noe my sadness may affect ppl..cuz i find other ppl mood affecting me sometimes too..
i dread gg to sch(all because of PW and the tons of hw and tests)..i dread staying at home(because..oh well..)..and i even dread going to church..not dreading abt the part when i worship Him..but rather the part whereby i need to start planning games already..and also..i feel that whenever i step into my church..i feel like i m stepping into a battlefield battling against the devil..cuz whenever i will always have this feeling of needing to do sth to help the church.i mean thats what God made me stayed for..but i guess it gets tired when one always give instead of recieve..i m so sorry to say..but the church is not helping me to grow spiritually..i m juz not suited for the church lar..i m not criticising the church but the truth is my spiritual growth doesnt come from the church..but rather it is from outside..like CF..and last time was my sec sch frends and EL..because firstly..sad to say..i never shared any spiritual problems with any of my church frends.because they wun understand..and i noe they wun understand bcuz i shared before..i juz feel so alone in the church..i feel i m juz struggling alone..and sometimes i juz wanna give up..but whenever i want to give up.God reminded me of what He wanted me to do in the church..and sometimes i feel i m over-estimating myself..i m juz like a small character in the church..what make me think i can help in church growth?i duno also..but sometimes i feel i m juz too prideful..arghh..i duno how to express how i feel in words..nvm..
sigh..
juz me and God
oh well..where shall i start..i m juz so overwhelmed by things..
firstly..my sickness..haha.act my sickness is not really a sickness...to me being sick is like normal already ever since i came to AC..there was not a single day whereby i was healthier..maybe hvae..like 3 days or so..haha..went to see doctor the other day..cuz had severe headaches..thought was migraine..which kinda was..the doctor said i m suffering from normal working adult syndrome..stress..anxiety and lack of sleep..and my eyes have been strained alot..yar..so i need to rest my eyes more he said..
act without him telling me that i need more sleep,i also know i need more sleep..i have been sleeping 4 hrs every single day..and sometimes i m juz so tired that i fall asleep in class without even knowing..and yest i was sleeping while writing halfway and almost fell off the chair..haha..
but oh well.there are SO much things to do..sigh..never ending stuff..and never ending tiredness..i wonder when will all these end man..when can i finally have my full rest..sigh..
i m so tired..i cant even think much nowadays...and i cant seem to rmb stuff..
as for my spiritual life..this period is kinda my summer period..spring has juz passed..summer..when it is dry..so u figure it out..yar..but i have been holding on..and persevering..but sometimes when i do all the worship stuff..it feels kinda routine..and juz duty..which is not what i want.i want to serve because i really love Him not because of duty..sigh.and also i m struggling with my inner thoughts abt stuff..even though boss and joel have encourage me greatly abt my doubts and fears..but sometimes these thoughts juz come back again..and then even now it is worse..cuz i was toking to Marcus the other day abt subcomm stuff..and somehow we drifted to me leading chapel that day..i din how this topic came up..but yeah..it did...Marcus told me some stuff..which was very shocking to me..and i realise i ws very sheltered..in terms of criticism..u noe on that day itself after i led chapel.i din hear any criticism at all.everybody was juz commenting positively.but after what i heard from Marcus..i really wanna know all these..Sonia pls tell me..thanks..and sudd..for the rest of the day..i cldnt concentrate in class..cuz Marcus told me that He cldnt feel the presence of the Lord..and also very detach..kinda in lay man terms..i m not leading the congregation into worshipping the Lord, it was more of myself singing..i was kinda discouraged..its not his fault..i think he is such a darling for telling me all these so that now i know my weakness and stuff..and he was encouraging me too.but i felt inadequate.and because chapel is so impt..i dun want to be a stumbling block to anybody..i really really want the presence of the Lord in the place..and i dun want me myself to feel it..but i want the rest too..sigh..somehow i really think i cant lead worship..sigh..
i m so tired..juz came back from sch..was studying chem..came back home..things are still the same..not much change..everytime i go home..my headaches juz get worse..sigh..
but gone are the days whereby i cry everyday..i feel crying will only just drain my energy even more..and cause me to have a more painful headache..i guess God is really trying to tell me sth thru this..and act i kinda understand what He is trying to bring out to me..
it boils down to the time whereby everything else must fade away and only God will be there looking at me with HIs wide open arms..
God is faithful..
hello!
haha..actually i m rather tired..haha.
today was the first time i led chapel!! haha..at first i was really nervous.cuz even as i come to sch..i recieve pearl's msg saying that she ll be very late..then followed by david's one..then right after i sms david.allen called and said he woke up late..my heart seriously stopped for a moment..i m like..oh no..is it happening again..cuz i figure out that everytime i lead..some things will juz cropped up one..haha..and i was having sorethroat today also..but anyway nevertheless..they all came and we practise for a while..haha.
and then when it is time to lead..i got kind nervous..haha..and i said some wrong stuff like "invite u all to take your seats back" haha..it was hilarious..but other than that..it went fine.cuz God was really there..it was great..yar..so after a while i kinda calm down..ahha.and really the peace of God came upon me..yar..and i surrendered totally to Him and let Him take charge of leading..
after that.like after i said my devotions that time..every of my frend was like telling me abt my leading..and it really encourage me lar..haha.but alot of ppl say that i have a kiddish voice.the mike fault's lar..my voice is normal.haha.oh man..hhaa..
but it was fun leading.haha.got the experience..and at least i tried..andre..ur turn is next..haha..lol..
sorry
i duno where to begin..it has been rather long since i updated..
firstly i will juz like to say sorry to all my frends..cuz i realise i have been sick for the past few weeks..i haven been smiling alot..i havent been giving attention to those who need..basically i was self centered..
firstly i wanna say sorry to this very good frend of mine,who almost has the same character as me..i duno whether she will ever read this but yar..i know she has been putting up with all my "dead" face..and also grumpy and sleepy mood..i know i haven been a good frend..giving her the attention that she wants and also have been neglecting her..cuz i have been interacting more with my cca frends.i juz wanna apologise to her.perhaps its too late..somehow recently i know that she is not happy being with me.and also i know she is starting to get irritated at me.for wad reasons..i still do not know yet..but somehow i felt that wadever i say seems to always make her annoyed..
secondly i wanna say sorry to pearleen and charmaine..somehow havent been catching up with u guys.sorry pearleen for forcing u to play during national day.sorry for making u stress..sorry for not being a good frend to u when u have been such a great frend to me..
thirdly i wanna say sorry to my comm.. sorry for having u guys to see my sick and tired look everyday..and having u guys to give attention to me cuz i m a sick person..sorry for the times whereby i get impatient and also juz easily irritated and stressed...causing u guys to get stressed too..
fourthly i wanna say sorry to the J2s..that i have been disturbing them during their studies..even though they din say it.but i felt i was distracting them by making so much noise and also asking them to teach me stuff..i promise to talk lesser..and also to study myself..
i wish i am not so attention seeking..i wish i am not so weak..i wish i am not so blur and slow..yar! i wish i am not so blur and slow!! i wish i am not so inefficient in doing hw..i wish i wish..bottom line- i dun like myself.ok.i know this is not edifying..but i cant help this way yar..i guess everybody have their low periods during their lives..
but thank God,He accepts me for who i m..
