Wednesday, September 30, 2009


RAWR. sums it all.

Monday, September 28, 2009

people do change

merrr. dunno why. felt melancholic today. finally realise people do change. which sucks
i miss AC. i hate politics, hierarchy and whatever shit. even i felt myself changing. not daring enough to remain as who i was. rawr. nvm. life is like that. move on. i must start hanging out with more of my ac friendss. i miss them. they are always that ever ready to accept me and hear me out.

i was talking to a good friend today during dinner. felt sad that even my good friend thinks he will nv like me cuz im simply not good enough for him. even though she didnt explicitly say it out, but i could sense and infer it. sigh. sadness to the max

i need you lord more than ever. praying for grace and mercy.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

fire fall down

went to andy's church today. felt the service was good. its been a long time since i have been to a service that touched my heart. all the while i kept asking God if my heart is hardened becuz everytime i attend worship in my church, it has just become a singing session. but worship is not like that. their pastor is super funky. and wad he preached spoke to me.

i felt this inner voice saying, "its been a long time, lizhen. you know ur calling is to lead worship and its been a long time since u last led. and u didnt lead not cuz u cant or have no time but rather, u are escaping. you dun want to go thru the same pain u went thru. the disappointments. but God is God. u have to be willing to let Him use you and see miracles happen. what happen to the promise u made to God 5 years ago. you said u will go to the ends of the earth for him. so why are u giving up now" omg. then i started crying. felt i have stray so far away. from the passion i once had. the fire that everyone could see in me then was no longer burning now. my eyes no longer sparkle when i talk abt worship.

i have been blaming myself for the pride i had that caused my downfall and astray. but today God told me to stop blaming myself. my most sincere prayer is to break this pride. im sick and tired of putting up this front and pretend to be all righteous and holy. just becuz i was a worship leader. just becuz everyone knew me as the girl who was in the christian fellowship comm and the one who led chapel in ac. no no no. leaders have their weakness too. sigh. but i dunno how to show it. i so badly want to tell someone that i need support, i need their concern but i just cant bring myself to do without having people to judge me. i dun want them to see me as an unworthy leader. then next time, when they have troubles, they wun come approach me. u get wad i mean.

and i have been praying for ur face to disappear out of my mind. seriously. i tell God, "this is really distracting and if Satan is using it to tempt me and if these thoughts are not of Yours, please take it away from me. If it's not Your will, i gladly accept it and Lord, please harden my heart so that i wont like him." now, everytime i see him, i felt my heart beating faster. this is crazy. i dun like this kind of feeling. when i feel there are some girls in his life that he is closer to, my heart is filled with jealousy and sadness.. no no no. God please help me. if he is not the One, take these feelings away. somehow. i dont want to waste my singleness chasing sth after that is not in Your will.. murrr

ok. back to mugging. my heart feels happier (except for him). the feeling of going back to the house of God just feels good. and i want that to last forever :))

Friday, September 25, 2009


just had ian's 21st today! finally its over!! haha. it was so tiring.. i shldnt have sang la. too long nv sing alr. voice rusty alr. it was so scary. worse than me leading ACJC chapel and church worship. haha. i will nv plan another 21st again unless if my future bf is 21 when i know him. but felt it was all worthwhile. though it didnt turn out like wad i expected but hopefully it all went well. haha. HAPPY 21ST BDAY BFF :)) gosh. i wun let u plan my 21st. haha.

must start mugging alr!! this sem im super distracted. cuz my mods all very project heavy. sigh. i got this feeling my this sem CAP will cui. oh manns. i cant stop thinking abt him. everytime i close my eyes, his face appears in front of me. this is bad. i kept praying abt it, but somehow, i felt i let my heart out too much alr. I shld have guard my heart from the start. murrr. aiya. anyway i have surrendered it to God alr. so i guess let God take charge and let nature takes it's course. if God wills it to be, then it will be :))

Thursday, September 10, 2009


life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner, love with true love, laugh without control and ALWAYS KEEP SMILING :)) someone just reminded me that im the girl who smiles when things get tough. WHAT DOESNT KILL ME MAKES ME STRONGER! I CAN TIDE THRU THIS ESP WITH GO'D STRENGTH:) AMEN.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


haha.this place has become like a venting place for me.haha.the irony is that my blog is suppose to shout his praise :( but sch has been so sian.i have been trying to hard to keep that joy in my heart. trying hard to be happy when everyone is just so sian abt sch.

but i cant take it anymore.i cant take having to put on this facade of happiness. I'm so sick of certain things, so disappointed abt certain things. I feel like screaming, feel like being mean for once, feel like crying. but i told myself,no shall be shall rely on God's strength and must trust Him cuz He is sovereign. rawr.sometimes i feel that friends are just making use of me.many a times, i feel so alone.i see my facebook.i have like 1080 friends.but how many them are there for many of them are my real friends.less than 1% doesnt pay to be nice.

ahhhhh.i shld stop dwelling on my regret.i keep thinking abt it.i dunno sudd resurfaces AGAIN.i thot i buried it.DEEP.i told myself a finity times not to think abt it.but i cant help it. cuz i feel tat if i had made the right choice, i wun end up at the state im at now.but i know God must have his hand upon it then. There is a reason for everything.

MERRRRRRR :( i want to go blast my music and do my work.shallnotfreakingcareanymore.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

sigh is the first time i woke up for church.YET there wasnt any youth service. and my cell group didnt even tell me they were going west coast till i asked. oh wells, i guess i dun blame them. I'm like not really part of the cell group - its no wonder they forgot abt me.even the cell grp leader forgot abt me!hahaa.wonderful.
i told myself i will make an effort to bond with them.but its so hard.its so funny, i can easily fit into any other churches i have visited but my own church.HAHA.i just cant help feeling left out and they are always in their own world.freaking exclusive. many a times, i ask them to ask me whenever they have lunches or outings outside.but they nv called, nv told just venting out my anger, fustrations and disappointment.why did God want me to come back to a church which is so hard to stay. doesnt He know im backsliding alr. sigh. whatever. I'm sure God has His plans