so much grace
when i looked back in my life, i can see so much grace. i know. it doesn't sound right. cuz im always known for being targeted by Murphy's Law.
but God has poured out so much in life. so much.
life is unfair
when i was in pri sch, the first day of class in p5, my teacher told me this line, "life is unfair"
never thought much about it. thought that line sounded funny. but i guess reality is correctly dictated by that short phrase.
it doesnt pay to be nice. nice people are often the ones being trampled on and being taken for granted of. sometimes i wonder if God put me through uni to teach me to be wise. we should be nice but we must be wise as well. Over the years, i have learnt to shrink my trusted circle of friends. Not every friend is a friend. tats what the world have taught me. i didnt want to believe it at first. but indeed its true. life is unfair. those friends whom u thought they are friend might not be after all. look at my bff, i made a huge card for him - it took me mths? and recently i decided to finish it and i had to stay till 4am+ to do so. got lots of scolding from my parents who asked me if i thought it was important to do that now when i had tons of things to do for exchange. and guess wad. didnt even think he appreciate it that much. when i asked if he was going to send me off, he said: ur flight is so early! see how. i will set my alarm clock but not sure if i will be there. if ___ go then i confirm will go. IF only that someone go then u will go? makes me feel our friendship aint worth that much. i told myself, i will nv make anything that is time consuming for anyone again.
this is just one example. there are many other ppl whom im not suppose to care abt and be upset over. cuz they aint worth it. when i come back from korea, i will make sure my heart is so cold that these ppl wun matter to me anymore. no more. u ppl watch out, cuz i aint going to be as nice as i use to be. i aint going to be as friendly as i use to be. and i aint going to be tat someone whom u think u can cast aside.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
in and out of rough patches
just when i thot i was out of a rough patch, im back in again
my heart is aching so much that it literally jumps whenever u msg me back or msn. cuz im scared u might say sth that will make it even more painful
im so confused. i dunno wad i shld be feeling right now. i really dont.
why didnt i have the discipline like i had before.
im overreacting. i must be. im usually not like that. not even when i thot the worse had already happened to me. i cant sleep. and people are telling me to be cool abt it. how to be..
my heart is literally aching. all the stress that adds on to it. never knew going for exchange could be this troublesome. all the stuff that needs to be settled.
i need to get hold of myself
wish i didnt need to pretend everything is alright in front of other people. esp my church ppl. wish they were more sensitive. wish church was really a place i can have refuge in.
really hope 2010 will be better for me. God, i cant take this anymore. 2009 was crazy. i cant recall any single period whereby i felt joyful. my joy is always shortlived. i hope 2010 will be a lot better
healing
my heart is healing. i can feel it. i was so so so broken and torn. thought it wld take forever to recover. thanks to my beloved besties who made me feel so loved! :) just came back from malaysia. janene just came back from australia. it has been one year since i last saw her? gosh. times flies and i really missed her! so glad we could spend some time together.. was really glad i could share how i feel and all. they know me so well :)) but dunno why, everytime i see allen, i think of hall and my heart starts to hurt. how i felt he knew abt so much things and yet not tell me. how i once thought that if the whole hall was against, he wld be someone who wld still stand by me and not be influenced by wad they say. but i guess people do change huh..
so glad i went malaysia. it really helps in the healing. being with my beloved christian friends. i miss those good old times. miss AC. wish the world was more like AC. but of course, it wont be. and i have to grow out of it. time to move on. haha. i have been reflecting for like the past few days. i think this is prob why i always cant sleep at night. whenever i close my eyes, i will start thinking about all these stuff. sigh. dear heart, hurry up and get healed.
church camp tmr! shall sleep soon. hope that through this church camp, i can finally get closer to God and also to my church ppl. have been praying a lot abt church.
In your freedom
I search for You God of strength
I bow to You in my brokenness
And no other King could have so humbly come
To save my soul and heal my heart
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
I pray to You God of peace
I rest in You my cares released
I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that’s of worth to me
And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need
In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion, I offer devotion
i miss you God and i miss leading worship, being in your presence. miss everything about You
this is your little girl signing out
ouch
ouch. ouch. ouch. dunno wad's wrong with me nowadays or if its God's purposely doing all these. i keep getting hurt by people. i can literally feel my heart bleeding. i always thot people will reciprocate sincerity. so being the foolish me, i throw in lots of love and sincerity in friendships. only to realise that im a fool. only to realise that the power lies in those who care less. only to realise that it can really hurt. am i being too sensitive? but its cuz i care thats why expectations are higher. u were right. no expectations. no disappointment. no hurts.
i cant even recognize myself anymore. i use to be so happy. and now, im like forever immersed in sadness. i hate this life. i dun even know wad im living for anymore. for God? but it doesnt feel like it. my heart has hardened. and my soul is turning cold. i feel cold inside. somehow along the way, i feel i given hope on loving people. given hope on the chance of people loving me as well...
