overwhelming disappointment
i never ever felt so disappointed for my entire life..or maybe not never..but yeah..this is definitely one of the major ones..
i have never been rejected like so many times within one day before..i think over 20 times?haha.but of course i cant blame anyone..cuz its my own fault..and honestly..everything happens because of my own decisions..even the disappointments..
today God had really taught me how human beings are really that unreliable.and how even though when u need them so so badly they cant be there..and yest God has taught me sth too.haha.God has taught me alot of stuff!hah.He has made me realise the feelings He feels when i dun pray..cuz yest..i waited up till 1am for someone's call cuz he told me that he will call at ard 1230am.and i was rather looking forward to it cuz i haven been toking to that person for a long time..and i was super tired yest..but i waited and waited..and there was no call.and i thot nvm..morn he will call..but when i woke up there arent any call.i felt so disappoint..and at that pt i realise that was how God felt when we dun pray(toke) to him cuz He kept waiting for us to toke to Him..He yearns to hear our voice.
nice song!
Stained Glass Masquerade - Casting Crowns
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong
So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade
Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be
Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
thinking
sigh.i'm at home again.i caught a cold.as usual.nth much surprised abt it.haha
was just thinking alot..
like how the passion of going to school has seized.i rmb last year even with a fever i will still try to make it to school.perhaps becuz i know that there will be people in school to get me thru the day..
now is like my most crucial year and perhaps period.with passionAC coming up and A levels so soon.i have to admit i need friends to get me thru the day.im a very people person.but i find that there are hardly anyone who i know definitely that they will be there when i need them.not even my comm.not even when Ms Tan's room is often opened.i guess i can blame it on different breaks..but im glad that during this year i have got to know people better.i do have close frends.dont get me wrong.haha.but i also do know that some of my close frends..if i ever disappear in their lives..it wun make a difference to them.
ahh..i realise the urgency to find a study buddy.someone who will always be there during my break.maybe not just one.cuz no one im close to have the same break as me.but as least i must make sure that during every break i know i will have one to study or hang out with.hahah.i desperately need to know that i have people to get me thru the day..if not i guess the longing not to come to school will just carry on.
honestly i have to admit that i m feeling the stress but i know that if i tell any of my close christian frends.they will perhaps reply trust in the Lord and let go.you shldnt feel stress and all.all this i know..but dun they know that all i need is just someone to hear me.not telling me all these..cuz im not prefect.even as im learning to let go and trust in the Lord..i will still feel the stress..and there is no one i can channel my feelings to.
im feeling so horrible now.i wish that the seniors were still back in school..sitting at the regular table..those times when i know that they will be there if i need them.sigh
sick!
ahhh..im down with a cold.i cant stand my nose!! it keeps running.haha.
was studying today at vivo.not fruitful though cuz im so tired.lol
i realised an interesting fact today..atually long ago.aha.i was looking at all the couples walking past.and i realise that in a couple..the girl is always better looking than the guy...i wonder why.haha.oh well.just an interesting fact.haha.
anyway i gtg study now.24 more weeks to A levels.=/
a sense of nostalgia though its early.
today is the last day for westside story!! so sad..really.its like the last production the j2s will be doing.im so sad.i cant go for their post production party.=( even though im not really active in drama but i always love the drama people.they are so nice.sometimes i wish i was more active in drama and get to know them better.but oh well being in CF comm does not allow me to.at least not for me.i cant cope with many commitments. i wish i could be like those who can cope with their studies and the many ccas.there are so many if only in my mind nowadays.if only i was more active in drama(i dun even mind being in crew.i think its fun).if only i join council.if only i join dance. if only.
but i guess different people have different calling.i dont know what made me want to join CF comm.but i guess its really in God's plan.im not regretting joining CF comm.though honestly there was indeed a period of time i did.cuz after all the human flesh is weak and human beings are ambitious.afterall who knows what "behind the scene" work we have done.but as i look back, CF taught me alot of stuff.firstly it humbled me.like honestly.cuz CF does so much behind scene works that no on knows, the job is very humbling.and when we are tired of doing it and no one recognises our effort, it is really for the glory n honour of God we are doing it.yupp.
aiyah..i sudd feel so old.i keep having the sense of nostalgia nowadays la.cant stand it.ahhh..rawr.i wanna be a j1!=( but j2 is fun too.
Followup event!
phew! i just had a longgg day in school man!
Firstly i almost died of not sleeping the day before! all becuz of GP critical commentaries@!!! rawr! haha.but praise God i survived! and followup event was good!! really wanna praise God man! He moves so mightily even when we are so unprepared. next time we will not be so last minute!haha.hopefully God will change this bad habit of ours. there was a good turnout today.games were good.worship was good.testimony was good.and food was good.as usual.haha. im very happy now!! cuz i can sense and see that God is going to move mightily in CF! cuz CF is getting more united and larger!=))
haha.and im really really glad that our comm is getting closer! i will continue to persevere to see our comm to reach the unity i once dreamt of!=) ahhh..sudd recently i feel a sense of nostalgia..maybe becuz its soon that im going to step down alr.like in 2 mths time! time really flies.actually not flies..teleport is even faster.haha.was just going thru the comm forms that andre photocopied for me for my ministry last year.past event one by one appeared in my mind.really miss those days man.haha.but now is good too!!hhha.i learn to treasure every moment of my life so when i look back..i wun regret.=)
really very excited in what more God has in stored for us.=)
the power of God
haha.today is April fool day! aww..too bad didnt really get to fool anyone.wanted to like bluff the congregation today.but i guess better not.if not uncle daniel scold.oh well.haha.today is the first time in 1 and 1/2 mths that i lead worship again.oh well.1 and 1/2 mths is quite long..given the fact that i didnt go church for like 3 weeks.haha.anyway im really amaze at God's power.i am reminded of the power of surrendrance to Him.Honestly i felt im not spiritually right at this time to lead.cuz like wad i told the church, i was facing a time of spiritual dryness.even more to that.i wasnt really doing my quiet time very regularly.i even broke down when i was practising!cuz i didnt have the peace in my heart like i use to have whenever i lead.haha.at that point i told God, its not me who is leading but You.i am going to surrender this worship into Your hands.i wont be able to lead without You cuz im too weak." and today even as i led, i led by the holy spirit. i didnt even want to be vulnerable to my church by telling them i wasnt feeling right.but God told me that i have to be open with them in order for them to see His glory thru me.and i did.i can tell you, it wasnt easy.its not easy to make urself vulnerable to the whole congregation.But it is only when we surrender and obey God 100%, thats when He can come and take control.thats when His glory can be seen thru you.
today's worship to me was good.perhaps not in man's eyes.but i noe i was indeed truly worshipping God cuz this is the first time my heart was actually really really crying for my church people.(thats why my voice was shaky) haha.and i could felt God's presence there.which was really totally amazing.i mean thats for me to say.but i duno the congregation.lol.
and i had a huge encouragement today!! i was really really encouraged by charmaine.when she was the first one to raise up her hand!and she was like sitting right in front!! i was soooooo encourage u noe.cuz long ago i felt i wanted to nurture charmaine to become a worship leader.cuz i felt she got potential.i duno why i felt.but God just placed it in my heart.but then i think she is too young to enter worship min.so i kept this secret desire in my heart.today i was so touch!! im really really touch that she has the passion for God.=))
but besides that encouragement, i duno why..the feeling of loneliness is back again.i always felt that way but somehow today it came back again.maybe its becuz today i presented myself vulnerable to my whole church congregation and yet none asked me how i was after that.but oh well, like what i told my youth, this journey of obedience and surrendrance is hard but God promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us!=) Its hard but i believe with God's strength i can go on!=)
